


Say Something Mini-Series

by parisw_1989



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Agressive sex, Angst, Character Death, Drug Use, F/M, Fluffish, Loss of Child, Overdose, Prison, Rough Sex, Show Spoilers, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 58,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29223441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parisw_1989/pseuds/parisw_1989
Summary: In which Spencer and the reader are in a toxic relationship, trying to navigate the intrepid waters of love in a depressive state. Neither of them can find the right words at the right time. All it would take is to say something. Mini-series based on the flashbacks in Say Something.
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	1. The Addiction

**Author's Note:**

> So I decided to make Say Something into a mini-series based around the flashbacks to give some more context/background to Spencer and the readers relationship. This is part one. Can be read as a stand-alone.  
> Originally posted on my tumblr fortheloveofcriminalminds

**_“There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.” - Ecclesiastes 7:20._ **

**2006**

_ “They’re gone.”  _

_ “Who are they?” _

_ “It’s just me now.”  _

_ “Who...who are you?” _

_ “I’m Raphael.”  _

_Spencer_ _blinked a few times trying to grasp his surroundings._

_ He had a throbbing pain in his head. He had a vague memory of a corn field, being hit over the head. Tobias Hankel. _

_ “What’s that smell?” Spencer’s voice was croaky and his mouth was so dry. The smell assaulted his nostrils and made him want to vomit.  _

_ “I’m burning fish hearts and livers. Keeps away the devil.”  _

_ Spencer swallowed, his captor staring at him menically. He was strapped to a chair, his hands behind his back. He could feel blood dripping down the side of his face and he was feeling light headed from where he was losing it.  _

_ Was this how he was going to die? In this dingy old cabin in the middle of god knows where? He’d been hit over the head and put in the back of a truck. He didn’t remember anything else.  _

_ Hankel came closer to him, his eyes never leaving Spencer’s. He had to hope his team would find him, because if he didn’t have hope, he didn’t have anything. _

_ Hankel pulled a single silver bullet from his pocket and held up to the light so Spencer could clearly see it.  _

_ “You know what this is? It’s god's will.” _

_ “You don’t have to do this.” Spencer begged pathetically. He knew nothing he could say would stop the inevitable. But he had to try.  _

_ Hankel pulled out his gun and popped the chamber out. He slotted the bullet in and spun the chamber before closing it and cocking it. He pointed the gun at Spencer, right between his eyes and without so much as a breath, he pulled the trigger. _

_ Spencer winced, letting out a feeble moan as his eyes forced themselves closed. Long seconds passed and nothing happened. He allowed his eyes to flick open and then immediately landed back on Hankel’s. _

_ Tears filled his eyes but he was insistent on not letting them fall. He wouldn’t show this man he was weak. If he saw his weakness he would kill him in an instant. He wanted to put on a strong facade, not let Hankel know how terrified he was. But truthfully, Spencer had never been so scared in his entire life.  _

_ He was sure this was how he was going to die and what had he achieved with his life? He was only twenty five, that was no life. He’d spent all his time up until now focused on his studies and on his work that he didn’t really feel like he’d ever lived.  _

_ Sure he had three PHd’s and was the youngest person to join the BAU and was provable a genius. He had an eidetic memory and could remember everything he had ever read. He was a champion chess and poker player. But if he died now, he would miss out on so much. _

_ He had never been in love, never even had a real relationship. If he died here he would never get married or have children. He’d never get to tell Y/N how he felt about her.  _

_ This couldn’t be how it ended. It just couldn’t be.  _

_ “You got lucky.” Hankel put the gun back in his pocket. “This time.” _

_ *** _

Just as Spencer suspected, the sun had risen the following morning just as it did any other day. 

Birds chirped in the tree outside his bedroom window and Mrs Bramowitz next door was crashing about as she always did. 

As he’d thought, it was by all accounts a normal day. Nothing in the outside world had changed. 

But he had.

It didn’t surprise him that the world had gone on turning and living just because his own world had stopped. 

Just because the hours he’d spent in that cabin had felt like days if not weeks, if didn’t mean the rest of the world had come to an abrupt stop. 

So he wasn’t surprised that life was carrying on around him just the same now. 

He sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes with his palms. 

It had been a fretful night's sleep to say the least, full of screams and tears. Every time he closed his eyes he was back in that house in the woods, strapped to the chair, Tobias Hankel in one of his personality guises before him. 

But life went on, that much was evident when he was startled by the sound of an incoming text message.

**Hotch:** _ new case. Round table room in an hour.  _

Spencer rolled his neck with a small sigh. Crime didn’t stop just because he was suffering. Unsubs didn’t stop killing because of what he’d been through. 

Tobias Hankel was dead but there were hundreds of other Hankel’s out there. And it’s that thought that forced Spencer out of bed. He had a job to do and he wasn’t going to let what had happened to him stop him doing so. 

He knew now what it was like to be a victim. He now had an inside knowledge of what the people they couldn’t save went through in their final moments. 

He knew what it was like to die and it filled him with an intense determination to put a stop to the evil that lurked in the dark corners of the world. Spencer was intent on his abduction and torture not being in vain. It had given him a new perspective, a new vigour that he was going to channel into his work. 

He was Spencer Reid 2.0; new and improved. He’d stared death in the face and lived to tell the tale. He was going to take the pain and the suffering he’d endured and turn it into something positive.

As he went to leave the apartment a half hour later, he slipped the vials of dilaudid in his satchel  _ just in case _ , he told himself. 

_ *** _

Groton, New York was an affluent, predominantly white suburb of Westchester County. It had an extremely low crime rate, 4.1 times lower than the US average, at least that was until the bodies of three young African-American women had been discovered in less than two weeks.

Sandra Davis, Vickie Williams and Keisha Andrews had all been found strangled to death, the former two with swastikas painted on their faces. 

It seemed clear that the murders were race related but it wasn’t just that cut and dry. 

Hotch had assigned you and Spencer to walk the crime scene. You noticed Spencer’s demeanor shift rapidly as soon as you’d stepped out of the car. He had small ticks that gave him away that you had picked up on over the past year. 

His eyes would widen just a tiny fraction but enough for a trained profiler to notice. His hands in his pockets would twitch and you could see it in the way the fabric of his slacks pocket moved a little with the motion. If his hands weren’t in his pockets you knew he would be playing with the strap of his satchel instead. His back was ever so slightly straighter, his shoulders not hunched over as much as usual. Periodically he would bite the skin at the corner of his lip.

They were all such small gestures most people wouldn’t have noticed. But of course you did. You felt as though when you met Spencer, almost in an instant you had become an expert in his body language. You felt as though you had consumed the Spencer Reid manual and you knew it verbatim. So you knew when he saw that poor, young girl’s body slumped against a tree in the woods, he was taken back to his own nightmare in Hankel’s cabin.

“Spencer?” you tried to engage him. “Spence?” 

He was staring at the victim’s body and you couldn’t seem to snap him back to reality.

“Spencer.” you tried again, placing a hand on his arm. 

He jolted back to the present, his eyes snapping around onto you almost immediately.

“Huh?” he looked as though you had just woken him up from a deep sleep.

“Officer Jenkins said there is a swastika painted on the victim's boyfriend's car. Change in MO, usually it's on the face.” you pointed over your shoulder back towards the road where Sandra Davies boyfriend's car was sat.

Spencer just nodded in response. He pulled his hands from his pockets and started playing with the strap of his bag.

“We should uhm...head to the station.” he finally spoke, turning away from the crime scene and starting towards the road.

You followed a few steps behind him, trying to pick your next words carefully. 

“Spence,” you both stopped when you reached the road. “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.”

“I’m fine Y/N.” he scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Clearly you're not. Spencer I know you, I know your tells. Please just-”

“Don’t profile me Y/N.” he cut you off. “Please, don’t ever profile me.” he turned his back on you and carried on walking towards the SUV.

He slid in the passenger seat without saying another word. You let yourself in the drivers side and started the engine.

He stared out the window the whole way to the PD without saying another word. You wanted to argue that you hadn’t been profiling him, you just knew him well enough to know what was going on in his head but you didn’t.

When you’d joined the BAU fresh from the academy little over a year ago, you and Spencer had become fast friends. You had fallen into an easy friendship with him, bonding over a mutual love of literature, crosswords and chess. Although his impressive IQ ran circles around your own, there were still times when you surprised him, challenged him even. It hadn’t taken long for the two of you to become close friends, best friends even. 

He was easy to talk to as were you. When either of you found a case particularly affecting or grueling you would seek solace in the other. You had become each other’s safe space and usually Spencer would talk to you about everything he was feeling. Except right now.

You stayed silent, and it was a deafening sort of silence. Words you wished you could say filled the car to the point you felt as though you may choke on them. But Spencer seemed oblivious, he felt so far away in that moment.

He was in a cabin in the woods somewhere in Atlanta and you couldn’t reach him to bring him back to you.

***

_ Spencer found himself falling in and out of consciousness. He desperately tried to stay awake to take in his surroundings. He had to come up with some kind of plan.  _

_ He knew the team would be working tirelessly to find him but he’d worked in this job long enough to know they couldn’t save everyone. And maybe he would be one of those.  _

_ So he had to try and calculate his own escape, which seemed quite impossible even to his impressive brain. He was losing blood and he was exhausted so he was struggling to focus.  _

_ The room was relatively small and dark, only illuminated by a single bulb over his head. There was a countertop that held several computer screens, all of which were shut off. There were two windows and they were both covered by tattered, ripped sheets. There was a small gap in one of them but it was dark outside and all he could make out was the faint outline of trees. The ground beneath him was dirty concrete and the walls were made of thick wood panels.  _

_ Nothing helped him formulate any kind of plan and even if it did, his wrists were tied behind the chair tightly and he couldn’t wriggle free of them. _

_ If his team didn’t find him, he was certainly going to die here. And then they would probably never find his body. _

_ The door was suddenly kicked open and Hankel stepped in carrying an arm full of chopped wood. He glared at Spencer as he kicked the door closed behind him. _

_ “You’re not Raphael.” Spencer wheezed, the look in Hankel’s eye told him something had changed.  _

_ “Do I look like Raphael?” he spat, dumping the wood on the ground. He came closer to Spencer. The look in his eyes was pure evil. “This will be over quickly if you just confess your sins.” _

_ “I’m not a sinner.” Spencer’s bottom lip quivered and the tears stung the backs of his eyes again. A part of him wished Hankel would just get on with and kill him; put him out of his misery. _

_ “We’re all sinners.” _

_ “Please.” Spencer found himself begging. “My name is Spencer Reid and I have a mother and a father just like you and they taught me the bible. Let me just re...recite the bible.” his tears escaped this time, he couldn’t stop them. They overflowed as though some kind of flood gate had opened and spilled down his cheeks. _

_ “Time to confess Spencer Reid.” Hankel grabbed a block of wood from the floor and quickly ripped Spencer’s Converse and sock from his foot. _

_ “Please,” Spencer sobbed. “Please, I haven’t done anything.” _

_ But it didn’t matter, Hankel wasn’t listening and even if he was, he wouldn’t have cared.  _

_ Spencer shrieked as the wood collided with his bare foot. The second time it came out as more of a whimper. The third time, Spencer made no noise, he just silently cried.  _

_ And he found himself praying for death. A fast, pain free death. Anything would be better than this. _

***

The first slip came later that afternoon. Spencer stared at his reflection in the bathroom of the Westchester County PD. He looked, for lack of a better term,  _ fucking terrible.  _

Hotch had tried to get Spencer to take time off but he’d been adamant about coming back to work. Maybe taking time off wouldn’t have been such a bad thing but he’d been adamant he needed to be at work helping, taking his mind off things rather than being cooped up in his apartment, his mind running over all the awful things that happened in that cabin.

But maybe Hotch had been right. He’d been freaking out since visiting the crime scene. It was different now. Now he knew what it was like to be a victim he couldn’t help but look at Sandra differently than he had any other body before. Because now he knew what it was like. He knew what Sandra was thinking, the fear she’d felt in her last moments before she’d died because he’d been through it. And now he stared at his reflection in that bathroom mirror, he wasn’t sure he would ever come back from that.

He moved into one of the stalls and set his satchel down at his feet. He sat on the toilet lid and rolled up the sleeve of his shirt. His arm was still bruised and the veins remained close to the surface. He knew what he had to do to make the pain go away.

He undid his tie with shaky hands and using one hand and his teeth he tied it around his left bicep. He fumbled with the vial and syringe as he pulled it out of his bag.

It was worrying really, how quick he was to fill that syringe and empty it into his waiting vein. His eyes rolled back in his head as the drug pumped furiously through him. 

He closed his eyes and allowed the feeling to consume him. He knew this was bad, so bad, but why did it feel so  _ magical?  _ He kept telling himself it was a one time thing, he just needed to take the edge off of this case. He just needed one small hit and he would never touch it again. As soon as he got home he was throwing the dilaudid away. It was just a one time thing.

He felt serene at that moment. For a small second he wasn’t Spencer Reid who had been held hostage and beaten by Tobias Hankel. He wasn’t Spencer Reid child genius being stripped and tied to a goal post in front of all his peers. He wasn’t Spencer Reid who had confusing feelings for one of his team members or Spencer Reid the FBI profiler. 

For just a small instant he felt free and nothing else mattered. And then there was a knock on the door that snapped him back to reality all too soon.

“Spence?” you cautiously pushed open the door to the men’s bathroom. “You in here?”

With a swiftness he didn’t know he possessed, Spencer got the paraphernalia back in his satchel and untied the makeshift tourniquet, draping the tie back around his neck.

“Uh yeah, I’ll be right out.” 

“Are you ok? You’ve been in here a long time.” you sounded so concerned and it both warmed him and hurt him to hear.

“Yeah I’m fine, I’ll be right out.” he tried to keep his voice sounding natural but he could already feel the dilaudid taking effect.

He was met with a long, tortured silence. He played with his tie, trying to fix it right. He couldn’t see you from the cubicle but he knew you would be biting your bottom lip, you always did when you were worried.

“Ok.” you finally said, the silence seemingly shattering around you. 

He heard your heels on the porcelain tiled floor and then he heard the door creek open. Seconds later he was alone again. 

He finished his tie and exited the stall. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror again. His eyes were heavy and slightly bloodshot. He hoped he could pass it off as being tired. 

***

The case took a few days to solve before you were all back on the jet heading back to Quantico. Spencer had managed to stave off the cravings and hadn’t touched the dilaudid since the first day in the PD bathroom but honestly he knew it was only a matter of time. 

He couldn’t lie to himself and say it was a one time thing, he would never do it again because it wasn’t true. In all honesty he couldn’t wait to get home so he could shoot up once more. He craved the feeling of nothingness. He yearned for that blissful high that came from the drug, the way his mind stopped working in overdrive and everything just slowed down. 

You were so worried about him. You had never seen him like this before and it scared you if truth be told. You didn’t know how to get through to him. You didn’t know how to help him through this. You would do anything to see him smile again, that beautiful, warm smile he seemed to save just for you. The one that made you feel as though you were the only person in the world. But you worried you may never get to see it again.

It was late when you all arrived back at Quantico and Hotch sent you all straight home saying the paperwork could wait until tomorrow which you were all thankful for. You used the bathroom before you went to head home but when you came out Spencer was already gone.

The two of you lived in the same neighbourhood and usually always rode the metro home together. You scanned the bullpen but he was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Spencer?” you frowned at Morgan, heading over to your desk.

“Pretty boy’s already gone, said he had somewhere to be.” Morgan shrugged as he slipped his jacket on.

“Oh.” was all you could muster. He hadn’t told you he had somewhere to be. He couldn’t have gotten far, maybe you could catch him up.

You said your goodnights and headed down in the elevator. Once out the front of the building you pulled your cell phone out and dialled his number. It rang several times before clicking over to voicemail.

_ “You’ve reached doctor Spencer Reid. I can’t come to the phone at the moment so please leave a message.” _

The beep sounded and you hung up. You tried again but were met with the same outcome.

You rang him five times on your walk to the metro station and every time it went through to voicemail. Just before you headed down the steps into the metro station you typed a quick text and hit send.

***

_ Spencer once again found himself alone in the cabin, lost in the pain Hankel had caused him and his torturous thoughts. He was finding it increasingly difficult to keep consciousness which was making planning an escape route near impossible.  _

_ The door to the cabin opened again, slower and softer this time and was closed with just as much caution. Hankel’s gaze met Spencer's and he didn’t see the malicious intent or the murderous determination he had seen before looking back at him. _

_ Hankel came closer and knelt down on the concrete in front of Spencer. _

_ “You need to eat.” his voice was much softer, if Spencer didn’t know any better he would think it was caring. _

_ “What...what’s your name?” Spencer croaked, his mouth so dry he was struggling to talk. _

_ “Tobias.”  _

_ “Tobias. Who...who was here before?” _

_ “Probably my father.” he spoke sadly, chewing his lip. He looked down and spotted Spencer’s cut, bloody feet. “Sorry if he hurt you.”  _

_ Hankel untied Spencer’s arms from behind his back, allowing Spencer to rotate his wrists in an attempt to return his circulation to normal.  _

_ Hankel then removed his belt and Spencer winced, ready for a beating. But that isn’t what happened.  _

_ Hankel leaned closer and rolled up the sleeve of Spencer’s shirt before he started wrapping his belt around his bicep. _

_ “What are you...you doing?” Spencer tried to fight against him but he was too weak to move much.  _

_ Hankel tightened the belt and did it up in place. Spencer winced again, he had a good idea of where this was going. _

_ “Don’t...please don’t.” a few tears escaped Spencer’s eyes and he chewed on his chapped lip. “Please.” _

_ “It helps.” Hankel spoke barely above a whisper. He pulled a syringe and a small vial from his back pocket. _

_ Spencer kept trying to wriggle free but due to his lack of strength, it was all in vain. _

_ “Please...I don’t want it...I don’t want it please.”  _

_ “Trust me. It will help.”  _

_ More tears fell from Spencer’s eyes as he tried one last time to fight off Hankel but it was no use. Hankel filled the syringe from the small vial and then Spencer felt the prick of a needle in the crook of his arm.  _

_ He watched the liquid vanish from the syringe as it entered his vein. Seconds later he felt the drug wash over him and his head rolled back and his eyes closed.  _

_ Almost immediately the pain subsided and he felt almost tranquil.  _

_ And he was transported back to his childhood home where his father was packing a suitcase, ready to leave him and his mother for good. _

_ *** _

  
  


**Y/N:** _ Hey Spence, just wondered where you went off to in such a hurry. I tried calling but I guess you’re...busy. Just let me know you’re ok, please?  _

He felt tears fill his eyes as he read your message. You cared about him, that much had always been evident and it meant the world to Spencer. When the others got bored sometimes of his facts and statistics you always seemed interested. When you caught him doing crosswords at his desk you didn’t tease him, you joined in. You were always there for him when it had been a rough case or he just needed a listening ear. 

But right now, Spencer needed to be alone. He wanted to reach out, to beg you for help but he couldn’t; it wouldn’t be fair to put this on you. This shouldn’t have to be your problem.

He put the phone back down on his bedside table and picked up the syringe instead. 

If he was thinking clearly he would have known you were going to come to his apartment. He knew you so well and he knew you would be on your way here to make sure he was ok. But in his state the only thing he could think clearly about was the dilaudid and how it was going to feel when the high took over.

***

Almost an hour later he sat on the edge of the bed, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. 

_ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,  _ was all he wanted to say but the words wouldn’t come out, or maybe he didn’t really want them too. 

His shirt clung to his body with perspiration and his tie hung undone around his neck. He removed his glasses and tossed them aside so he could rub his eyes to stem the tears.

_ I’m sorry, _ he repeated in his head like a mantra, but still nothing left his lips.

You lay on the bed behind him, cautiously lifting your arm and running your fingers down his spine.

“Spence, say something,” you whispered, your tone riddled with fear and sorrow. “Please?”

He sat up right, his back rigid to your touch. Spencer was known for shying away from physical contact but you were his best friend, he’d never had an issue with your touch until now.

“Spence?” you tried again, sitting up and swinging your legs over the side of his bed. You sat next to him, but the distance between you in that moment was the size of the Grand Canyon. 

His eyes fell on the bedside table, or what was on it. 

The vials of dilaudid seemed so small and harmless in the dim light of Spencer’s bedroom but you both knew better. They were the screaming beacons of Spencer’s mental state. The tourniquet around his left bicep still sat there as a hideous reminder, the empty needle on the floor by his feet.

This was how you’d found him. When he hadn’t answered your calls and you’d come to his apartment, this was exactly how you’d found him.

The knock on the door had gone unanswered when you’d arrived so on the off chance you had tried the handle and to your surprise the door had opened. 

“I’m sorry,” was all he’d said when you’d thrown open his bedroom door as he emptied the syringe into his vein. That had been nearly an hour ago and nothing had left his lips since.

You crawled back behind him, kneeling on the bed. Despite his wriggling, trying to get free of your grasp you managed to wrap your arms around his waist. 

He fought against you but you held on tight, linking your fingers together on his stomach, pinning him to you. Eventually he sighed loudly and gave up fighting. He was done fighting, not just you but everything.

You rested your chin on his shoulder and leant your heads together. 

He needed you now more than you would ever know, because Spencer would never admit it to you. But you knew, in your own way. 

“I’ve never been so scared in my life.” He whispered after a long stretch of haunted silence. “And I don’t know how to forget about it. The dilaudid helps. It helps me feel...nothing. It helps me feel nothing.”

“Oh Spencer.” You held him tighter, placing a gentle kiss on the side of his head. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” 

He nodded but he didn’t speak. The drug was taking effect and he was feeling hazy and light headed. 

As if you noticed this, you let go of him and helped him lay down on the bed. You laid next to him, taking in his features in the dark. 

It was hard to say, but when you looked back on this moment later in life you would be sure this was the instant in which you knew you were in love with him. 

You knew as you stared at his still form you would do  _ anything _ for this man. Over the past year your world had begun to revolve around him. And you knew you’d do anything it took to make him smile again. 

You would love this man for the rest of your life, that much you were sure of. You just didn’t know at the time how hard loving him would be. 

***

His next slip up came a matter days after you found him in his apartment. This time, nothing in particular set him off, it wasn’t a bad case or thought’s of Hankel. He just  _ craved  _ it. He tried to push passed it, to get on with his paperwork and just keep his head down. But the overwhelming urges took hold and he couldn’t shake it. 

So once again he’d found himself hauled up in a cubicle in a bathroom where anyone could walk in, injecting the dilaudid in his arm and revelling in the feeling that followed.

He knew this was the beginning of addiction. He knew the cravings or the shakes and sweats he got when he was having withdrawals weren’t something he should ignore the way he did. But he didn’t want to think about it, he didn’t want to deal with it.

He returned to his desk, trying to keep his head down so no one would see his bloodshot eyes. He slipped back into his chair and tried his best to focus on the file in front of him.

“Spencer?” your voice was barely above a whisper when you addressed him. His head shot up to look at you over the divider between your desks. 

You saw how glazed his eyes were and you knew why. It broke your heart.

“You know you’re not in this alone don’t you Spence?” you kept your voice as quiet as possible so no one else would hear you. Your words surprised him and his brow furrowed.

“What uhm...what do you mean?”

“I’m here, I want to help you through this.”

You were giving him a look so loving that it made him almost burst into tears. He chewed his lip, considering lying and telling you he was fine but he knew you wouldn’t fall for that. 

“Thank you.” He whispered, swallowing a lump in his throat. He gave the bullpen a quick scan to make sure no one was nearby. “Just uhm...please don’t anyone else. They all baby me as it is and I could lose my job if Hotch found out.” He looked back up at you, his eyes scared and confused.

You didn’t tell him the rest of the team probably already knew. 

“Of course.” You said instead. “But you have to promise me something.”

“What’s that?” He raised an eyebrow curiously at you. 

“Whenever you feel yourself craving, even a tiny bit, you tell me, ok?” 

Spencer chewed his lip and nodded sadly. 

“Ok, I will.” He agreed but something in his tone told you not to completely believe him. 

“I know a thing or two about addiction Spence.” You sighed, your voice shaky. You had never told anyone what you were about to tell him. “I uhm...I’ve been there before with someone I loved. When I was a teenager my uhm-“ you were cut off by Hotch who had stepped out of his office and cleared his throat.

_ Saved by the bell? _

“We’ve got a case.” he instructed you all before heading to the round table room, giving Gideon’s door two knocks as he passed.

JJ, Morgan and Emily got up from their desks and started heading after Hotch. 

You stood up from your desk and came around to Spencer, placing a gentle hand on his arm.

“Please don’t forget I’m here Spence. I don’t want you to do anything stupid.” You gave him one last look that you hoped wasn’t too longing, before you made your way passed him towards the round table room where the rest of the team was gathered for your next case.

***

You weren’t sure if it was you or Spencer who was creating the distance between the two of you or maybe it was a combination of both of you. 

It had been four weeks since the night you’d found him at his apartment with the tourniquet around his arm after he’d injected the dilaudid in his arm and two and a half weeks since you’d spoken to him at the office and your dynamic had shifted since. 

Maybe you were burying your head in the sand like the rest of the team were or maybe Spencer had gotten better at hiding his demons. Either way, his drug use hadn’t come up again. 

Several cases had taken you to various reaches of the country and you now found yourself in New Orleans French Quarter, hunting for an unsub who had taken a fifteen month killing hiatus between victims. 

The lead detective on the case, William LaMontagne Jr had called them in after he made a connection between a new body and several more from pre-Katrina that his late father had been investigating before his death. 

Spencer had been even more distant during the course of this case and you knew you weren’t the only one who noticed. 

Hotch had instructed him to join Morgan and Prentiss on the jet to Texas to interview a witness but he had never shown. He didn’t answer your phone calls or Gideon’s. And you knew you were partly to blame. 

Maybe if you’d tried harder to help, or tried at all, it would have made a difference. Maybe you could have gotten to him before it reached this point. 

But if truth be told, you were too scared. Out of everyone you were in the best position to help Spencer after you’d dealt with this before but your own past had clouded your present judgement and the fear of having to delve into that world again held you back from helping your best friend. 

Once the case was wrapped, you knew you had to do something, to say something. You knew if the shoe was on the other foot and you needed help Spencer would come running. So you swallowed your fear and with just a few hours before the jet was due to take you back to Virginia, you went in search of your friend.

***

_ Spencer had completely lost track of time. What had probably only been hours felt like it had been weeks of torture in Hankel’s cabin. _

_ Hankel came over to him, the look in his eyes told Spencer he wasn’t dealing with Tobias anymore, but one of his more evil personalities. _

_ Hankel grabbed him by his hair roughly, forcing a small yelp from between Spencer’s lips and pulled his head back. _

_ “You ready boy?” he snarled menacingly. _

_ “Ready for what?” Spencer gulped. _

_ “My son thinks god gave you to him for a reason. Let’s see if we’re both right.”  _

_ Hankel took hold of the back of the chair Spencer was strapped to and spun it round with ease. He placed a camera in front of him. Spencer swallowed, knowing all too well what the camera would be for.  _

_ He knew it would only be a matter of time before his team saw him. He had to try and think of a way to get some kind of message to them but he didn’t know what or how.  _

_ He was hazy from the drugs Tobias had injected him with and the loss of blood. His brain just wouldn’t focus on any thought long enough. As soon as he found himself grasping at an idea, the drugs would cloud his mind again and the thought would escape him. _

_ “The other heathens are watching. Choose a sinner to die and I’ll give them a name and address of a person to be saved.”  _

_ *** _

You remembered the moment with great clarity and probably always would. You had been in the kitchen of Hankel’s house, practically wearing a hole in the floor from pacing when you’d heard Garcia’s frantic voice from the other side of the house.

_ “Oh god, oh god, oh god. Guy’s its Reid, come quick!” her voice was cracking as she yelled, even from the other end of the house you could hear it. _

_ You came running, as did the rest of the team, gathering around Hankel’s bank of computer screens. _

_ All of them showed the same image: Spencer strapped to a chair, blood dripping down his face.  _

_ “Oh god, Spence.” your hands went to your face and your eyes instantly brimmed with tears.  _

_ “Is he streaming this worldwide?” Gideon asked Garcia but she was shaking her head. _

_ “No, he’s streaming it straight to his home computer.” _

_ “This is just for us.” Hotch spoke all their thoughts.  _

_ “I won’t choose who gets slaughtered and have you leave their remains behind like a poacher.” Spencer’s voice carried through the speakers. He sounded exhausted and his words were a little slurred.  _

_ You watched in horror as Hankel advanced on the young doctor and yanked him up from the chair. _

_ “Choose one to die and save a life. Otherwise they're all dead.” he threw him back to the chair and Spencer howled in pain.  _

_ Hankel stood back to reveal a bank of computer screens like the ones they were gathered around his home. The feed was grainy but they could just about make out a different scene on each screen. Each scene depicted a different living room, a different couple in each one. _

_ Spencer looked from the computer screens before looking back to the camera. The way he looked into the lens felt as though he was staring at you all, asking you for answers. But you couldn’t communicate with him.  _

_ The tears in your eyes felt as though they were burning. You knew you wouldn't be the only one trying to stem tears but you were the only one who’s tears weren’t as a result of watching your friend held hostage. You were watching the man you were sure you loved held hostage. _

_ After what felt like a lifetime, Spencer’s haggard voice carried through the tinny speakers in the room again. _

_ “Far right screen.”  _

***

Honestly you don’t know how you found him. You could have asked Garcia to track his location on his phone but for some reason, you found him with little to no trouble.

Maybe that was a sign of how intune you and Spencer were to each other. You sometimes felt as though you knew him better than you knew yourself. Still, you were surprised when you walked into that New Orleans bar and saw him slumped over the counter, a glass of scotch in front of him.

You were cautious in your approach, not wanting to startle him. But the connection between you two, the one that had helped you find him, allowed him to sense your presence without him having to turn around.

“I knew you’d be the one to find me.” He croaked, still not looking at you. 

You slid into the bar stool next to him taking in his appearance.

His usually unruly hair was even messier than normal. His tie was undone and hung loosely around his neck and the top few buttons of his shirt were undone.

And because of this unspoken bond between the two of you, you knew.

“You’re high aren’t you?” Your eyes stung with tears. “Right now, you’re high.”

He turned to face you and his bloodshot eyes confirmed what you already knew.

“Yes.” He shrugged. “I am.” 

“I thought you’d stopped.” 

“So did I.” Spencer agreed. “But it’s like I can’t function properly without it now.” 

“How many times?” You weren’t sure you wanted to know or if Spencer would even tell you. But you couldn’t stop the words coming out from between your lips.

He shrugged again, his eyes glossy as he looked at you.

“I didn’t count.” 

You knew that was a lie, Spencer knew exactly how many times he’d used but he didn’t want to tell you. And that was worrying enough in itself. 

“Everyone knows something is up. We’re profilers for Christ sake Spence, we all know what’s going on.” 

“I know.” He nodded sadly. “But I can’t stop Y/N.” 

The look he gave you made your heart ache. You shuffled your stool a little closer and placed your hand on top of his. He was shaking.

“You don’t have to do this alone.” You told him softly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there like you needed me to be, but from now on I’m by your side every step of the way. I promise you, you’ll get through this.” 

He nodded but he didn’t seem as though he really believed you. But you were determined to show him.

You kept hold of his hand and sat in a slightly stifled silence in the bar until it was time to meet the others to head home. 

Spencer slept the whole way on the jet and it was nice to see him relaxed for the first time in weeks.

You hated yourself that you let it get this far. It wasn’t you that had held Spencer captive and kicked off his addiction, but why in that moment did you feel to blame?

Things would get better for a time, but you didn’t know it yet. You would accompany Spencer to his NA’s meetings at Beltway Clean Cops. You would sit and listen as he told the group about his experience with Hankel and his cravings. 

You would sit up at night with him when he had the shakes and was crying and begging you for one more hit. 

You would stroke his hair back and dry his eyes when he spent hours vomiting when his hunger for dilaudid got too much. 

And over time he would seem better. Maybe he was a good actor or maybe you would start to turn the other cheek. But nothing would prepare you for what was to come. 

Nothing would ever ready you for the phone call you would receive from JJ on a cold Saturday night almost a year after the night in that New Orleans bar. 

  
  


***

**Ten Months Later**

The whole team had gathered, JJ had called you all. Morgan was on the hard plastic chair to your left and Emily to your right. Garcia was the other side of Morgan, her head on his shoulder as silent tears rolled down her face. Gideon and Hotch paced at opposite ends of the room and JJ stood by the door, tapping her foot impatiently on the floor. You barely noticed your team's proximity to you, they could have all been miles away for all you knew. 

It had been a normal Saturday night, well not entirely normal as you’d all actually had the night off. You’d been half through your takeout pizza and half a bottle of wine down when your phone had rang.

When you’d seen JJ’s name on the display you’d groaned thinking there was another case. But when you’d answered the call and heard her panicked breathing on the other end, you felt your whole world collapse around you.

Spencer had been doing so well. You’d accompanied him to Beltway every week for two months. After that he’d started going every few weeks but you still always went with him. After four months, he would call you out of the blue when he was feeling urges and you’d go with him to a meeting but they were few and far between now. Just a few weeks ago he’d been nine months sober. 

The fear had disappeared from his eyes and he’d seemed much more like his old self. Maybe he just got better at hiding it, because you never saw this coming. 

_ “Y/N, it’s JJ.” Her voice had been riddled with tears and the panic had immediately set in. _

_ “JJ, what’s wrong?” You’d sat bolt up right on the couch, almost dropping your wine glass in the process. _

_ “It’s Spence,” she’d sobbed. “You have to come now.”  _

And somehow, you’d known without her saying as much. You’d known exactly what had happened. When she’d told you to come to the hospital, your suspicions were confirmed.

You hadn’t even considered changing, you’d been out the apartment and in a cab quicker than your mind could comprehend what was happening, it was only now you gave a brief thought to your attire; your old tatty house leggings and oversize t-shirt that read “ _ You were reading and then you saw a bird? Cool story Poe”  _ a t-shirt you had to explain the joke of to Spencer countless times. 

“ _ I understand the Poe reference.”  _ He would tell you. “ _ But I don’t understand why it’s funny.”  _

_ “You know when people, cool story bro? It’s a play on that.” _

_ “What people?”  _

He would always furrow his brows trying to understand but it was always lost on him. The literary reference wasn’t lost on him, but puns were not his area of expertise.

You knew if he were able to see it now the conversation would be the same one you always had. You never thought you would miss that same stupid conversation. But now there was a possibility you may never have it again, you wished you could have had it one last time.

One single word clung to the stifled air in the hospital waiting room. It was on the tips of all your tongues, and it didn’t make sense to any of you.

_ Overdose. Spencer had overdosed.  _

JJ had been the one to find him. Much like you had done months ago, she had gone to his apartment when he hadn’t answered her calls. 

She’d found him passed out on his couch, barely breathing, an empty vial of dilaudid and syringe on the floor, his makeshift tourniquet still around his arm.

You were selfishly glad you hadn’t been the one to find him because honestly, you wouldn’t have been able to spring into action like JJ had done. You would probably still be there now, crying over his lifeless body. 

If Spencer pulled through this, you would be forever grateful to JJ. 

The last you’d all heard he was stable but unconscious but not out of the woods. The doctor had told you his recovery would be dependent on his reaction to their treatment. They would flush out the dilaudid but they couldn’t be sure it hadn’t done permanent damage. 

And what if it had? What if Spencer never recovered from this? Is that what he’d wanted? Had he deliberately taken an overdose?

Spencer was unfathomably smart, he would know how much was too much. You hadn’t even realised he was struggling again and you blamed yourself for this. You should have seen the signs. If Spencer died, you would never forgive yourself. 

***

_ Spencer knew his time was up. He knew it the moment Hankel undid his restraints. There was no way he was letting him go, he knew without a shadow a doubt he was going to die. _

_ He hoped the team wouldn’t beat themselves up too much about not being able to save him but he knew you all would, you especially. He hoped in some way you knew about his true feelings towards you, he wished he’d told you sooner.  _

_ Now he would never know what it would be like to kiss you, to make love to you; to tell you how madly he was in love with you.  _

_ Thoughts of this nature swam around his hazy mind as Hankel dragged him by his collar outside. It was cold and the air was biting. He fell to the dirt, too weak to support himself.  _

_ Hankel tossed him a shovel.  _

_ “Dig.” He spat and despite his lack of energy, Spencer did as he was told and started digging a hole in the dirt.  _

_ “I’m going to bury you alive in there. Give you time to think about what you’ve done.”  _

_ “I know what I’ve done.” It was only when Spencer spoke that he realised he was crying.  _

_ “Don’t talk back to me. Dig.”  _

_ Spencer tried, he tried his best to dig and think of anyway out of this.  _

_ He could try and hit Hankel with the shovel, knock him unconscious for long enough that he could make a run for it.  _

_ But Spencer knew he didn’t have the strength required left in his body to overpower Hankel in such a way.  _

_ And so he was going to die. He was digging his own grave. And no one would ever find him.  _

_ His energy depleted, he paused, wiping his sweaty brow on his sleeve. _

_ “What you stopping for? Dig faster.” Hankel practically growled.  _

_ “I’m not strong enough.” Spencer sobbed, his voice as weak as he felt inside.  _

_ “You’re all weak.” Hankel marched closer to him, stripping off his coat and tossing it on the floor. _

_ He spun his back to Spencer. _

_ “The lot of you. Pathetic weaklings.”  _

_ Spencer knew he had to move fast. With the tiny amount of effort he could muster he managed to dive into Hankel’s coat pocket and found the gun.  _

_ He aimed it at the back of Hankel’s head and curled his finger around the trigger. _

_ Sensing something, Hankel spun back to face Spencer, drawing his own gun and pointing it right back at him.  _

_ “Only one bullet in that gun boy.” Hankel smirked menacingly.  _

_ Spencer didn’t hesitate because he knew if he did, he was going to die. He pulled the trigger praying to a god he didn’t believe in that that one shot would be all he needed.  _

_ A fraction of a second later, Hankel dropped to the floor, blood spilling from the gunshot wound.  _

_ Spencer crawled to Hankel’s side and pushed the gun out of his reach. _

_ “Reid! Reid!” He heard a voice in the distance, it barely took a second to register he recognised it as your voice.  _

_ Spencer got on his knees and leant over Hankel’s body.  _

_ “You killed him.” Hankel croaked out.  _

_ “Tobias?” Spencer whispered.  _

_ “There he is!” He heard your voice again, closer now.  _

_ “Do you think I’ll get to see my mom again?” Hankel sounded so innocent, it was hard to believe this was the same man who had tortured him.  _

_ “I’m sorry.” Spencer sniffed, oddly feeling bad for ending the man's life.  _

_ Seconds later, Hankel’s eyes glazed over as he took his last breath.  _

_ Soon after you and the rest of the team came into view in a clearing in the trees. As soon as you saw him kneeling over Hankel’s lifeless form, you holstered your gun and sprinted over to him.  _

_ “Oh my god Spence.” You dropped to the dirt on your knees next to him and threw your arms around him. “I thought...I thought…” you choked on your sobs. _

_ Spencer gave you a shaky smile. _

_ “I’m ok Y/N. I’m ok.” He made a promise to himself then and there that tomorrow, he was telling you how he felt. Come hell or high water.  _

***

Tomorrow had come and gone and between work and trying to stem his addiction, he’d not yet managed to make his feelings known.

His fingers twitched but he couldn’t manage to open his eyes just yet.

“Mr Reid?” 

He heard a voice, it sounded distant.

“Mr Reid? I’m going to call a doctor.” The nurse hurried from the room.

_ I’m a doctor,  _ he tried to say out loud,  _ not Mr, doctor,  _ but the words stayed in his head.

_ Open your eyes Spencer,  _ he scalded himself.  _ Open your eyes, tell Y/N you love her. _

_ *** _

You had no idea how long you were at the hospital for. Hours felt like days, minutes felt like hours. You stared at the opposite wall running through all the scenarios in your head. None of the outcomes were positive.

It felt like you had been sitting in that hard chair for  _ years  _ when the door to the waiting room opened and Spencer’s doctor stepped in.

He was met with eight sets of eager eyes, pleading him for good news.

You jumped up from the chair, advancing towards him.

“How is he? Is there any change?” JJ spoke for all of you. 

“You’ll all be pleased to know Mr Reid is awake.”

“Doctor Reid.” You couldn’t hold back correcting the doctor. 

“Apologies,  _ Doctor _ Reid.” He gave you a small smile. “Which one of you is Y/N?”

Blushing you stepped forward a little more.

“That would be me.”

“Doctor Reid is asking for you. You can all visit with him one at a time but then he will need some rest.”

“So he’s going to be ok?”’ Garcia asked, pleading with the doctor with her eyes.

“He’s not completely out of the woods but he’s showing good progress. I’ll want to keep him here a few days to monitor his vitals and I will be recommending some rehabilitation facilities. But he’s strong, I’m hopeful he will make a full recovery.”

All eight of you breathed a collective sigh of relief. The tension in the room lifted and you were all able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

“Y/N I’ll take you to his room.” The Doctor motioned for you to follow him. You turned back to your team who all gave you nods of encouragement. 

You followed the doctor, and just as you were heading through the doors you swore you heard Morgan say, “ _ pay up baby girl you owe me ten bucks. I told you something was going on with Reid and Y/L/N.” _

***

As soon as you stepped into Spencer’s hospital room he tried to sit up only to have the doctor insist he stay laying down. 

He was hooked up to a heart monitor and blood pressure machine. His hair was damp and stuck to his forehead and the scars in the crook of his left arm shattered your heart into pieces. But god if he wasn’t still the most beautiful man you had ever laid eyes on.

The doctor excused himself and suddenly the two of you were alone. 

The room was full of words unspoken and questioned unanswered. You came close to his bedside and as soon as you were in reach Spencer took your hand in his.

“You had me worried for a minute Spence.” You chuckled but the tears started to fall at the same time. “Don’t ever do that to me again. Please.”

Spencer chewed his lip as a few of his own tears escaped.

“I’m so sorry.” He sniffed loudly. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Hey stop that.” You used your free hand to place your finger gently against his lips to silence him. “You’re ok and that’s all that matters.”

“It wasn’t intentional. I know that’s what everybody will be thinking. I didn’t mean to overdose. I didn’t want to...I didn’t want to die.” His voice cracked under a sob. “I would never... _ could  _ never leave you.” 

His words made your heart soar but you tried to ignore it. He probably hadn’t meant just  _ you,  _ he probably meant the whole team. 

“You should have called Spence.” You shook your head sadly. “You should have called me or JJ or anyone. Not this Spence. You were doing so well.”

“I know.” He agreed sadly. “I made a terrible decision. One that almost cost me my life, the life I fought so hard for in that damn cabin.” 

His eyes flicked down to your shirt and a slight playfulness danced in them.

“I never get that shirt.”

You gave him a small smile. Using the pad of your thumb to gently wipe away his tears but they just continued to fall heavier. 

“No more dilaudid Spencer. Ever. You need to get help.”

“I know.” He agreed again. “But first, I need to tell you something.”

“It can wait, Spence. Everyone else really wants to see you and you need to get some rest. Anything you need to say can-“

“No.” He cut you off. “I’ve waited long enough. Too long. I need to tell you this and I need to tell you right now.”

The look he was giving you told you what he wanted to say held a lot of weight on him. The look scared you, like what he was he was going to say was going to change your whole life.

And it would. The next words out his mouth would change the course of your whole life. The words would lead to so much happiness and so much heartache. His next words would take you to the best days of your lives and your worst. 

Years later you would wonder if it would have been better for you both if he said nothing at all. But you would never know because suddenly he was speaking those words he’d wanted to say for so long and he would never be able to take them back.

“I love you Y/N. That is, I’m  _ in  _ love with you.” 

How you had longed to hear those words leave his lips. How many dreams you’d had hearing him say that exact thing. Your heart skipped a beat as you looked down at him in the hospital bed, his words playing over and over in your head.

“Y/N?” He squeezed your hand a little. “Did you hear me?”

You bit down on your bottom lip and nodded stiffly. 

Spencer Reid had just confessed his love to you and you just stared at him blankly. 

“Y/N? Please say something.” 

Why couldn’t you say anything? You knew what you wanted to say but for some reason your brain wouldn’t communicate that message to your mouth. Spencer’s words had shocked you to the point of rendering you speechless. You never thought you would hear him say those words. 

“Oh god.” Spencer slipped his hand out of yours. “I’ve really messed this up haven’t I? I’m sorry Y/N please just pretend I didn’t say anything, ok?”

Again you couldn’t form the words. You just stood staring at the man you loved unable to tell him so.

“Come on Y/N I feel like an idiot. Please, say something.” 

**_I’ll be the one, if you want me to_ **

**_Anywhere, I would’ve followed you._ **

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. The Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader struggles with the death of her father and Spencer struggles trying to get through to his grieving girlfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of my Say Something mini-series flashbacks. Originally posted on my tumblr fortheloveofcriminalminds.
> 
> CW - angst and some fluff. Mentions of drug use and addiction, death of readers father. Case details in present day from 4.11 Normal and 3.16 Elephants Memory in flashback scenes. Bookend quote from 4.2 The Angel Maker. The film they are discussing at the beginning is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Flashbacks carry on from what happened after the end of The Addiction. 

**_“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.” - Chuck Palahniuk._ **

**2008**

“I’m just saying, it was riddled with historical inaccuracies.” Spencer shrugged as you walked down the street. 

“What part threw you off? Was it the aliens?” You sighed a little, knowing he was going to tell you no matter what you said.

“Aside from that concept, don’t even get me started on that, but on the map of their journey it depicted British Honduras as Belize which wasn’t a name that was adopted until 1973. It was set in 1957 right? On that note, the typeface used on the map, _Avant Garde,_ was not released until 1970. The gas masks the biohazard team used were M-17’s which for starters weren’t designed to protect against radiation so not only were they dangerous, they weren’t developed until 1959 anyway. There are also visible posters for the movies _Touch of Evil_ and _Vertigo_ which weren’t released until-“

“Oh my god Spence,” you cut him off. “It was just a movie.”

“They could have made it a little more believable.”

“Spencer, I don’t think people are going to see _this_ Indiana Jones movie for the believability factor.” 

This was why you and Spencer rarely went to movies. It was dangerous territory when your boyfriend was a genius who relayed you facts and ruined your favourite flicks. 

“I’m just saying they could have done a little more research. The RPG-7 rocket launcher he gets from the back of the truck-“

This time you didn’t need to stop him from reciting more inaccuracies, this time he was cut off by your phone ringing. 

You had never been so happy to hear your phone ring, but that feeling would be very short lived. 

You stopped walking and pulled your phone from your pocket before placing it to your ear.

“Y/N Y/L/N.” 

Spencer watched as your eyebrows knotted together.

“Yes. Yes. Oh my god.”

He saw your whole face drop.

“Oh my god, yes I’ll be right there.” 

Before Spencer knew what was happening you took off walking again. 

“Y/N!” He chased after you. 

“Oh god, oh god, oh god.” You stopped walking and stood by the road, frantically trying to flag down a cab. 

“Y/N, what’s happening? What’s going on?” He gently took hold of your arm and turned you to face him.

His heart skipped a beat when he saw how pale you were and the small tears that were making their way down your face. 

“Y/N,” he stroked your tears away with his thumb. “What was that phone call about?” 

“My dad.” You turned away from him again, desperate to get a cab. “He’s in the hospital.” 

A cab pulled over and you jumped in the back seat. Spencer followed you, sliding in the other side.

“What are you doing?” 

“I’m coming with you of course.” He took hold of your hand. You didn’t have time to argue with him as much as you wanted to. 

You turned your attention away from him to the front of the cab.

“George Washington University Hospital please.” You croaked to the driver. He nodded and seconds later he was peeling away from the sidewalk. 

***

  
  


_The Aquila Recovery Centre housing was put lightly, not what Spencer was accustomed to. It was too bright, too tidy and had a distinctive lack of books for his liking._

_It was nice he supposed, quaint, but quaint wasn’t something Spencer had ever found himself enjoying._

_For his first few days he’d felt like a stranger in the place he was temporarily calling home. The furniture was nice, the artwork on the walls was nice; but it wasn’t his apartment._

_He missed his chessboard, his stacks of case files on the coffee stained table. He missed the way the old leather of his couch squeaked whenever he sat down._

_He missed his vinyl player and being able to lose himself in Mozart or Bach. He even missed the way the pipes in the old apartment hummed whenever he turned on the hot water or Mrs Bramowitz_ _next door constantly making an unnecessary amount of noise._

_Maybe that was the weirdest part about Aquila, the quiet. He’d lived in a busy suburb of DC for several years now, he’d grown fond of the constant hustle and bustle going on outside._

_But at Aquila, the quiet was deafening. The quiet left him with too much time to his own thoughts which were the reason he’d used in the first place._

_They kept him on a strict routine, apparently it was one of the keys to success. He was allowed to mingle with other residents and he had group and one-on-one therapy sessions everyday. They’d given him a gym membership but in his twenty six years he’d yet to step into a gym and didn’t plan to start now._

_He enjoyed the daily ten minute walk to the clinic down the street where the meetings were held. It was spring and the weather was pleasant. Everything else in his day to day, he simply tolerated for the purpose of getting sober._

_Once a week for one hour on a Saturday he was allowed visitors from a pre approved list. You and the rest of the team were the only ones he’d had to put on it._

_JJ, Morgan, Prentiss, Garcia and even Gideon had visited him. Gideon’s visit was a brief one to explain to Spencer he was leaving the BAU and going back into retirement. It wasn’t exactly what he’d needed to hear when he was trying to recover from addiction but it was better than leaving the rehabilitation facility and finding his mentor had left._

_With Gideon’s sudden departure Hotch had been too snowed under to visit but always sent his best wishes along with whatever member of the team was visiting that week._

_But you had not been to visit him once in his six week stay._

_Things had been left on an awkward note between the two of you. He’d told you he was in love with you. You hadn’t responded. Before you’d had a chance to say anything, JJ was at the door of his hospital room begging to see him._

_Two days later he’d been discharged from the hospital and put into the care of Aquila. And he hadn’t seen you since._

_He was constantly worried about when he left the facility and not just for the obvious relapse issues. He was worried what would happen when he came face to face with you again. Were things going to be strained between the two of you? Were you going to pretend nothing had happened and just carry on as normal?_

_Spencer didn’t think he could just pretend. He loved you and it was out there now. He just wished he knew where he stood._

_He tried to not think about you and focus on his recovery but you’d been at the forefront of his mind since the first time he met you and he knew that wouldn’t change over night._

_But his sobriety had to be his first priority, love would have to wait._

_***_

The hospital room was silent aside from the machines your father was hooked up to and their incessant beeping. 

The air was hot and clammy and heavy with the hurt that came from watching your father in pain.

You’d been vigil in the chair at his bedside for several hours now. Spencer was in the chair next to you and he hadn’t moved either, aside from getting you coffee you hadn’t drank. 

He’d tried to engage you but you’d been unresponsive. You’d barely said two words to him since you’d gotten the phone call from the hospital. 

What did he expect you to say? Your fathers liver was failing. His other organs had started to give up on him. He was dying and so Spencer would have to excuse you for not feeling in the mood to placate him. 

Both of your phones suddenly went off, the silence of the room shattering around you. You didn’t need to look at your phone because you knew what it would be: a new case.

Spencer read the message from Hotch before looking over at you.

“I’ll call him and let him know what’s going on. I’m sure they can live without us for one case.”

You turned to him, your brows furrowed.

“ _Us?_ You practically spat. “This isn’t about _us_ Spencer. Go to work, I’ll call Hotch.” You gave your father a quick glance before pushing yourself up from the chair.

Spencer followed you out of the room hot on your heels. 

“I’m not leaving you here alone.”

“Spencer, they need you at work. It’s only going to raise suspicion if you don’t go.” 

You and Spencer had been dating almost a year now and had yet to tell the rest of the team. When you’d first decided to try and make a go of things you’d both decided not to tell the team before you figured out if things were going to work out between you. Time passed and it just became harder and harder to tell them the truth. They would be mad you’d kept it a secret so long.

You loved this relationship being your own little secret. It was exciting and thrilling and you worried all that could change when you told the team. You’d been so careful over the last year, you weren’t ready for them to find out this way.

“Y/N, we’re friends. I’m sure they aren’t going to jump to conclusions about us if I stay with you.”

“Spencer,” you clenched your jaw. “I don’t want you here.” 

Your words looked like they physically hurt him. The look in his eyes was as though you had taken a knife to his heart. 

But as horrible as it was, it was true. You didn’t want him here. You didn’t want anyone here. You wanted to be alone with your father in what was probably his final hours.

“Oh.” He whispered, chewing his lip. “Ok.” 

Tears brimmed in his eyes and you wished you could apologise to him, to explain you just needed to be alone but you were in no mood to do so. 

“I’ll call Hotch and let him know what’s going on.” You told him but he didn’t look as though he was listening to you. You could tell he was still playing your words over in his head. 

_I don’t want you here._

“I should go.” He went to walk past you but you put your hand on his chest to stop him. 

“Spencer,”

“Don’t.” he shook his head, stepped backwards from your touch. “Just don’t.” 

And with that he walked away. 

If you weren’t so consumed by what was going on with your father you might have felt guilty. He was only trying to help but you couldn’t accept his help right now. Your father was dying and nothing else mattered. Even your partner's feelings.

You pulled your phone from your pocket with a sigh and dialled Hotch’s number, desperately trying to keep your tears at bay, at least while you spoke with your boss.

_***_

_The six weeks Spencer spent at Aquila went slower than he ever thought possible. Some days it felt as though the time ticked backwards._

_Spencer liked a lot of stimulation, he liked to keep his brain active and his mind working. But at Aquila they discouraged that kind of over stimulation._

_Between meetings he filled his day with menial tasks; going for walks, watching TV and reading the same few books over and over._

_The day of his release came as a blessing. He couldn’t wait to get back to his normal life and get back to work. Spencer didn’t deal well with boredom._

_JJ picked him up from Aquila and drove him home. His apartment was the same as he remembered, dark and chaotic and it was exactly what he’d needed._

_He fell asleep on his couch surrounded by his books with Mozart playing softly in the background excited for his return to the BAU the following day._

_***_

_His excitement turned to fear after just one night's sleep. As he stood in the elevator the next morning, he was consumed by dread._

_It would only take one bad case to send him spiralling but that’s not what was bothering him. No, all he could think of was what it would be like to see you again._

_Six weeks was a long time and after your last encounter he had no idea how you were going to be around him. He didn’t know what he would do if you weren’t talking to him, but given that you hadn’t been to visit him, he assumed you probably weren’t._

_The elevator dinged and he stepped out on the BAU floor. Nervously he made his way to the bullpen, holding his breath as he opened the door._

_It felt like it had been years since he’d last been here. But as soon as he stepped into the bullpen his nerves dissipated slightly as JJ, Garcia, Emily and Morgan hurried around him._

_“Oh look at you!” Garcia ran to him and held his face. “My junior G-man back where he belongs.”_

_“Welcome back kid, we missed you.” Morgan patted his back._

_He received hugs from both JJ and Emily, welcoming him back. The whole time, his eyes were fixated on the back of your head though. You were still at your desk with your back to him, making no attempt to come over._

_When the fuss over him had died down and the others allowed him further into the room, he headed straight for his desk. He set his bag down, his eyes on you as you tried to busy yourself with a case file._

_“Hey Y/N.” he spoke eventually when you said nothing._

_You looked up briefly, not meeting his eyes._

_“Hi Reid. Welcome back.” you replied before turning your attention back to your work._

_You very rarely called him Reid and that was just the tip of iceberg of your demeanor towards him. He wanted to say something but he knew now wasn’t the time or place. Hopefully he would have a chance to talk to you later._

_“Welcome back Reid.”_

_Spencer hadn’t noticed Hotch leaving his office until he heard his voice carrying across the bullpen._

_“Sorry to make you dive right in but we have a case.” he addressed everyone._

_“Wait until you meet Rossi,” Emily told Spencer as she headed with the others towards the meeting room. “I think you two will get along great.”_

_“I’ve heard a lot of good things about him.” Spencer smiled, he’d been looking forward to meeting the legendary David Rossi and he wasn’t going to let you put a damper on that. “I’ve read all his books.”_

_Spencer started following the others, trying to get his focus on the case rather than on you. But that was hard when all he wanted to do was talk to you, ease the tension between you and go back to the way things were before._

_But things were never going to be the same._

_***_

“Earth to pretty boy?” Morgan nudged Spencer in the arm, bringing the younger man back from his thoughts.

“Huh?” he stared at Morgan wide eyed.

“I’ve never known you check your phone so damn much, is everything ok?” Morgan’s voice was a low whisper as the team was in the middle of giving their profile to the Orange County PD cops. Orange County, known for Anaheim’s Disneyland Resort, picturesque beaches and boat laden harbours. And now a serial killer the media had dubbed the _Road Warrior._

“Sorry,” he replied in an equally hushed tone as he slid his phone back in his pocket. “I was just hoping to hear from Y/N. About her dad.” 

“She’ll let us know.” Morgan tried to lift his spirits. He had no idea how hard it was on Spencer though, you weren’t just his friend. But of course he couldn’t say as much. 

“Impersonal killers are like drug addicts.” Hotch’s words snapped Spencer back to reality. “The first time gives them the ultimate high, and after that, no high is good enough. Unfortunately, the addict doesn’t know that. He will chase the high to the gates of insanity and death. By now, killing is all our unsub thinks about. He’s set up the exact same situation again and again, hoping to get the same result. He begins to think he’s doing it wrong. He becomes obsessed with improving his skills, honing his MO, and tailoring his weapon to his deadly purpose. He figures if he gets them all just right, if he can get his technique and his tools perfected, he’ll feel that first high again. He’s becoming a more lethal addict. And he’ll never accept that the high is gone and it won’t come back. He’ll never stop. Never.” 

Spencer swallowed hard. It didn’t matter how much time had passed or how long he’d been sober. It never got easier hearing talk of addicts and highs.

“He’s suffering from a psychotic break.” Spencer managed to force his words out. “And in these kind of instances the only way he will be stopped is suicide by cop.”

“Please circulate this profile. Someone knows this man, they don’t just realise it.” Emily rounded up. 

The cops all nodded and took their leave as the team re grouped together in the meeting room they had been allocated.

Spencer checked his phone once more. No missed calls. No text messages. He knew he needed to focus on the case and help catch their unsub before it was too late. But he was so worried about you and your dad that it was almost impossible.

“Hey baby girl, you’re on speaker.” Morgan answered his phone and placed it on the table so everyone could hear.

“Hello my gorgeous crime fighters. Before we get down to business I just thought I’d let you all know I’ve just had a call from Y/N and there’s been no change on her dad.” she told them sadly.

Spencer’s heartbeat picked up and he tried to hide the hurt on his face. 

You’d called Garcia but you hadn’t called him. How was that supposed to make him feel? It felt like a kick in the teeth. Wasn’t he supposed to be the one you turned to? He thought you loved him, and you knew he would be worried about so why hadn’t you called him?

He tried to push away his hurt feelings and focus on what Garcia was now saying about the case but it was going over his head. It broke his heart to know you hadn’t chosen to confide in him. He tried to not let it affect him, you were dealing with a lot right and he tried not to take it personally. 

But he did. And shaking that feeling wasn’t going to be easy for him.

***

You sat with your head in your hands, the sounds of the machines had turned into white noise in your head. You knew it was only a matter of time. Your father wasn’t strong enough to get through this. His organs were shutting down and you knew it wouldn’t be long before they gave up entirely.

You wanted to have hope but you didn’t want to set yourself up for a fall. You didn’t want to get your hopes up only to have them come crashing back down again. It wasn’t a question of _if_ your father was going to die, it was _when._

He was your only family, the only person in the world who loved you unconditionally. He was your father and your best friend and confidant. 

Since your mom had passed away when you were fourteen it had been just the two of you. Your father took a bad turn after she died and you had spent most of your teenage years looking after him rather than the other way around. He had tried, tried to get on with his life and look after his only child but losing the love of his life had been too hard for him. And he’d never really been the same since. He had been slowly killing himself since the day your mom died and so it was no surprise he was here now like this. 

In a selfish way you blamed him. He had done this to himself. Instead of getting himself together for his daughter he had fallen apart and because of that you were now losing your dad too.

He was a once incredible man, so smart and charismatic. He’d doted on you and your mother and despite always being busy with work he always made sure to make time for his _petal_ as he always called you. 

Up until your mom had passed you had had an idyllic childhood with two wonderful parents, a great home and blissful life. But without your mother, your father just hadn’t known how to cope and he’d spiralled a little more with each passing year. Honestly, it was almost surprising this hadn’t happened sooner. 

You shuffled closer to his bed and placed your hand on top of his. His skin was ice cold and it made a few of your tears escape.

“Oh dad.” you sniffed, staring down at the man you loved more than anything else in the world. “It shouldn’t have to end this way. It isn’t fair.” you were suddenly sobbing. “Dad I’m scared. So, so scared. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do on my own. Of course there’s Spencer, but it’s not the same. I wish I wouldn’t have been so scared to let you meet him. You’d like him, he’s a great man. He looks after me, he’s good to me. He loves me.” you squeezed his still hand. “And I love him, of course. I got lucky. But I should have introduced you to him sooner. The two of you have so much in common, I’m sure you could talk for hours about Freud’s belief on mental illness or Piaget’s theory on cognitive development. Although I think you may have butted heads over Pavlov.” you laughed through your tears. 

You wished you let the two brilliant men meet but every time it had come up, you had gotten cold feet. Every time your father mentioned inviting Spencer for dinner or to a lecture you would come up with some kind of excuse to get out of it. 

It wasn’t that you didn’t want the two of them to meet, far from it. The problem was, Spencer had been in recovery. Spencer would always to a certain extent be working through his addiction and you knew your father was the last person he needed to be around.

Spencer’s issues with dilaudid wasn’t the first time you’d had to deal with addiction. And you knew introducing the two would only be a recipe for disaster.

***

_The case had taken them to West Bune, a small town in Texas on the hunt for an increasingly violent spree killer. They knew their unsub, teenager Owen Savage who was on a mission to bring down the people who had bullied and tortured him throughout high school. They just had to find him._

_Spencer was having a particularly hard time with this case and not just because it was his first back. For the first time in his life he found himself siding with the unsub. He understood what Owen had been through and honestly, a part of him got why he was doing what he was doing. He was also angry that you hadn’t spoken to him in those two days and he was going crazy._

_It was messing with his head and had led to several outbursts over the past two days already._

_“His life was one torment after another. His teachers gave up on him, his classmates bullied him and his father blamed him while giving him access to guns! Given these conditions you’re actually quite fortunate.” Spencer spat at the lead deputy on the case._

_“It sounds like you’re saying these victims deserved it.” Deputy Lawford frowned at Spencer, folding his arms._

_Spencer went to reply but before any words came out, Hotch stepped in._

_“We’re not saying that. Nobody deserves this.”_

_“But you could have prevented it.” Spencer added._

_“Reid, can I talk to you?” Hotch lowered his voice and motioned for Spencer to follow him._

_Spencer rolled his eyes and followed Hotch to an empty office room where Hotch closed the door behind them._

_“It’s the truth!” Spencer raised his voice once they were alone. “They could have done something! They work with his father, they know Owen!”_

_“So what?” Hotch frowned at the young agent. “All adolescents profile like sociopaths. There’s a reason you can’t diagnose them until they’re eighteen.”_

_“Yeah, but they could have seen the signs.”_

_“Nobody sees the signs, Reid.” Hotch sighed. “You know that. And making it their fault is not only unfair, it's dangerous. I want you to go back to Savage's house and I want you to go through Owen’s room.”_

_“Y/N is already doing that.”_

_“Yeah, and you’re joining her.”_

_“Oh, you’re punishing me?” Spencer crossed his arms like a petulant child in a strop._

_“No, I’m using you. You know this kid better than anybody. Go find something we can use.” Hotch told him before storming past him towards the door. When he reached it, he turned back to Spencer. “Reid, I know it's painful when the person you identify with is the bad guy.”_

_And with that he was gone._

_“What does that make me?” Spencer grumbled to himself, trying to get his frustration out before he had to be alone in a room with you. Taking his anger out on you would only make things worse._

_***_

_As suspected searching Owen’s room with you was full of painful silence. You wouldn’t even make eye contact with him let alone speak to him._

_You knew he was struggling with this case and wished he could have come back to one that didn’t drag up so many memories for him._

_He’d told you at length the bullying he endured throughout school and you knew this case had taken him back there. He’d been ridiculed and teased his whole high school career and you knew the memories that were surely playing over in his head were painful ones._

_And that’s what made you finally speak._

_“Spencer,” your voice was so quiet he barely heard you._

_When he turned to face you, you saw the hurt plastered across his face._

_“I can’t imagine how hard this is for you.” You’d encountered your fair share of bullies in high school but you weren’t a twelve year old child prodigy and so you hadn’t had to deal with anything near as bad as Spencer had._

_“No Y/N you can’t.” His words were harsh but his tone was sad._

_You sighed and stepped a little closer to him._

_“I know what you went through in high school and this case must be dredging all that up for you. I know how much you probably wish you could forget.”_

_“It still feels like it was yesterday.” He croaked._

_Cautiously you stepped even closer, attempting to bridge the distance between you. The distance you’d created in the first place._

_“You don’t need an eidetic memory for things like that. You know, we forget half of what they teach us in school, but when it comes to the torment and the people who inflicted it, we’ve all got an elephant's memory.” You went to reach for him but as you did your phone started ringing._

_It was Emily._

_“Hotch wants us back at the station.” You told Spencer once you hung up the phone._

_And just like that the frostiness to your voice returned and without even waiting for Spencer’s response you left the room._

_***_

“Miss Y/L/N?” The doctor caught up with you as you made your way into the hospital the next day on your way to your dad’s room.

It had been four days since you’d gotten the call that he was here and you’d probably had less than a single night's sleep. 

Your phone felt as though it had been constantly going off in that time; texts from Spencer coming in thick and fast. Honestly you hadn’t had the energy to reply to a single one. You’d had well wishes from the rest of the team too but you hadn’t replied to them either. 

You’d only spoken to Penelope and only twice. You just needed to be left alone to figure out how you were going to deal with losing your dad. 

Penelope had spoken to you about when she lost her parents. Morgan had text saying he knew what it was like losing your dad and he hoped that wasn’t going to happen for you now. None of it helped. You’d tried to keep yourself positive but you knew you were facing the inevitable. 

“Yes?” You stopped in your tracks in front of the doctor. You could already tell by the look in the man’s eyes he didn’t have good news for you. 

“Miss Y/L/N, your fathers condition worsened overnight. His lungs are failing, he can no longer breathe on his own. I’m sorry Miss Y/L/N but it’s time to make arrangements. Your father probably won’t make it to the morning.”

In that moment you felt your breathing stop. It felt like someone had just sucked all the air from your lungs. You stumbled backwards a little, gripping the counter of the nurses station for balance.

You’d known it was coming. You knew your father wasn’t going to make a miraculous recovery. But hearing the doctor say it out loud made your whole world feel as though it was crumbling down. 

“Miss Y/L/N, is there someone we can call?”

You shook your head, swallowing the lump that had formed in your throat.

“No.” You croaked. “It’s just the two of us.” Before your tears could fall you pushed passed the doctor. “I need to spend time with my father.” You sniffed practically running down the hall.

It wasn’t the first time you’d thought your dad was going to die. But this time you somehow felt more ill equipped to deal with it than when you’d been a teen.

***

**1997**

_Finding your father passed out in a pool of his own vomit was not how any fifteen year old should be welcomed home from school._

_It was bad that at your age, you knew exactly what to do because it wasn’t the first time you’d found him like that._

_You put your father in the recovery position and called 911. You rode in the back of the ambulance with him and sat with him for hours in the hospital after he’d had his stomach pumped._

_Your father had been unstable to say the least since your mother’s death a year ago. He’d once been a pillar of the community, a hard working, strong man. But your mother’s death had destroyed him. And it was you who had to pick up the pieces._

_You didn’t know how long you were sitting at his bedside when you heard his low croaky voice._

_“Petal.”_

_You looked up and into his dark, haggard eyes._

_“Petal, come here.” He motioned you over to his bed._

_You came closer and he took hold of your hand. His skin was cold._

_“Hi dad, how are you feeling?”_

_“Oh I’m just fine petal, don’t you worry about me.” He brought your hand to his lips and kissed your knuckles. “I’m sorry this happened again.”_

_You chewed your lip, nodding sadly. So were you. You shouldn’t have to go through this at your age._

_“It’s ok.” You lied. “But I think dad...I think…”_

_“What is it Y/N?” He looked at you softly._

_“I think you need help dad. Real help. I’ve been looking into rehab facilities and I think that-“_

_“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t need rehab sweetie. I’ll be fine, I promise. This won’t ever happen again.” He squeezed your hand with what little strength he had._

_You wanted to believe him but you didn’t. Your father had a problem and you couldn’t help him. He couldn’t expect you to. But you were a child, you couldn’t force him to go to rehab._

_“Dad I’m worried about you.”_

_“I’m sorry petal.” He sniffed. “But I promise you, you don’t need to worry. I’m going to be just fine.”_

_The smile he gave you made you believe him. If only you hadn’t been so naive. Maybe if you’d pushed him to get help it wouldn’t have gotten so bad._

_Maybe you could have helped him before it was too late and his liver started shutting down. Maybe if you’d been more persistent you could have saved your father’s life._

_***_

**2008**

Five days after leaving for California Spencer groaned as he heaved himself up the stairs to his apartment, wishing not for the first time that he lived on the ground floor. 

After six weeks off doing basically nothing, getting back into work had been _exhausting_. His whole body ached and his mind was running over the details of the case. 

They hadn’t managed to save the unsubs family in time; in fact the coroner had put their times of death before he and the team had even arrived in Orange County. 

It left a sour taste in everyone’s mouth and although their unsub was dead and could never hurt anyone else, it still felt like a loss.

Spencer rolled his aching neck as he unlocked his front door. He kicked it closed behind him, hanging his satchel and jacket on the hook by the door.

He was about to make his way to the kitchen for some water before he called it a night but he was stopped in his tracks by a light coming under the crack in his bedroom door.

Without hesitating, Spencer unholstered his gun and pointed it in the direction of his bedroom.

His heart was hammering as he tiptoed across the living room. He was an expert at this, but not in his own home. 

As he neared the bedroom door, he was startled by the sound he heard from inside. He stopped in his tracks and listened for a few moments. He was right. He could hear crying.

He holstered the gun once more and cautiously reached for the door handle. He was slow and steady with his movements as he edged the door open.

You were sitting in the middle of his bed with your legs crossed beneath you. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you hugged your arms around yourself.

Spencer swore he felt his heart stop seeing you so sad. And he had a pretty good idea why.

He ran to your side and threw himself on the bed. He wrapped his arms tightly around your shaking form and you curled into him as you continued to sob. 

“My dad died” you confirmed his suspicions. “I didn’t want to go home and you gave me that spare key a while ago and I thought-“

“It’s ok.” He stroked back your hair, kissing your crown. “I’m so, so sorry Y/N.” 

He held you while you cried for several hours. At some point he’d maneuvered you both up the bed and under the covers but in your state you hadn’t noticed. 

You curled into his side, wiping away the last of your tears as you rested your head on his warm chest. He wrapped you in his arms, running light circles on your back with his fingers.

“How was the case?” You croaked.

“Don’t worry about that now.” He replied softly. 

“Spence,” you moved your head so you could look up at him. “You know I didn’t mean what I said at the hospital right? And I’m sorry for not calling and ignoring your messages. I just…”

“It’s ok.” He smiled at you and edged closer so he could place a gentle kiss on your lips. 

“You never need to apologise to me. Just don’t shut me out again, ok?”

You sniffed again, chewing your lip with a nod.

“I promise.” However it wasn’t a promise you would keep. But neither of you knew that then. 

***

_The knock on the door startled Spencer. He looked at his phone for the time, it was a little after eleven pm._

_He pushed himself off the motel bed and dragged himself to the door. He assumed it would either be someone who had got the wrong room or Morgan checking up on him after his outburst today._

_The last person he ever thought would be staring back at him when he opened that door was you._

_You were chewing your lip and looking somewhat bashful, like you didn’t know why you were at his door._

_You both stood there for a few minutes, trying to communicate without using words. The connection between you was so strong, Spencer had a pretty good idea of why you were here._

_“Do you want to come in?” He spoke after a long stretch of silence._

_“If that’s ok.” You whispered._

_Spencer nodded and stepped back into the room. You followed, closing the door behind you._

_Spencer sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for you to sit in the chair which you did. Another few minutes of painful silence followed while you tried to gather your thoughts and decide where to begin._

_“I uhm...how are you doing?” You asked with a small shrug as though you were asking Spencer why you’d decided to ask that._

_“Six weeks four days sober.” He shrugged back. “But my actions the last few days would suggest I’m not ok still.”_

_“I don’t think I’ve helped matters.” You were still chewing your lip. “I guess we should talk about...you know.”_

_“The fact that I told you I’m in love with you and you said nothing?”_

_“Yeah that.” You swallowed. You played with the sleeve of your sweatshirt that was too big for you. Spencer had always thought you looked adorable when you wore clothes that were way too large on you. Sometimes he liked to pretend you were wearing his clothes._

_“I didn’t need you to say it back Y/N, I mean of course I wanted you to. But I would have settled with you saying anything. And then you don’t visit and you don’t call and all I can think is that I’ve completely ruined our friendship.”_

_“You haven’t ruined anything Spence.” You sat forward in the chair a little. “If anything I’m the one who ruined things. I’m sorry I didn’t visit you. I wanted to, so badly. I drove all the way to the recovery centre only to turn around and drive straight back without even leaving the car.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I was terrified Spencer.” You confessed. “I never did tell you about my dad.” You stood up and walked over to the window._

_You stared out at the tarmac parking lot into the darkness surrounding it. Spencer came over and stood next to you._

_“What about your dad?” He encouraged you._

_You sighed loudly, refusing to cry yet. You wanted to at least get through your story first._

_“He was an incredible man. I mean he still is just...not in the same way. He was a psychology professor at Georgetown when I was growing up. It was because of him I became so fascinated with the criminal psyche.” You paused to sniff. Those were better days. “My mom passed away when I was fourteen, cancer. And my dad just broke. He started drinking all the time, popping pain meds like they were going out of style. He lost his job, we almost lost our home. I had to rush him to the hospital twice before I turned sixteen after he’d overdosed.”_

_Spencer understood. It was all becoming clear to him. No wonder you hadn’t been to visit him and been scared to help him. You’d been through it once with your father and he had dragged you back into that world._

_“And then I put you through the exact same thing.”_

_“I guess so.” You shrugged. “He’s never gotten help like you though. He’s not as bad as he used to be but that’s less through choice and more through doctor's orders. His liver isn’t what it used to be, he’s no doubt going to die young. I couldn’t watch that happen to you.”_

_When you turned to him, your tears had started rolling down your cheeks. Spencer stepped closer and cupped your face delicately._

_“I’m so sorry I put you through that Y/N.” He felt tears in his own eyes seeing how much hurt she had caused him. “I wish I could stand here and promise you I won’t ever use again, but I can’t. If I learnt anything at Aquila it’s that I can’t make those kinds of promises. But I can promise you I don’t want to use ever again. I want to stay clean, I want to get better and never put myself or you through that again. I can promise you that I’ll try.”_

_“That’s more than my dad ever said.” You gave him a small smile. “I need you to promise me, for real this time, if you’re ever craving, even the tiniest bit you have to tell me. Right away. I mean it Spence, if you ever do that to me again, I don’t think I’ll be able to forgive you.”_

_He used one hand to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear._

_“I promise Y/N. I swear to you, I won’t put you through that again.”_

_“Thank you.” You sighed, chewing your lip again. “Because I can’t stand to see someone I love go through that again.”_

_Spencer’s hands fell to his sides and at first you didn’t realise why. Then you back tracked and realised what you’d said._

_“Spencer I-“_

_“You love me?” He cut you off, his facial expression unreadable._

_You chuckled a little._

_“Of course I do.” You rolled your eyes. “You know for a so-called genius, you often miss what’s right in front of you.”_

_“You love me.” He repeated, really taking in your words._

_“Yes!” You giggled. “I love you Spencer Reid. And you love me, right?”_

_“More than anything.” He agreed._

_“Good. Then get over here and kiss me goddammit.” You grabbed hold of his lapels and pulled him close to you._

_And Spencer didn’t hesitate. Your lips crashed together in the most passionate kiss. It had been building for almost two years now and you could both feel the longing, taste the need._

_Spencer put his hands on your face, holding you gently and you wrapped your arms around his neck._

_As first kisses go, this one was pretty damn amazing._

_When the kiss broke you were both gasping for air. Spencer rested his forehead on yours and stroked your cheek._

_“Gosh Y/N,” he smiled. “I love you. I well like I’ve always loved you.” And he knew he always would._

_“I love you too Spencer.” You sniffed feeling as though you could cry all over again. But this time, the tears would be happy ones._

_***_

The sun was beaming down from a cloudless sky. Birds chirped in the trees and you couldn’t help but think how unfair that was as a tear rolled down your cheek. 

Spencer’s hand was on your shoulder but you barely noticed it. Your whole body was numb and had been for days now. 

How unfair was it for today of all days to be so beautiful. Did the universe not understand? Could it not see what was happening?

You had to stifle a sob as the casket was lowered into the hole in the ground. Tears cascaded down your face as it disappeared out of sight. His arm snaked around your shoulders, pulling you close to him. He placed a kiss on your crown but you barely registered it.

Public displays of affection weren’t usually a thing between the two of you, it would be too easy to be caught out. When you’d decided to keep your relationship a secret from the team you had strictly taken public touching off the cards. The team had always had their suspicions the two of you were more than friends so you didn’t want to add fuel to their fire. 

You had always said you would tell them when the time was right. You didn’t realise your father’s funeral would end up being the right time. It _wasn’t_ the right time. But you didn’t have the energy to tell Spencer to stop comforting you and you knew even if you did he probably wouldn’t. 

But by the way the team looked at the two of you now, it was clear none of them were surprised. 

Of course they weren’t, they were the best profiliers in the world. They’d probably known before you and Spencer did. You remembered Morgan’s words from when Spencer had been in the hospital. He and Garcia had even had a bet on the status of your relationship. 

“Y/N?” he whispered to you, your eyes still trained on the hole in the dirt. “Y/N?”

You didn’t have any words to offer so you stayed silent. He pulled you closer to him and with his free hand he took hold of yours and interlaced your fingers.

“Y/N, please talk to me.” your hand was cold in his, like a block of ice. “Say something.”

You tried to block him out, afraid if you spoke you would only snap at Spencer. Usually his arms around you had a special way of soothing you no matter your mood. That was the thing about you and Spencer, you always managed to pick each other up. But not now, not now you were witnessing the brilliant man who raised you being laid to rest. If anything, Spencer made it worse, made it hurt more. You didn’t know why, but he did.

You felt empty and nothing Spencer could do or say was going to make it any better. You snatched your hand from his and stepped away from his grasp. His arms fell limply to his sides as he looked at the side of your face, tears welling in his eyes.

Spencer wished there was something he could do, something he could say. He felt powerless, useless. If he couldn’t help you through this, what was the point in him being around?

***

Rossi had insisted on holding the wake at his mansion. You might have argued if you had any energy to do so but you didn’t. 

Rossi threw a great party and although you were in no state to take it in, you would thank him at a later date. 

You were on your fourth glass of scotch when you thought about how ironic it was to be drinking at the wake for a man who had died because of an alcohol addiction. But it didn’t stop you drinking it. 

You were standing outside on Rossi’s deck just needing a breather from it all when you heard the patio door slide open. 

You assumed it would be Spencer so you didn’t turn around. He came and stood next to you but you could instantly tell it wasn’t Spencer. 

“How you holding up kid?” Rossi asked you softly. 

“I really don’t know Dave.” You sighed. “He was all I had.”

“That’s not true.” He frowned a little. “You have me and Morgan, Hotch, JJ, Penelope and Emily. And Reid.” He gave you a mischievous look when he said Spencer’s name. 

“How long have you known?” 

“Since West Bune, Texas.”

You frowned.

“Spencer’s first case back after rehab?” 

“The very same. It was the first case I worked with you both.” Rossi gave you a knowing smile.

“We weren’t even dating then.” 

It was true Rossi was one of the best profiliers you’d ever met, but you hadn’t expected him to notice matters of the heart.

“Didn’t look that way to me.” He grinned.

***

_“I’ll see you tomorrow.” You stepped back out of Spencer’s motel room giggling as he gripped your waist, trying to pull you back inside._

_“Stay with me tonight.” He begged in a slight whine._

_“There will be plenty of time for that back in DC.” You stroked his cheek after you’d wriggled free of his hold._

_He sighed with a small eye roll._

_“Fine.” He huffed._

_You went to walk away but Spencer grabbed your wrist and pulled you back to him. He pulled you close to his body and kissed you._

_“I love you Y/N.” He whispered into your lips._

_“I love you too Doctor Reid.” You laughed. “Goodnight.”_

_“Goodnight.” He watched you go until you were back in your room with the door closed behind you._

_But he wasn’t the only one watching you._

_Rossi stepped out from his hiding place down the hall. He knew what he’d just seen was meant to be a private moment and he hadn’t wanted to interrupt._

_He started back to his room with a smile on his face._

_“Good for them.”_

_***_

“I don’t sleep so good when we’re on the road. I was up getting a snack from the vending machine when I saw you.” 

You blushed, you’d had no idea.

“Ah.” You laughed a little. “Well thanks for not telling anyone I guess.”

“You two aren’t exactly subtle Y/N, I’d be willing to bet everyone else knew too.”

“You’re probably right.” You agreed. 

“He’s a good kid. So are you. You deserve each other.” Rossi patted your arm gently. 

“Thanks Dave.” He tried to smile but he could see something was bothering you.

“Your dad would have loved him.” He squeezed your arm. “The kids a know-it-all but he’s hard not to love.” 

“Tell me about it.” You laughed sadly. “I just wish they would have gotten the chance to meet. I wish my dad knew how happy I was.”

“He knew. Trust me, he knew.”

Without thinking about it, you threw yourself into Rossi’s arms. 

He returned the hug, holding you tight.

“Thank you for this Dave. It’s perfect.” 

“You’re more than welcome.” He pulled back so he could look at you. “Y/N, if you ever need anything, fatherly advice or even just to sit and drink scotch in silence…”

“You’re my man.” You smiled, finishing his sentence to which Rossi nodded. 

“Let’s get in there.” He placed his hand on your lower back and guided you to the door. 

Once inside your eyes met Spencer’s instantly like they always seemed to across any crowded room. 

You advanced towards him and when you reached him, you threw your arms around his neck and with no hesitation, you kissed him.

He was taken aback by your sudden display of affection so it took him a few seconds before he was kissing you back and wrapping you in his arms.

“Oh thank god.” You heard Emily’s voice.

“Can we stop pretending we don’t know now?” JJ laughed.

“What’s it been, a year?” Hotch added.

You pulled back from the kiss to survey your team but Spencer kept his arm protectively around you. 

“So you all knew huh?” You weren’t even surprised.

“Oh darling, the two of you are wonderful but subtlety isn’t either of your strong suits.” Garcia laughed.

You looked up at Spencer who was looking down on you. You gave him a squeeze. 

“Guess the cats out of the bag.”

“The cat was never in the bag to begin with.” Rossi chuckled. “To Spencer and Y/N.” He raised his glass and everyone repeated his words.

“And,” Spencer raised his glass of water. “To Andrew Y/L/N.” 

“Andy.” You smiled sadly. 

“To Andy Y/L/N.” Everyone repeated in a toast. 

It was a sad day. You had lost the man who meant most to you in the world. 

But with friends like these, and a boyfriend like Spencer, it was hard not to see the positive. 

If only things could stay this way forever. But in that moment you had no idea what was to come. 

**_And I’m feeling so small_ **

**_It was over my head._ **

**_I know nothing at all_ **

**_And I will stumble and fall._ **

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

  
  
  



	3. The Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Spencer and the reader deal with Emily’s death. Will they lean on each other or push each further away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with this part, went through about four rewrites. This ended up a little different - I decided as it was something that effected both Spencer and the reader I would tell it from a first person narrative that switches between Spencer and the Readers POV. The last part switches back to third person.
> 
> CW - angst as always and a small bit of fluff. Mentions of rough/agressive sex but nothing too detailed, mostly just fighting and taking their frustrations out on each during sex. Mild swears and mild mentions of past drug abuse. Character “death”. Vague case details from 6.16 Coda and bookend quote from 6.18 Lauren.

**_“The secret to getting away with lying is believing with all your heart. That goes for lying to yourself even more so than lying to another.” - Elizabeth Bear_ **

**2010**

**_Spencer_ **

I had so many words swimming around my head in that moment but nothing that held the gravitas the situation called for. 

It felt as though the world had stopped rotating on its axis when Hotch told us the news, which I know is scientifically improbable but that’s how it felt. Time felt as though it was standing still and everyone else around me slipped away. 

This just didn’t make sense. How could this be happening? I’d heard Hotch loud and clear but I couldn’t make sense of it. And I can usually make sense of everything. 

“Emily didn’t make it off the table.”

_ Emily was dead. _

I was lucky I suppose that in my life I’d never had to deal with the death of someone close to me until now. Maybe you were more equipped to deal with it than me, you’d dealt with your fathers death but I’d never had a death in the family. 

Now we were going to have to attend another funeral, for one of our closest friends.

I went to speak, I wanted to argue that this couldn’t be possible. There was no way, Emily was a fighter, she wouldn’t have given up. It just didn’t seem possible.

But the words didn’t come. No words would come.

I didn’t notice JJ come closer to where I was sitting next to you, only a few inches between us but it felt like miles. She crouched down in front of us, placing one hand on my knee and one on yours. 

“Say something,” she pleaded. “One of you, say something please.” 

It seemed as though I startled everyone when I shot up from my seat and I almost sent JJ flying. I hadn’t meant to. It just felt so stifling in there all of a sudden and I had to get out. 

I heard pleas from Garcia and Rossi as I went to leave but I ignored them. I think I even bumped into Hotch on my way past him but I wasn’t paying enough attention. I threw open the doors and stormed a little way down the corridor. 

I leant against a wall and stared at the ceiling. My eyes stung with unshed tears. I couldn’t be here, I couldn’t stay another moment in this place. The place where Emily had taken her final breaths. But I couldn’t leave, you were my ride.

And after my slightly dramatic exit I couldn’t very well go back with my tail between my legs so I decided to stay in the corridor until you found me. 

Thankfully I didn’t have to wait too long. 

*******

**_You_ **

I watched Spencer storm from the room knowing I would have to go after him but honestly, I didn’t think I had the energy. 

I turned to look at JJ who was still crouched in front of me, pleading with her eyes for me to do something. 

“You’re the only one he will talk to.” She told me softly. 

I wanted to tell her that wasn’t the case. I know I’ll be the last person Spencer will want to talk to but I said nothing. Instead, I got up from my chair following in Spencer’s wake without so much as a glance at any of my team members. 

I found him in a nearby corridor, leaning his back against the wall and staring at the ceiling. He didn’t even look at me as I approached; he just started walking and I followed dumbly. 

We drove home in complete silence, both of us trying to keep our tears at bay until we got home. 

_ Home.  _ Our home, what had once been Spencer’s apartment, had become our home a few months ago. 

We got straight into bed laying at opposite ends of the mattress with our backs to each other. What was in reality only a few feet of distance between us felt as though we were on opposite ends of the country. 

He’d been my rock when my father passed away despite the fact I’d tried desperately to push him away. He’d stayed vigil, determined to stay by my side and honestly I don’t think I would have come out the other side without his help. 

If I could, I would repay the favour. But this wasn’t just affecting him, Emily was both our friends and I didn’t have the energy to comfort him. Likewise, he didn’t have the energy to comfort me.

***

**_Spencer_ **

Our first of what would be many fights over the coming months occurred the following morning. I barely slept that night, opting for mostly crying silently into my pillow. When I did sleep I had nightmares pertaining to Emily’s death at the hands of that bastard Doyle.

I don’t know what time it was when I gave up on sleep altogether and dragged myself into the living room. It was still dark out but I didn’t check the time.

I also don’t know what time it was when you emerged from the bedroom, it was light by then. I was sitting on the couch with my legs curled under me, nursing a now cold cup of coffee.

You made eye contact briefly with me but didn’t speak as you passed to the kitchen. 

I heard you banging around in the kitchen for nearly five minutes, taking your frustration out on utensils and cupboards. 

I don’t know if you were doing it to annoy me, but it was working. I pushed myself up from the couch and followed the noise. 

“Y/N, can you please keep it down a bit. I barely slept and my head is killing me.” 

You spun around and glared at me as though I just said something completely incredulous. You had a glass in your hand and I watched in slow motion as you deliberately let go your grip of it and sent it crashing to the floor. 

“Better?” You asked sarcastically. 

Tiny shards of glass riddled the kitchen floor and the sound was ringing in my ears still.

“Was there a point to that?” I sighed, maneuvering past you and the broken glass to get the dustpan and brush from under the sink as I already knew you didn’t plan on clearing it up. 

“Oh here comes good old Spencer Reid to save the day.” You scoffed as I got down on my knees to start tidying up your mess. 

I decided to rise above it. I didn’t want to add fuel to your fire. We’d only had maybe three fights in our relationship but it was enough to know you were  _ feisty.  _ You didn’t pull punches. There was no holding back. So if I could diffuse the situation before it got to that point, I would. 

“Don’t ignore me Spencer.” You stood over me, I could feel your eyes boring into my head.

“I’m not fighting with you Y/N. Not today.” Not if I could help it anyway. But oftentimes, you were the one who got their own way in this relationship.

***

**_You_ **

Spencer was sitting on the couch sipping his coffee when I got up. I’d been awake for hours, I’d heard him sneak out of the room in the middle of the night and I’d been awake since. 

It had been a terrible night's sleep, much like the ones I’d had after my dad passed away and for the subsequent months that followed. Every time I fell asleep my brain would wake me up with thoughts of Emily. 

I glanced at Spencer as I walked past to see if he might say anything but he didn’t so I kept walking to the kitchen. 

It’s possible I was making more noise than usual to get his attention. It’s not that I necessarily wanted a fight, I just wanted to try and get us talking even if that meant arguing. 

So when he stormed in and said, “Y/N, can you please keep it down a bit. I barely slept and my head is killing me.” I saw my chance to pick a fight. 

I turned to look at him and I don’t know what came over me but I was sad and frustrated and so I dropped the glass I was holding on purpose. He knew I did it on purpose too but I didn’t care. 

“Better?” I said in my most sarcastic tone. There were tiny shards of glass all over the kitchen floor. 

“Was there a point to that?” Spencer sighed heavily, moving around me and the broken glass to get the dustpan and brush from under the sink. Good, because I wasn’t clearing it up. 

“Oh here comes good old Spencer Reid to save the day.” I don’t know why I said that but I did. I needed to take my anger out on someone and he was the closest, easiest target. 

He clearly decided to rise above it. We’d only had maybe three fights in our relationship but it was enough for him to know I am  _ relentless.  _ I don’t pull punches. There was no holding back. So if he could diffuse the situation before it got to that point, he would try. But once I’m in the mood to fight, we’re going to fight. 

“Don’t ignore me Spencer.” I stood over him, glaring down at him. 

“I’m not fighting with you Y/N. Not today.” 

“Of course not.” I spat. “Because that would mean you have to show some passion, and god forbid you  _ ever  _ show any passion. Sometimes it’s like I’m dating a goddamn robot!” I don’t know why I said that either. It wasn’t true, not at all. But I wanted a rise out of him. I wanted him to yell, to scream. I wanted to feel something. 

I stormed past him back to the living room and as I suspected he followed soon after.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He didn’t raise his voice but his tone had changed. “Excuse me for not wanting to fight with you, my best friend just died!” 

“She was my friend too!” I yelled, knowing I had him on the cusp. 

“Well clearly we have two very different ways of coping.” He came closer, glaring at me. “Just because I’m not a  _ child  _ who deals with their grief by smashing glasses doesn’t mean I don’t feel anything. Seriously Y/N you are so frustrating sometimes.” His voice was getting louder and the look he was giving me was close to hate. And I was thriving off of it. 

“Oh I’m the frustrating one?” I stepped closer, we were now close enough to touch.

“Yes, you are! Honestly sometimes I want to just...I want to…” he trailed off. 

I stepped even closer, so close I could feel his hot breath on my face.

“You want to what, Spencer?” My eyes were dark as I stared at him. I was riling him and I loved it. 

I saw his jaw clench as he thought through his next move. I was surprised to say the least when he grabbed me by my shoulders, pushing me backwards.

My back collided with the wall and I let out a small gasp but I was soon silenced by his lips on mine, his body slamming into me. 

His hands went up my shirt and roughly took hold of my breasts. He was kissing me in a way he’d never kissed me before, and I have to say I loved it.

“You are so damn frustrating Y/N.” He spoke into my lips. 

“Right back at ya.” I replied. 

He roughly grabbed me again and lifted me so I was in his arms. I wrapped my legs around him and he continued kissing me as he carried me through to the bedroom. I pulled his hair, spurring him on.

He threw me to the bed and stripped off his old robe revealing he had nothing on underneath. He was already aroused and so was I. 

He climbed on top of me, kissing me roughly.

“You drive me insane.” He spat as he bit down on my bottom lip. 

When he entered me, it was hard and fast. I moaned loudly at the feeling. Soon he started thrusting in and out of me, whilst groping at me hard enough to leave marks. 

I don’t think I’ve ever been so turned on in my entire life.

***

**_Spencer_ **

I really don’t know what came over me in that moment when I pushed you to the wall and kissed you roughly but you didn’t seem to mind. 

I was sad and I was angry and it seemed like the best way to get that frustration out. 

I’m never this rough with you, I’m always so careful with you like you were made of glass and I could break you. But clearly we’d both been missing out because we came in record time. 

As soon as I was finished I pulled out and rolled off you. I gave a brief thought to your well being and hoped I hadn’t hurt you.

I sat on the edge of the bed with my back to you.

“Are you ok?” I asked quietly.

“More than ok.” You replied and that was all the confirmation I needed.

I got up from the bed and made my way to the closet. I threw on some slacks and a shirt and cardigan. 

“I’m going out.” I spoke again when I was dressed without looking at you.

“Ok.” Was all you said in response. I heard you get up from the bed and pad across the room towards the bathroom.

“I’m going to see JJ.” 

“I didn’t ask.” You spat before you were slamming the bathroom door behind you. 

I wanted to go after you, to talk to you but I didn’t have the energy. I left the bedroom, slipped on my Converse and grabbed my satchel before I fled the apartment. 

***

I spent the next few hours crying on JJ’s shoulder. If she smelt the remains of you on me and our deed, she didn’t say anything. 

She held me while I cried and I gave a brief thought to the fact I couldn’t do this with you. Why? You were my girlfriend, the woman I loved, but I couldn’t breakdown with you this way.

I knew you were suffering too but surely so was JJ? Months later when I found out the truth it would make more sense but for now it didn’t. 

“How’s Y/N doing?” JJ asked a little while later as she brought me a cup of scalding hot tea.

I shrugged. 

“Not great I guess.” I brought the mug to my lips.

“You guess?” She frowned at me as she sat back down.

I sighed heavily.

“We haven’t really spoken. I guess we’re both shutting each other out.” 

“You can’t do that Spence.” She spoke sadly. “You need each other right now. You need to be able to lean on each other.” 

“Try telling her that.” My words told her I was done talking about you. Thankfully JJ understood. 

“Just please don’t let this drive a wedge between you. You two are great together Spence.”

A few days ago I would have agreed. But right now, it felt as though we were far from great. 

“Hmmm.” I focused on my coffee so I didn’t have to give a proper response. 

It was dark by the time I finally left JJ’s and got the metro home. I hadn’t heard from you all day and I hadn’t expected to. 

I wasn’t surprised to find the apartment empty when I got home. Honestly it was a relief. 

I went straight to the bedroom, stripped down to my underwear and went to slip into bed. 

There was a scrap of paper adorned with your writing waiting on my pillow. It only said two words, but I suppose at least you’d had the courtesy to let me know where you were. 

I slipped under the covers, placing the note on my bedside table. 

All it read was “ _At_ _Rossi’s.”_

*******

**_You_ **

My eyes were completely dry, I didn’t have any tears left in me which I was thankful for as I didn’t want to cry on Rossi’s shoulder. 

I’d spent months after my dad died at Rossi’s, sobbing into the fabric of his expensive suits. He always said he didn’t mind, but I didn’t want to do that to him again.

We sat on his deck sipping cask aged scotch. In the past two hours only a handful of words had passed between us and that was ok. It was nice to just sit in comfortable silence. 

Rossi topped up our glasses before he lit a cigar. He sat back and stared across the lawn.

“Won’t Reid be getting worried about you?” 

“Doubtful.” I scoffed. “He’s probably glad for me not being home.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.” He turned to look at me. 

“Trust me, things are far from good at home.”

“That’s understandable given the circumstances.” He dragged on the cigar. I found the smell comforting.

“Shouldn’t we be leaning on each other rather than pushing each other away?” 

“There isn’t a manual for grief Y/N.” He shrugged. “There is no right or wrong way to get through this.” 

“He was my rock when dad died.” I sighed. “But it’s different this time, this time we’re both grieving.” 

“It’s a horrible thing that happened.” Rossi’s expression changed which was something it rarely did. “Emily was an incredible woman and an impressive profiler. She’s going to be missed by a lot of people.” 

“I don’t know that Spencer and I are going to get through this. Not together anyway.” I confessed my fears. 

Rossi sat forward in his chair and locked his eyes on me. 

“Y/N, you and Spencer will be just fine, I have no doubts about that. But you have to try and work together right now. Not against each other.” 

I nodded, knowing he was right. But that would be easier said than done.

***

Our next fight happened at Rossi’s on that very deck I’d been sat on with him that night, a few weeks later. And surprisingly this time, it wasn’t me who started it. 

It was the day of Emily’s funeral and it was emotionally draining for us all. Rossi held the wake at his house and I briefly wondered if he was getting fed up with hosting such morbid events. 

I was on the deck with Garcia and Morgan enjoying a glass of wine, admittedly not my first of the evening when Spencer stormed outside. 

The look he was giving me was pure, adulterated anger. 

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” He spat at me, completely ignoring Garcia and Morgan.

“Excuse you?” I frowned at his sudden outburst. 

“That’s what, your sixth glass of wine?”

“Didn’t realise you were keeping count.” 

“Put the wine down Y/N before you make a fool of yourself.”

“Whoa, pretty boy just calm-“ Morgan started but I spoke over him.

“Before  _ I  _ make a fool of  _ myself _ ?” I chuckled dryly. “Honey you need to take a step back and review this situation.” Out of spite I took a hefty sip of the wine.

“You’re drunk.” He spat.

“And you’re an ass.” I spat back. 

Poor Garcia and Morgan hung back probably wishing the ground would swallow them whole so they didn’t have to bear witness to this.

“Do you not think it would be a little considerate to not get intoxicated in front of a former drug addict?” He yelled and honestly his words felt like they knocked all the air from my lungs. 

“Do you not think I’d like to get wasted and forget?”

***

**_Spencer_ **

One minute I was talking to Hotch in Rossi's kitchen and the next I was seeing red and storming out into the garden. 

Honestly, I don’t know what came over me at that moment but I was already outside before I really gave a thought to my actions. 

You were on the deck with Garcia and Morgan just trying to enjoy yourself the best you could under the circumstances. 

I couldn’t control the look of pure, adulterated anger on my face.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” I spat at you, completely ignoring Garcia and Morgan.

“Excuse you?” You frowned at my sudden outburst. I couldn’t blame you, I’m not sure why I was acting this way myself. 

“That’s what, your sixth glass of wine?”

“Didn’t realise you were keeping count.” 

“Put the wine down Y/N before you make a fool of yourself.” Where was this coming from? I had no idea. Maybe because since Emily died I had been craving again. I’d been sober for years now but losing Emily brought back the longing for my old habit. But that wasn’t your fault. I should have talked to you about it but I didn’t. And it led here. 

“Whoa, pretty boy just calm-“ Morgan started but you cut him off. 

“Before  _ I  _ make a fool of  _ myself _ ?” You chuckled dryly at me. “Honey you need to take a step back and review this situation.” You took a large sip of your wine and I knew it was out of spite. 

“You’re drunk.” I spat.

“And you’re an ass.” You spat back. 

Poor Garcia and Morgan hung back probably wishing they could just disappear. It wasn’t fair I’d involved them in this. 

“Do you not think it would be a little considerate to not get intoxicated in front of a former drug addict?” I was yelling now. I saw the moment my words knocked the air from your lungs. “Do you not think I’d like to get wasted and forget?”

It was a low blow and I have no idea why I said it. And judging by the look on your face, my words had their desired effect. 

“Wow.” You looked wounded briefly but your anger came back ten fold in an instant as you stepped towards me and tossed the remains of your wine in my face.

I knew I deserved it. But I wasn’t ready to apologise. I grabbed your wrist in retaliation and pulled you closer to me.

“Reid!” Garcia exclaimed. “Both of you, stop this.”

I ignored her, my focus trained on you. 

“We need to talk. In private.” I spoke through clenched teeth and you didn’t argue when I dragged you back into the house by your arm.

I pulled you upstairs to one of Rossi’s elaborate guest bathrooms and locked the door behind us.

You were glaring at me. 

“I can’t believe you would say something like that.” You were seething. “I can’t believe you would have the fucking nerve to-“

I didn’t let you finish your sentence. Instead I cut you when I grabbed your face and pushed you back against the wall. 

I kissed you fiercely, thrusting my tongue in your mouth but you responded in kind by wrapping your arms around my neck.

You tugged my hair, trying to rile me and it worked. I removed my hands from your face and roughly yanked your dress up, kissing you hard the whole time.

I tugged your panties down in one swift move, grasping your thigh in my hand and wrapping it around my hip. 

You were almost violent in your movements of getting my belt undone and pulling my trousers and pants down just enough to free my arousal. 

Within seconds of being freed, I thrust into you forcefully. Your moan was deep and visceral so I clamped my hand over your mouth.

“Be quiet.” I groaned aggressively. 

Your eyes were dark with anger and lust. I pumped into you as hard as my body would allow, shoving you back into the wall with each movement. 

I kept my hand over your mouth the whole time, until I was coming undone and spilling inside of you. My legs shook and I struggled to stay upright as my orgasm consumed me. 

***

**_You_ **

Spencer pulled out as soon as he was finished, clearly not giving a second thought to whether I was finished or not. 

He stepped back, dropping my leg and started tucking himself back into his pants. 

I pulled my panties up and smoothed my dress down. My back hurt from being rammed into the wall and my face hurt from where his hand had been clamped over my mouth. But I didn’t care. It was nice to feel something. 

Before he left the bathroom he turned back to me briefly.

“You ok?” 

It was nice I supposed that despite everything he always cared about me.

“Yeah.” 

“Ok.” And with that he unlocked the bathroom door and left the room. I followed dumbly behind. 

We reached the kitchen and instantly there was a room full of eyes on us. Everyone knew where we’d been and what we’d been doing. Spencer’s hair was a bigger mess than usual, my lipstick was smeared across his face and I imagined both our cheeks were flushed. 

I tried to ignore their imploring eyes. But the judgement was warranted, we’d just had angry sex at our friends wake in our other friends bathroom.

“Thank you for this Rossi.” Spencer spoke eventually. “But I think we’re going to head home.” 

“You’re welcome kid. Drive safe.” Rossi replied, giving us both a knowing look. 

We merely waved in goodbye to the others not wanting to stay a second longer than necessary. 

Spencer fished the car keys from his jacket pocket, unlocked the car and jumped behind the wheel.

I slid in the passenger seat slowly as I was sore all over. I barely had the door closed when Spencer was pulling away. 

As soon as we were home I went straight to the bathroom without a word. I switched on the shower, stripped and stood under the heavy flow. 

My whole body ached from Spencer’s assault on me but it was a good kind of pain. That didn’t stop the tears falling heavily from eyes however. 

I don’t know how long I stood under the water crying and I didn’t hear the door open or Spencer step in the room. 

I jumped a little when I felt his arms around my waist from behind and he pushed himself against my back. 

For a moment I thought maybe he hadn’t had enough back at Rossi’s but he just held me close and rested his chin on my head.

“Did I hurt you?” He whispered into my wet hair. 

“No. Well yes, but that’s not a bad thing.” I was still crying, I couldn’t seem to stop. “I miss her.” I confessed. 

Spencer held me tighter somehow and I could tell by the way I could feel his chest heaving on my back that he was crying too.

“Me too.” He sobbed. “So damn much.” 

We didn’t share any more words after that. We simply stood there, me wrapped in his arms, while we cried. 

I don’t know how much time passed before my legs started getting weak and Spencer was practically holding me up.

He shut off the shower, dried us both down with a towel and carried me to bed. 

***

**_Spencer_ **

It was a kind of intimacy we hadn’t shared in sometime. I knew it wouldn’t last, I knew as I held you in the shower it didn’t mean things were going to change. But it was a nice reprieve from the way things had been as of late.

I carried you to bed and you fell asleep almost instantly. I wish I could say the same. 

The whole team had been given mandatory leave by the director following Emily’s death and tomorrow we had to go back to the BAU. 

Work was never going to be the same without Emily. I knew it would hit even hard when we were back at work that she was no longer with us. Eventually we’d have to get someone in to replace her. 

It had been strange enough JJ leaving earlier in the year and although she was still living in the district and I could still see her it wasn’t the same as working with her. Her replacement Seaver was nice but she wasn’t JJ. And I already knew Emily’s replacement wouldn’t hold a candle to her. 

***

We all carried on the best we could in Emily’s absence. Everyone was affected by the hole she left even though we tried to pretend otherwise. 

Cases continued to take us up and down the country and for the next few months you and I continued the same pattern. One of us would pick a fight and it would end with overly belligerent sex. And honestly it was the only time I really felt something.

We spent less and less time communicating. On cases we separated ourselves and at home it was like you weren’t even really there. 

I suppose we communicated when fought, which seemed to be every other day now. When we fought it got heated to the point we said things to each other we’d never be able to take back. When we had sex, we left marks and bruises on each other that lasted days. 

One time during the act you’d screamed at me to put my hands on your throat and I didn’t have it in me to argue with you so I did. For five days after you’d had noticeable finger shaped bruises on your neck.

Another time you’d dug your nails into my ass so hard I’d struggled to sit down for several days. 

I’d never been a man who liked things like that, at least I never thought I was. But seeing the marks on you I had left behind when you were walking a crime scene or giving a profile filled me with some kind of twisted sense of achievement. Seeing the way you couldn’t walk straight after a particularly rough night aroused me in a way I’d never been before. 

We had an unspoken agreement that if one of us took it too far we would stop. But so far that had never happened. We didn’t say as much but our routine, although extremely unhealthy, helped us both more than talking alone would. Some might say it was dangerous, that that kind of anger needed a healthier outlet but it worked for us.

***

Our third anniversary snuck up on us. The conversation about it had been less than romantic.

_ “It’s our anniversary next week.” I told you without taking my eyes off my book. _

_ “Hmmm.” You replied, flicking through channels on the TV. _

_ “Do you want to do something?” _

_ “Do you?”  _

_ I sighed and closed my book.  _

_ “I suppose we could go for dinner?”  _

_ “Sure.” You dumped the remote control on the couch and slumped off to the bedroom.  _

And that had been all that was said on the matter. So I booked a table at your favourite restaurant for the night of our anniversary and by some stroke of luck we weren’t away on a case when the day came around.

***

**_You_ **

“Are you going to get dressed?” Spencer found me in the kitchen, sitting on the counter on my second glass of wine.

“I am dressed.” I looked down at my hoodie and leggings. 

“We’re going for dinner. It’s our anniversary.” He didn’t sound sad that I hadn’t remembered. He didn’t sound like he really cared.

“Oh, we’re still doing that?” I exhaled and downed the glass in my hand. 

“I’m not going to force you.” He shrugged. 

“Suppose it might make a change.” I dropped down from the counter. Clearly neither of us had the energy or the will to celebrate. “I need to shower and get ready. Give me an hour.”

I went to head out of the kitchen but Spencer spoke again.

“We need to leave in a half hour.”

I rolled my eyes, knowing he had probably deliberately waited until now to remind me we were going out. 

“Fine.” I grumbled and headed out of the room.

***

Forty five minutes later I stepped out into the living room looking the best I probably had done in months. I’d showered, put on some mascara, eyeliner and lipstick and curled my hair. I’d opted for a floor length wrap around black dress that hugged me in all the right places and would give Spencer a great view of my cleavage. 

Spencer was sitting on the couch with his back to me, impatiently tapping his foot on the floor.

“I said half hour an hour, we’re going to miss our reserv-“ he was cut off as he turned to look at me and his eyes landed on my body. “I uhm…” he swallowed, standing up and coming closer to me. “Wow.”

He was looking me up and down hungrily. To be honest I was probably doing the same to him. He wore black slacks, a white shirt and black tie and suit jacket. He’d tidied his hair and shaved. He looked incredible.

“Wow yourself.” 

He was advancing on me but not the way I had grown accustomed to recently. His movements were slow, steady and not hurried or aggressive. When he reached me, he placed his large hands either side of my face and kissed me. 

The kiss was slow and gentle, nothing like our kisses as of late. I felt a passion burning inside me I hadn’t felt in so long.

“Spence,” I panted into his lips. “I thought we had a reservation.” 

“What would you rather do?” He stroked back my hair. “Dinner or bedroom?”

There was only one answer to that and I gave it to him by kissing him again. He led me to the bedroom soon after and laid me gently on the bed. 

For the first time in months, we made love. He was gentle and loving with me and I felt connected to him for the first time since Emily’s death. 

When we were finished he put his arm around me and kissed my head. I hummed at the sensation. 

“I’d still like to take you out.” He told me softly.

“I’d like that. But I’m sure we missed our reservation.” I looked up at him and kissed him tenderly. 

“I just need to make a call, I’ve got an idea.” He gave me another kiss before he was getting back out of bed to locate his phone. 

***

Thirty minutes and another shower later we left the apartment. Spencer instructed the cab driver of where to take us, somewhere in the city, and settled back into the seat. 

He put his arm around my shoulders, a kind of physical touch we hadn’t shared in a while and it was only now I realised how much I’d missed it. 

We drove for some twenty minutes before the cab pulled over and Spencer paid the driver. We exited it onto the street and Spencer took hold of my hand, again not something he’d done for a long time. 

I still had no idea of where we were going but I just followed him blindly. After a few minutes we came to a stop outside of a building with no discernable lights on inside. 

“Well this doesn’t look open. I hope you have a backup plan Doctor.” I frowned at him but he was smiling. 

“Maybe we should have a look and make sure.” Mischief danced in his eyes as he pushed the door and to my surprise it opened. He held it open and motioned me inside.

My jaw practically hit the floor when I entered. Most of the room was covered in dust sheets and paint cans but there was one lone table in the middle set with cutlery, wine glasses and a candle. 

I looked at Spencer who was still smiling. 

“What is this?” I laughed a little. 

“Rossi’s been telling me about this place for a while. His best friend owns it, although it doesn’t technically open until next week.” He shrugged, placing his hand on my back and leading me over to the table. 

“Rossi pulled some strings and the guy owed him a favour.” Spencer held the chair out for me to sit down and then made his way to his own seat.

“You opened a restaurant for us?” I couldn’t help but smile.

“I’d do anything for you.” 

His words made my heart soar. No matter what happened between us recently we still loved each other. 

The waiter came over and poured me a glass of wine and filled Spencer’s glass with water. Spencer raised his glass.

“Happy anniversary Y/N.” 

I raised my glass and toasted with him.

“Happy anniversary Spence.”

***

**_Spencer_ **

For the first time in the three months since Emily’s death, things felt normal between us.

We ate a beautiful meal and conversed like we used to. We talked about literature and work and it was so nice to feel like I had my relationship back. 

We ate to excess, until we were both so full we could barely move. But I couldn’t stop smiling all evening, and neither could you. 

I paid the check, paying over what he asked as a thank you. I helped you out of your chair and into your jacket. We thanked the owner and waiter before I took your hand and we walked out into the night. 

Without agreeing on us much we went for a walk in a nearby park. The weather was mild and we walked hand in hand while I told you about a book I read recently. 

You listened to every word and asked questions when appropriate. You were always interested in what I was reading. 

“I’m sorry for how things have been recently.” I told you and you pulled me to a stop so you could look at me.

“You’re not the only one to blame Spence. We’ve both been distant since...Emily.” 

“I wasn’t sure we’d make it back from that place Y/N. I thought I was going to lose you.” 

You got up on your tiptoes and slung your arms around my neck. 

“You won’t ever lose me Spencer, I promise.” You kissed me softly. 

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I haven’t told you that in a while.” 

“I love you too Spence.” You kissed me again before we started walking once more. 

We circled the park a few times before we got a cab home. We made love again, taking our time as though it was our first time all over again. 

Afterwards you fell asleep on my chest as I wrapped you in my arms.

And for the first time in three months, it felt as though everything was going to be ok. 

Little did I know the universe had other plans. 

***

**Four Months Later**

The room was still and silent to the point it felt like you were suffocating. Eight bodies sat around the table, not a single one saying a word.

There wasn’t anything anyone could say. The bombshell had been dropped and now Hotch had to wait and see how the team would respond. 

You stared at her across the table not quite sure she was real. How could this be? It didn’t make any sense. You wanted to touch her just to check she was really there but you couldn’t bring yourself to move. 

You and Spencer had been at a coffee shop when you’d gotten the call from Hotch asking everyone to come to the BAU as there was something he needed to discuss with you all.

Seaver had left a few months ago so you’d both assumed it was something to do with her replacement, which you supposed in a way it was. 

But no one had been prepared for who it would be. 

It had been seven months since you’d all sat in that hospital waiting room, waiting for news on Emily. Seven months ago Hotch had delivered the blow that she hadn’t made it off the table. 

Seven months you had felt like you were living in limbo. Your relationship with Spencer had been strained to say the least as you both grieved the loss of your friend in different ways. 

Spencer had been inconsolable for months, you’d been worried it would push him off the wagon on more than a few occasions. 

You dealt with things in your own way. You threw yourself into your work more so than usual. You would often stay late at the office when everyone else had long since left just for some peace. 

You’d return home in the middle of the night to find Spencer curled up in bed staring at the wall, sometimes with silent tears rolling down his cheeks. 

And instead of comforting him, you pretended not to see he was awake and would creep into bed without a word.

The grief could have brought you closer together but it had done the opposite. The distance between you the last seven months had been so vast you weren’t sure you would ever find your way back to each other. 

Things had picked up for a time, after your anniversary things had started to go back to normal but you’d soon fallen back into that old routine of shutting each other out. 

“This is fucked up.” Morgan spoke, the silence coming crashing down around you.

“I appreciate this is a lot to take in.” Hotch agreed. 

“A lot to take in?” Garcia’s eyes were wide and tears cascaded from them. “That’s the understatement of the century.” 

“Reid, Y/N, do you have anything to say?” Hotch directed his attention to the two of you. 

You looked at the side of Spencer’s face, his expression unreadable even to you who knew him better than anyone. 

“Honestly, I don’t know what to say.” You spoke looking back at Hotch. 

“That’s understandable.” JJ’s voice was soft. JJ had rejoined the team a few months ago now as a profiler and it had been so nice to have her back. That was until you knew she’d been keeping this secret. 

“No.” Spencer scoffed. “None of this  _ understandable.”  _ He stood from the table suddenly, sending his chair flying backwards. “I can’t sit here and have a normal conversation about this! You lied to us.” His eyes were filled with tears when he looked between Hotch and JJ. “We trusted you and you lied to us. We’re supposed to have each other’s backs, how can I work with people I don’t trust?” 

“We had to.” Hotch replied.

“No, you didn’t.” Spencer spat back. “I can’t be around you right now. Any of you.” He stormed towards the door, his gangly limbs flying about as he did so making his dramatic exit more comedic than it was meant to be. 

He reached the door when she finally decided to speak up. 

“Spencer,” she stood up, her voice riddled with guilt. 

He spun back around to face her, the anger emanating from his eyes. 

“Be mad at me. Don’t be made at Hotch and JJ.”

“Do you of all people think you have the right to tell me how to  _ feel _ ?” He glared at her across the room. 

You wanted to step in and say something but you knew nothing you could say would calm him down. 

“I’m sorry Spencer.” She offered meekly. 

“Not half as sorry as I am Emily.” He spat and with that he stormed from the room.

***

After much persuading by JJ and Emily you went after your boyfriend as much as you knew he wouldn’t want to talk to you. 

You found him in Garcia’s tech cave, slowly spinning around in her chair, fiddling with a fluffy pen in his hands.

“Go away.” He sighed as he spoke. 

“Well that’s not gonna happen.” You pulled up another chair. “We should be happy Emily isn’t dead.” 

He glared at you like you’d lost your mind.

“Happy she isn’t dead?” He spat. “I carried her casket at her funeral! We buried her! I cried on JJ’s shoulder for  _ ten weeks  _ and she didn’t say anything. Our boss lied to us. And you want me to just be happy she isn’t dead?”

“I didn’t say it would be easy.” You shrugged.

“How are you ok with this? Why aren’t you angry?”

“I am.” You shrugged again. “I don’t know if I’ll ever trust Hotch or JJ again. But Emily’s here. She’s not dead.”

“I almost took dilaudid again.” His voice was quieter now, riddled with sadness. “And if I had-“

“You didn’t though Spencer.” You cut him off. 

“That’s not the point.” He shook his head. “I don’t know if I can forgive them for this. I don’t know that I can just be happy Emily  _ isn’t  _ dead. Everything’s changed.” He pushed himself up from the chair and walked past you to the door. 

You didn’t stop him, you just watched him go. 

He was right, everything had changed. You couldn’t trust two people you called friends. You weren’t sure you’d ever forgive Emily for putting you all through this.

And on top of it all, you weren’t sure yours and Spencer’s relationship would ever recover from what it had been through the past seven months. You were pretty certain this was somehow going to spell the end of your relationship. 

Spencer walking out that door had practically solidified it. 

**_I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you_ **

**_Anywhere, I would’ve followed you._ **

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. The Other Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and the reader find themselves distanced from one another and Spencer seeks solace in a geneticist named Maeve. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part four of the Say Something mini-series flashbacks.   
> CW - Maeve character death, once against lots of angst and a couple of swears. This was a tough one because I do not subscribe to the idea of Spencer being a cheater in anyway shape or form so this was weird for me. Full disclosure - he doesn’t cheat in a physical sense as that is too farfetched but emotionally he needed someone and the reader isn’t there for him. I hope you still like this! Bookend quote from 8.12 Zugzwang. Case details based around 8.10 The Lesson. For the sake of this fic Emily is still part of the team because I forgot she wasn’t in season 8 until after I wrote it and didn’t want to change it so sue me. 

“ _Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” - Lao Tzu_

**2012**

_ How do you tell your partner of five years that you know he’s cheating on you? _

That was one of many thoughts that consumed you as you sat on the couch in the quiet apartment,  _ alone,  _ for the umpteenth Sunday in a row. This time he’d told you he was having breakfast with Garcia and Morgan. A few months ago you might have believed him. 

_ How long had it been?  _ You tried to rack your brain to remember but you weren’t sure. Four months? Five months? Had it been longer than that?

You couldn’t help but try to picture this woman who was only available for Sunday morning dates. Someone who didn’t share their hectic schedule, who worked a nine to five office job. You pictured her to be petite and charming, the kind of woman who wore summer dresses all year round. The kind of woman who wouldn’t look out of place running through a field of daisies whilst cartoon animals did her laundry. 

_ What did they do on Sunday mornings?  _ Your Sunday mornings with Spencer prior to  _ her  _ and when you weren’t working usually consisted of him reading through his stack of small town newspapers from all across the country while you ate breakfast. He’d always tell you the bits he found interesting and some things you would discuss at length. 

You couldn’t imagine  _ she  _ discussed weather patterns in Bar Harbour, Maine or crime statistics in Taos, New Mexico. 

So that begged the question as to what they  _ did. _ Did they go for coffee dates? Did they wander museums while Spencer told her all the facts he’d told you hundreds of times. Did she giggle and touch his arm and tell him how smart he was? Did they go for walks in parks? Did he hold her hand? 

Or did they just spend the whole of their Sunday mornings together in bed, making love and whispering sweet nothings to each other?

You didn’t know how long it had been going on with this other woman, but you did know it had been seven months and twenty one days since the last time you and Spencer were intimate. 

It had been a Friday night, a rare one you hadn’t been working. The whole team had gone for dinner and drinks and when you’d got home you’d made love. 

It was  _ nice _ . Perfunctory. Nothing to write home about. You’d had a few drinks and you always got a little frisky when you drank. It had scratched an itch, but that was about it. And maybe you hadn’t been intimate since because he’d met  _ her  _ and he was having his itches taken care of elsewhere. 

_ Did anyone else know?  _ Surely he wouldn’t have confided in Emily or Garcia because they would have told you. Surely even Morgan or JJ would have told you something like that and he would never tell Hotch or Rossi something so delicate. But Blake? Maybe. She and Spencer had known each other before she joined the BAU and they had gotten close, you think she saw him as a surrogate son. Maybe Blake knew. 

_ Had things really been so bad between the two of you that he’d sought solace in the arms of another woman?  _ Honestly, you still weren’t sure how the two of you had made your relationship work after Emily. It had been arduous to say the least. Some days you wondered if breaking up would be easier than trying to fix things between you. 

But eventually, your love for one another triumphed and you’d decided you would make it work. And until recently things had been better than ever between you. That was until around the time seven months ago when Spencer had brought up your future.

He’d started saying things like  _ when  _ you get married. Not  _ if.  _ He started talking about the two of you getting a bigger place, maybe a house in Arlington or Waverly Hills. Something bigger for when you had kids.  _ Kids,  _ plural _.  _ And after five years that kind of talk shouldn’t freak you out the way it had done.

Maybe that was why he’d found someone else. You’d been distant since to the say the least. You loved Spencer and you did want to spend the rest of your life with him but if truth be told you’d never really given a thought to marriage and kids before. 

Marriage maybe, but kids? You loved your job and could never imagine being a stay at home mom. Sure Hotch managed to juggle his job and parenthood and so did JJ, but they had someone at home. If you and Spencer had a kid, surely one of you would have to give up working at the BAU? 

So maybe that was why Spencer had replaced you. 

_ So how do you tell your partner of five years that you know he’s cheating on you? _

Just then your phone rang, snapping you out of your vicious cycle of thoughts. You picked up the device knowing it wouldn’t be Spencer and you were right.

“Hey Pen,” you tried not to sigh as you spoke. “I guess we have a case?”

“That we do I’m afraid Y/N, sorry to ruin your Sunday.”

“ _ You _ didn’t ruin it.” You didn’t mean to sound so pathetic when you said that. “I guess Spencer already knows so I’ll see you soon.” 

“Why would Spencer know?” She asked before you had a chance to hang up. “I figured he was home with you on a Sunday morning.” 

And in that, Garcia confirmed your suspicions without her realising it. You knew he wasn’t at breakfast with her and Morgan and now you had solid proof.

“I must have gotten my wires crossed. I thought he said he was having breakfast with you this morning but maybe he said Blake. I’ll text him, don't worry.” You lied and you hoped Garcia didn’t sense it.

“Ok.” She sounded like she might say more on the subject but she didn’t. “See you soon.”

“Bye.” You hung up the phone suddenly feeling sick. You’d hoped it was all in your head but now you knew he’d lied to you. And why would he lie to you if he wasn’t cheating?

You fired off a quick text to him letting him know about the case before you got changed and grabbed your go-bag. You decided to drive instead of getting the metro because you weren’t sure you could trust yourself not to break down into tears on your commute.

You had to compose yourself so you didn’t scream at Spencer when you saw him. You needed to try and act normal, work was not the place to tell him you knew of his affair. But you knew as soon as you saw him, holding back would be the last thing on your mind.

***

“Get ready for a leap in humidity crime fighters, as you are going to hot and heavy Arizona.” Garcia clicked her remote. “Two men have been found dead, their bodies stuffed in boxes that appear to resemble coffins. They both had their hair dyed black - go figure - and their joints had been dislocated as you can see on your tablets as I would rather not have that kind of nasty assault my perfect peepers.” 

Everyone looked down at the images on their tablets except for you. Your eyes were fixed on Spencer across the table. 

He looked composed, together like he always did. He didn’t look like he’d just been having crazy adulterous sex. But maybe he was hiding it well.

The rest of Garcia’s words flew over your head and the next thing you knew Hotch was announcing  _ “wheels up twenty.” _

Everyone started filtering out of the room one by one until it was just you and Spencer left. He came over to you and gave you a small peck on the lips. He tasted like coffee and nothing more. If he had been kissing another woman he had at least rid her from his lips.

“How was your morning?” He asked you with a small smile.

“Fine.” You replied. “How was breakfast?”

“It was nice.” He turned back to the table and collected his files.

“Who were you with again?”

He turned back to you now with an arm full of files.

“Morgan and Garcia.” 

He was too good at lying. You almost believed him.

“Oh ok.” You watched Spencer head to the door and you desperately tried to keep your words from your lips but it was no use.

As he reached the door, they came flying out before you could stop them.

“It’s just that,” you started and Spencer turned back to look at you. “When Garcia called about the case, she said she wasn’t with you.” You gave him a small shrug.

You saw his composure waver for a second, the guilt in his eyes only noticeable for a split second.

But you didn’t want to stay and listen to his excuses so before he had a chance to lie to you again you rushed past him out of the room. 

*******

It had started as innocent phone calls. She was a geneticist, it was professional; she was simply helping him make sense of his brain scans. 

He knew when he started having the headaches he should have told you right away. You were his partner, the love of his life but he didn’t want to put this on you. You were always trying to fix each other in one way or another and for a while now things had been good between you. Well good adjacent. He didn’t want to upset the balance.

So he sought outside help. But it hadn’t taken long for the conversations with Maeve to become less professional and more of a personal nature. 

Spencer enjoyed his Sunday talks with Maeve. He felt at ease when he spoke with her, she didn’t judge him and she didn’t baby him the way his team tended to. And she didn’t feel his pain the way you did. You took his pain on as your own the way he did with yours. He didn’t want to burden you with this, at least that’s what he kept telling himself.

It wasn’t deliberate that he evaded conversations about you. He told himself he didn’t purposefully hide you from Maeve, it just never came up. But he knew that wasn’t strictly true. He’d told Maeve about the whole team, even Alex who had only been with the BAU for a few months. He’d told her about you too, but maybe he spoke about you as more of just another team member than his partner. Not as though you were the woman he lived with, shared his life with; the woman he’d be thinking more and more recently about making his wife. He’d brought a ring a while ago, but there always seemed to be an obstacle that stood in his way. Or maybe it was just a perceived obstacle. 

He’d made up all manner of lies about where he went on Sunday mornings. Sometimes he was having breakfast with Derek or even Garcia. Sometimes he was discussing literature and doing crosswords with Alex. A couple of times he’d even babysat Henry. You’d believed them at first but over time he was starting to see the look of disbelief in your eyes as he left the apartment for another Sunday morning.

You never confronted him. You knew he was lying to you but you had found in your fragile relationship sometimes it was easier to look the other way. But weeks rolled into months and even when Spencer was there he wasn’t really  _ there _ anymore. His mind was elsewhere and you thought, no you knew, he was cheating. 

Maeve had a stalker and as such he was only able to talk to her once a week, on a Sunday and from a pay phone. Maybe that’s how Spencer allowed himself to believe he hadn’t done anything wrong, because he’d never met her. But it seemed recently her stalked had gone underground.

And now she wanted to meet.

He’d been reluctant but he’d agreed to meet her for dinner when they arrived back from this case. He made a promise to himself that he was going to tell her about you. He was going to meet her and he was going to tell her that they could be friends, but he was already taken. 

This was such a new and bizarre experience for Spencer. Until he’d met you he’d barely had experience with one woman being interested in him let alone two. Spencer Reid was not a two woman kind of man. So how had he become one? 

How had he found himself in love with two women? 

***

The murders appeared to be ritualistic, due to the nature of the dislocations. The autopsies on the first two victims revealed the men had died from hanging, but it looked as though they had been hung multiple times.

A third victim showed up the same as the first two with one difference in the MO. The third victim had holes drilled into his palms as though he had been crucified which strengthened their belief in a religious ritual.

The case went on for a few days with little leads. It wasn’t until a father and son were reported missing that the cogs in Spencer’s head started turning towards a new theory.

“I think the unsub is trying to create human marionettes.” The whole room went silent as Spencer’s morbid idea sunk in.

“Well that’s a sturdy ten on the creep-o-meter.” Garcia’s voice came down the phone. 

“I can see that.” Blake agreed. “The holes in the hands, the dislocation. He’s trying to turn the victims into  _ specific _ marionettes.”

“The Greeks translated “puppets” as “neurospasta” which literally means  _ string-pulling _ . And throughout time they’ve been used as a method to tell kings a story so the subjects didn’t have to speak directly to him.” Spencer spoke proudly.

“It was a way to hear the truth.” Rossi added.

“It seems like the unsubs doing something similar, using his puppets to tell  _ his  _ story.” Hotch agreed. “It’s time to deliver the profile.”

***

Adam Rain was an incredibly delusional man in his late forties. As with the majority of the unsubs they dealt with, he had a traumatic childhood. At some point he had suffered a psychotic break that had led him to abduct, torture and kill his victims for his own sick fantasy. It was likely he’d never see the inside of a prison cell, it was far more likely he would plead insanity and be placed in a mental facility. 

But you supposed either way, he couldn’t kill again. 

Spencer was especially quiet on the jet home, barely even making eye contact with you. He had his book open in front of him but he’d been on the same page for the last twenty minutes.

“I was thinking maybe we could get Thai for dinner? I heard a new place opened up a few blocks from us and I’ve got a hankering for some dim sum.” You finally spoke. 

Spencer looked up at you in surprise as though he hadn’t realised you were sat opposite him. It took him several seconds to process your words. 

“Uh...I can’t tonight.” 

“Why, you got other plans?” You joked.

“Yes.” He replied, making you frown heavily.

“With who?” You folded your arms. No, there was no way he was seeing  _ her  _ tonight. It wasn’t Sunday. You’d had a tough case. You needed him home.

“An old friend from school. He’s in DC for a few days.”

“I thought you didn’t have any friends in school.”

“Well he was an acquaintance I suppose. He’s in DC and he looked me up. He wants some advice on applying to the FBI.” 

It scared you how good Spencer was at lying because if you didn’t know any better, you would have believed him. 

You wanted to scream at him,  _ you’re cheating on me and lying right to my face about it,  _ but it wasn’t the time or place. 

You felt sick and in that moment you couldn’t bear to be around him. 

You pushed yourself up from the chair with a brief huff of “ _ fine,”  _ in Spencer’s direction before heading to the back of the plane where you found Emily.

“Hey Y/N, everything ok?” She asked you as you slumped into the seat opposite her. 

“Not really.” You admitted. “I don’t suppose you’d be up for a girls night tonight? You, me, JJ, Garcia. We could even invite Blake.” 

“That would be great.” The older woman smiled brightly at you. 

“Awesome. I’ll text Pen.” You pulled your phone from your pocket and fired off a quick message to the tech goddess. Seconds later she replied with an “ _ OMGEE YES”  _ and several emojis you didn’t really understand. 

“Penelope’s in.” You turned your phone to show Emily making her laugh. 

“I feel like dancing, shall we say O’Flannery’s at nine?” Emily questioned.

“Perfect.” You nodded.

You closed your eyes hoping to get half an hour of sleep before the jet landed. But sleep wouldn’t come. Because all you could think about was what Spencer was going to be up to tonight with his bimbo.

***

Spencer didn’t come home with you, saying he was meeting his friend in the city and he would go straight from the office. You didn’t argue with him, in fact you barely spoke to him. 

At home you tried to focus your attention on getting ready for girls night. JJ had been excited for the invite and even Blake had agreed to attend. 

You were determined to look your best tonight, maybe even post some photos on social media of you looking hot as hell and having the best time of your life  _ without _ Spencer. You knew he didn’t have any social media applications but you were sure Morgan or Garcia would show him. 

You dressed in your best jeans, the pair that hugged your backside and hips gloriously and made you legs look ten feet long. You paired them with a short sleeved, sheer blouse with a plunging neckline that would show off your assets. You added heeled boots, a leather jacket and gold drop earrings that hung to your shoulders. You tied your hair up in an intentionally messy bun and kept a couple of strands down to frame your face. 

You spent longer than usual on your make-up, adding a sexy swoop of eyeliner and a dark red lip. 

Before you left the house you took a selfie in the bathroom mirror, ensuring to get a good shot of your cleavage. You went to post it on social media but then you had a better idea. 

You brought up a text conversation with Spencer and sent the photo with the message “ _ just leaving home, feeling good tonight.”  _

You counted to fifty in your head slowly before typing out a follow up message.

“ _ Whoops meant to send that to Em, sorry. Have a good time with your friend.”  _

You knew it was petty. More than petty, it was  _ pathetic.  _ But you’d thought maybe, if you reminded Spencer of what was waiting for him at home he would come back to you. 

But you wouldn’t get a response to the message. Not even an acknowledgment. And maybe that’s when you knew you’d lost him.

***

Spencer arrived at the restaurant early, he was always early. He hated it when people were late, it was such a pet peeve of his so he was  _ always _ on time, sometimes annoyingly so. 

He heard his phone go off so he pulled it from his pocket thinking it would be her but it wasn’t. It was you. 

The photo wasn’t best viewed on his ancient device but he saw what he needed to. You were dolled up more so than he’d seen you in months with a bright smile on your face. But the way so much of your chest was exposed made his blood boil. 

He read the message that accompanied it, assuming it hadn’t been meant for him. The second text came in moments later confirming that. He was about to call you, to ask you what the hell you were playing at when he heard his name.

“Spencer?” 

He averted his gaze from the phone up to the woman standing shyly next to his table.

He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat at the sight of her. 

“Yes. Spencer. I’m Spencer.” He stuttered a little.

She smiled brightly at him and held her hand out for him to shake.

“Maeve. It’s so nice to  _ finally  _ meet you.” 

***

You were knocking your drinks back like there was no tomorrow. It was the only thing that would help take your mind off what Spencer was up to. 

All the others were worried about you, they could all tell something was bothering you. But it wasn’t until they caught you dancing with a strange man, your arms around his neck and his on your hips that they decided to intervene.

“Ok, I think that’s enough.” Garcia came up and grabbed your hand. “She’s taken mister, find someone else to pester.” She told the stranger sternly before she started dragging you back to your table.

“I was just having some fun Penelope.” You whined drunkenly.

“I don’t think Reid would see it that way.” She scalded you as you took your seats with the others.

“I don’t think  _ Reid  _ would give a shit.” You grumbled, folding your arms.

“What is going on? Have I missed something?” Blake spoke up. “You and Spencer are still together aren’t you?”

“I’m not even sure anymore.” Without warning tears unleashed from your eyes and started rolling heavily down your cheeks. “I think...I think he’s...he’s…cheating on me.” You sobbed. 

Emily who was next to you put her arm around your shoulders.

“Spencer?” JJ frowned. “No, no way. He isn’t that kind of man.” 

“He has been odd lately. I mean odder than usual.” Garcia mused. “But JJ’s right he wouldn’t do that to you. There has to be some other explanation.”

“When was the last time any of you hung out with him on a Sunday morning outside of work?” You posed your question to the group. The looks of confusion on all their faces gave you your answer. 

“I’m not sure.” JJ answered. 

“Every Sunday morning for the last few months he’s left the apartment for a few hours. What else could he be doing? And I’m pretty sure he’s with her tonight.”

“That doesn’t make sense.” Emily shook her head. “Spencer loves you. And putting that aside, like JJ said, he isn’t that kind of guy. It isn’t in his nature to cheat.” 

“That’s what I thought.” You were still crying, you couldn’t seem to stop. “But I just can’t think of any other explanation.” 

“Have you tried asking him about it?” Blake asked now, ever the pragmatist. 

If only it were that simple.

You chewed your lip and shook your head sadly.

“I’m scared of what the answer might be.” You confessed. “If he really is cheating and I confront him then our relationship will be over. I know we have our issues, sometimes even I think we’d be better off apart. But god I just love him so damn much and the thought of losing him kills me.” 

Emily gave your shoulders a squeeze. 

“You have to talk to him sweetie.” She cooed at you. “Otherwise you’ll always wonder.”

“Schrodinger's relationship.” Blake offered. “You need to open the box Y/N.” 

You nodded with a sigh, knowing they were right. But it would destroy you to find out Spencer was cheating. Maybe Schrodinger would have been best off leaving the cat in the box than confronting the truth.

But this was Spencer, surely there had to be a logical explanation? Spencer couldn’t possibly be cheating on you, could he? It seemed like an impossible eventuality. But how else could you explain this?

***

“I had a really nice time tonight.” Maeve smiled sweetly at Spencer as they walked down the street after dinner.

“Me too.” Spencer was on edge, he had been all night. 

His plan had been to tell Maeve about you the second the formalities were out the way. He wanted to tell her before she’d committed to ordering so she could feel free to leave once he told her he had a long term girlfriend. 

But conversation had flowed too easily with her, like it always did on the phone so when the waiter came to take their order Spencer momentarily forgot about his plan and then they’d ordered and he hadn’t wanted to tell her over dinner.

They talked openly and freely much like they did on their weekly phone calls. But it was so much better. Spencer loved getting to watch the way Maeve’s features moved as she talked, all her little quirks he had never seen before. 

He loved seeing the way her eyes lit up when she spoke about her work or a book she loved. He loved seeing the small dimples on her cheeks when he said that something that made her smile. He loved the way she would play with a stand of hair when she was thinking.

_ I am so fucked,  _ Spencer found himself thinking. 

Dinner with Maeve came with all the excitement of being on a first date with the terror that he shouldn’t be considering this a date at all. 

By the time he paid the check he was feeling like he might throw up if he didn’t say something soon.

“Maeve.” He said her name, causing her to stop walking and look at him.

“Yes Spencer?” Her smile was always so soft and calming. 

Spencer took a few deep breaths, knowing he was going to have to just do it, like ripping off a bandaid.  _ Quick and painless. _

_ “ _ There’s something I need to talk to you about. I uhm...I should have brought it up before but it never seemed appropriate but I need you to know that-“ he was cut off by his phone ringing in his pocket. He pulled it out, seeing Blake’s number on the screen. 

“Sorry, I need to take this. Just give me one second.” He told Maeve before he accepted the call and placed the device to his ear. “Hi Alex.”

“Y/N thinks you're cheating on her.” Her words flew out so suddenly like an assault on Spencer’s ears. “I know I don’t know you very well but there’s no way you would do something like that, is there?” There was a hint of doubt to her voice.

“Uhm…” Spencer stuttered. He had been taken off guard and had no idea what to say. 

“She spent all night crying to us about how she thinks you’re seeing another woman and I know that just can’t be true. But if it is…” she paused to sighed. “Please tell me isn’t Spencer. Please tell Y/N it isn’t true.” 

Her words hit him like a freight train. That’s what he was doing, wasn’t it? He was  _ cheating _ on you. And you’d told your suspicions to the girls and he couldn’t blame you.

He looked back at Maeve who smiled and gave him a small wave. He turned away from her, chewing his lip guilty.

“Uhm...I need to go home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow Alex.”

“Spencer-“

“Bye.” He wasn’t going to stand here with Maeve a few feet away and discuss this. He pocketed his phone and came back to her side.

“Sorry Maeve, I’ve got to get home. I’ve had a nice time though.”

“Is everything ok?” She looked concerned by his sudden change in demeanour. “You said you before you wanted to talk to me about something?”

“It’ll have to wait. I’m sorry. I’ll call you though.” He gave her a lame hug and she kissed him softly on the cheek which caused butterflies to swarm in his stomach which he tried to ignore. 

“I’ll speak to you soon Spencer.” Despite his sudden shift, she was still sweet with him. 

God he was in way over his head.

“Good night Maeve.” He gave her one last smile before he started jogging down the street in search of a cab.

It was time to face the music. He had to go home and he had to be honest with you. He had to tell you about Maeve. 

***

It was late by the time he got home and all the lights were off in the apartment. He crept inside quietly but it didn’t take him long to find you. 

You were passed out on the couch, fully dressed, even your shoes were still on. You looked at peace when you slept and he knew now the things that plagued you when you were awake were his fault. 

He’d spent months trying to tell himself what was going on with Maeve was harmless but he’d known deep down that wasn’t true. In reality he was hurting you both. 

How had he become this man? His mother raised him better than this. He didn’t deserve you. 

He crouched down next to the couch and stroked your hair off your face. He hated to admit it, but sometimes he forgot how beautiful you were. Maybe he didn’t spend enough time taking you in anymore. Maybe he’d gotten complacent in your relationship and taken it for granted. But as he watched you sleep now, he remembered all the reasons he fell in love with you in the first place. 

The first thing that struck him was that smile. The first time you’d met you’d given him  _ that _ smile and he felt like his whole world lit up in an instant just from that smile. 

Your passion for learning and your interest in all his facts and statistics had warmed his heart. You were the only member of the team who treated him like he was just a normal guy and not a child genius. 

Your compassion for the people around you, be it your team members or victims family members was what had pushed him into the deep end. You cared so profoundly for every one you met and Spencer adored that about you.

He adored  _ everything  _ about you. How had he let this happen? How had he fallen for Maeve when he had you?

You stirred a little, your eyes fluttering.

“Spencer?” You croaked, stifling a yawn. 

“Yeah it’s me Y/N. Go back to sleep.” Now wasn’t the time. In the morning you would talk, but for now he wanted you to have a moment's peace. 

He slipped his arms under you and scooped you up, carrying you to the bedroom. He took off your shoes and freed you from your pants and shirt before draping the covers over you. 

He undressed and slid in next to you. You were already sound asleep. 

He spent hours watching you sleep that night, knowing in the morning you would have a conversation that would surely end your relationship. So he wanted to revel in you one last time.

***

The next morning Spencer woke early, the anticipation of the day ahead ruining his sleep. 

He spent the morning pacing the apartment thinking of what exactly he would say to you. How would he explain this? Was there any eventuality where you didn’t leave him?

Around nine his cell phone rang. He didn’t recognise the number on the display so he frowned when he answered it.

“Hello?” 

“I have a collect call from Adam Worth for Doctor Joseph Bell. Press zero to accept.”

His heart hammered. Doctor Joseph Bell was how Maeve referred to him in her letters she used to write. 

Frantically he pressed zero before putting the device back to his ear.

“Hello? Maeve? Hello are you there?”

There was a long silence followed by a computerised voice.

“Zugzwang.” 

His frown deepened, his heart racing. 

“Excuse me? Can you repeat that?”

“Zugzwang.” The computerised voice sounded again and then the line went dead.

Spencer retched a few times, feeling like he might be sick. His brain was whirring. Maeve’s stalker had her. 

“Spence?” 

He spun around to see you standing in the doorway of the bedroom. 

“Spence? Is everything ok?”

Worlds were colliding. You were going to find about Maeve now for sure. There was no way around it.

“Get dressed.” He sniffed. “We need to go to work.”

***

“Are you sure she’s missing?” Hotch asked after Spencer had told the team about the situation.

“Yes. We always addressed our letters to our pseudonyms.” 

_ Letters,  _ they had written each other letters? You felt sick and heartbroken all at once listening to Spencer recount the last six months of communications with this woman named Maeve.

“And your Doctor Joseph Bell?” Hotch clarified.

“Yes.” Spencer nodded sadly. “The real life inspiration for Sherlock Holmes. And that code name is how I know she’s in trouble. The voice on the phone identified themself as Adam Worth. That was the American criminal that Arthur Conan Doyle based the character of Moriarty on.”

“And what did they say to you?” Hotch asked now.

“Zugzwang.” Spencer chewed his lip, sniffing back tears. “It’s a chess term. It describes the point in a game when a player realises he’ll inevitably be checkmated. He has to decide whether to resign or play through to the bitter end.”

“If you’re right about this, then you’re part of their victimology too.” Blake spoke up to which Spencer nodded.

“I know. They think they’ll get away with this, and they might. I have a wealth of knowledge I should be applying to this case. Behavioural patterns of violent stalkers, tactical recover strategies, victim survival odds. But right now I can’t focus on anything for more than four seconds at a time, which makes me the dumbest person in the room. Please help me. Help me find her.” 

This was all too much for you to take in. Spencer  _ had  _ been seeing another woman. And now she’d been taken by a stalker and you were expected to help find her? 

“Just to be clear,” Hotch’s voice snapped you back into the room. “We don’t know if we have a case. So we’re going to work this on our own time. If anyone has a problem with that, let me know now.” 

And just like that, all eyes in the room were on you. You looked at Spencer. He looked so sad and you wanted to help him. But how could you? How could he expect you to?

“I’m sorry,” you stood up from your chair. “I can’t do this. I can’t be a part of this.” Tears stung your eyes. “I hope you find her, I do. But I can’t help you.” 

Before the tears could fall you spun on your heels and fled the room. 

Only once you were in the elevator with the doors closed behind you, did you let your tears fall. 

  
  


You’d spent months trying to convince yourself it couldn’t be true. Spencer  _ would not  _ do that to you. 

Her name was Maeve and they wrote each other letters and they went on adorable Sunday morning dates. When he opened his eyes in the morning to see you lying next to him, did he wish you were her? When he kissed you, did he imagine her face kissing him back? 

Back at your apartment, you suddenly felt as though you didn’t belong there. Had your whole relationship been a lie? You felt like a stranger within these walls now, like you didn’t know the man you shared your home with at all. 

You couldn’t fathom the energy to do anything but curl up on top of the bedsheets. Your tears didn’t seem as though they would ever stop. 

Was this your fault? Surely it must be. Spencer categorically  _ wasn’t  _ a cheater, he was the best man you’d ever met so if he’d been pushed to something like that, you must be to blame. You must have pushed him to it because there was no way he would have done this on his own.

But it still didn’t make any sense. Logically none of it made sense. Spencer was the last person you ever expected this from. Maybe there was something you were missing? Maybe there was still somehow an explanation? 

You had a lot of time to think it all over as Spencer didn’t return to the apartment until after midnight. 

You heard the front door creek open and close behind him. You heard him pad across the living room and flop to the couch. 

He was crying. You could hear him sniffing and his haggard breathing. You didn’t think you had the strength for this right now. If he was crying because of  _ her  _ how were you supposed to comfort him? 

But despite it all, you loved him. You loved him more than anything else in the world. He was your sun and your moon and all the stars in the sky. In your eyes the earth practically revolved around him.

You forced yourself off the bed and slowly crept into the living room. He was sitting with his head in his hands, sobbing heavily. It felt like your heart shattered in that moment for so many different reasons.

Nothing was ever going to be the same again between you and you knew it. But right now you had to push every aside and try and be there for him. 

He didn’t seem like he even noticed you move across the room and sit next to him. It wasn’t until you placed your hand cautiously on his shoulder that he looked up at you. 

“Spencer?” You whispered. His eyes were  _ so  _ sad, broken even. 

The first words out his mouth hit you like a ton of bricks. They awoke a whirlwind of emotions within you, a tornado of feelings all fighting with one another.

“She’s dead.” He croaked. “I watched her die.” 

What the hell could you say to that? His lover was dead, and you couldn’t pretend you weren’t a little relieved. But you had to try to not show the relief in your features.

On the one hand you wanted to be happy because she was out of the picture. She was gone. He was yours again. But on the other hand it was clearly killing Spencer and whatever had happened you still loved him. You never wanted him to be in pain.

“Oh god.” You chewed your lip. “I uhm...what happened?” 

“Her stalker, Diane, got to her. I tried to talk her down but she was relentless. She shot herself and Maeve at the same time. One bullet. Two lives. It was over in an instant.” He was telling you the story as though it was just another case. But his sadness manifested in his eyes.

“Oh.” You didn’t know what to say. What did he expect you to say?  _ Were you sleeping with her? Were you going to leave me for her? Did you love her? _

“Hmm.” He shrugged, sitting back on the couch. “I know I owe you an explanation. But I can’t right now. I hope you can understand that.”

“Ok.” If your eyes weren’t dry from your earlier crying you would have broken down again. “I think...I think maybe I shouldn’t be here.” 

He frowned at you.

“Why?” 

Did he really need you to explain why you couldn’t be here right now?

“I don’t know that I can deal with this Spencer. I think I should stay with Emily for a few days.” 

“Oh.” He chewed his lip. “Yes of course. I can’t ask you to stay with me now. It’s too selfish of me.”

God you needed to leave but the pain that spread across his features rooted you to the spot.

“Do you want me to stay?” 

He sniffed, nodding sadly.

“I don’t want to be alone.” His bottom lip quivered. “But I can’t ask you to stay with me. It’s not fair.”

“Sometimes life isn’t.” You shrugged. “But if you want me here, I’ll stay.” 

“Really?” His eyes were wide like a small child asking for a cookie.

“Really.” You sighed. 

Spencer fell into your arms after that and sobbed on your shoulder. You held him and tried to push passed the fact he was crying over the death of another woman. 

***

Hotch gave Spencer time off but you insisted on going back to work the next day. You couldn’t be home with Spencer moping around over her. 

The case was taking them to San Francisco, at least it was taking most of them. Hotch had told you to work the case from the field office so you go home to Spencer at night. You wanted to argue but you knew in spite of who he was grieving over, you should be there for him.

You worked the next few cases from the field office as per Hotch’s request. You worked later than necessary most nights in the hopes Spencer would be asleep when you got home but he never was. You weren’t sure he was sleeping at all anymore.

You knew you had to talk about this sooner rather than later. The conversation was inevitable, like a ticking time bomb. But every time you wanted to bring it up you refrained as you didn’t want to upset Spencer further. 

He’d taken to sleeping on the couch a lot and conversation between the two of you was usually confined to good mornings, good nights and the offering of coffee. 

It took Spencer just over a month before he returned to the BAU and you were finally able to go back in the field. Since Maeve’s death your relationship had been frozen in time, stuck in some sort of twisted limbo. You were neither together or broken up. You simply were. 

You’d just returned from a case in Detroit and although the pain was still in his eyes, Spencer seemed to be slowly getting back to his old self. 

Her death had almost destroyed him but you didn’t care that she was gone. You wished you did because you weren’t a malicious person but you couldn’t muster the empathy. You didn’t care that her death shattered your boyfriend. You were glad she was gone. You were glad because you fooled yourself into thinking with her gone, Spencer would be here again, present in your relationship once more. 

But of course he wasn’t. You’d been foolish to think otherwise.

That night you were cooking dinner together, and you couldn’t take it anymore. The normality of the situation was what pushed you over the edge. How could you both act so normal when there were so many things bubbling below the surface. 

_ “ _ Were you in love with her?” you spat, anger boiling inside you and spilling out in your words. The rage had been burning just below the surface for months and it finally found its way out. “Were you?”

Spencer didn’t speak. He couldn’t speak. He knew the conversation would come up eventually but he hadn’t expected it to be now. You’d thrown him through a loop and maybe that had been your plan. 

_ Was he in love with her?  _ He only had one answer for you and in return you only wanted one answer. But he knew those answers were not one in the same.

_ “ _ Spencer!” you yelled, your voice haggard as you threw down the oven gloves you’d been wearing. “Did you love her?”

He sighed, running his fingers through his unruly hair. But no words left his lips.

_ “ _ Fuck, Spencer, say something!” your voice was louder now, the anger turning into bile. “You loved her didn’t you? You were falling in love with another woman and I was none the wiser. What did I do to push you into her arms?”

It wasn’t a question of what you had done, more what you hadn’t. The space between the two of you had felt magnanimous for months now. He wouldn’t go as far to say you had pushed him into her arms but maybe if he’d felt he could talk to you he wouldn’t have turned to Maeve.

“Spencer!” you shouted again, snapping him back from his thoughts. “Say something, for the love of god say something!”

But he didn’t. Because nothing he could say would make you feel better and he didn’t want to add to your pain. Ironic given that in saying nothing, he was only adding to his own.

He just stared at you blankly, no words would make this better so he thought it best to stay quiet. He knew he owed you an explanation but he couldn’t for the life of him think of one.

“There were letters.” You suddenly remembered and before Spencer could take in your words you were storming passed him. “Where are they?” 

He followed you through the apartment. You started pulling open drawers and cupboards and emptying their contents on the floor. 

You pulled books from the shelf and tipped them up to shake free any contents that might be inside. 

You threw couch cushions on the floor, digging behind them but still coming up empty. 

He watched you go to the bedroom and followed close behind you.

“Y/N,” he finally spoke. “Please stop this.”

You’d already trashed one room, you were committed to this.

“Tell me where they are then!” You were frantic, possessed almost. How had you forgotten about the existence of those letters?

You threw open the closet and started tossing clothes aside.

Spencer sighed.

“Bedside drawer.” He resigned to his fate. 

You abandoned your search of the closet and sprinted to his side of the bed, throwing open the top drawer. 

A stack of torn envelopes sat inside and for a moment you just stared at them. 

There were at least three dozen letters. Carefully you took them out of the drawer and held them in your hands.

They were all addressed to  _ Dr Joseph Bell,  _ the pseudonym and your address written delicately in looping handwriting. You ran your fingers over one of the envelopes suddenly not wanting to know the words that were hidden inside.

You hadn’t realised you were crying until Spencer sat on the bed next to you. 

“I’m so sorry.” He sniffed, clearly on the verge of his own tears. “It’s not as bad as you think. I only ever met her once. We went for dinner. We shared one hug. That was it. That was the extent of it.”

You looked at him with large, watery eyes.

“Where did you go every Sunday?”

“Various pay phones. We could only talk on the phone due to her stalker. It was innocent. She was a geneticist and she was analysing my brain scans.” He paused realising he hadn’t told you about any of this. “About eight months ago I started getting intense headaches. I was scared it was a sign that I might inherit my mothers disease. I saw so many doctors and they all kept telling me I was fine. But I didn’t feel fine. So I reached out to Maeve.”

You chewed your lip, giving him a small nod telling him to continue. 

“I’m still not sure why I didn’t tell you. I was scared I guess. Sometimes I worry our relationship is too fragile to handle these kinds of things.” 

You couldn’t even argue with that, you knew he had a point. 

“It started as professional. She was helping me. But over time it to became more friendly, we talked about everything.”

“Did she know about me?” You asked him, although you weren’t sure you wanted to know the answer. 

“Yes but she didn’t know we were together.” A few tears escaped his eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

“Spencer, I need to know.” You looked to the letters in your hands and then back at him. “Did you love her?” 

“Yes.” He sobbed, his tears now coming thick and fast. “Yes I think I did. And that makes me the worst person in the world.” 

“Somehow you being in love with her is worse than you being physical with her.” You picked up the letters.

“I know. But it doesn’t change my feelings for you Y/N. I never loved you any less.”

You laughed dryly, because it didn’t matter, did it? You went to put the letters back in the drawer, deciding you didn’t have the strength to read what they contained. But before you laid them inside something else caught your eye.

You pulled the red velvet ring box out of the drawer and without hesitation you snapped it open. 

Staring back at you was a beautiful antique engagement ring.

“Was this for her?” You choked feeling by as though you might throw up. 

Spencer's eyes went wide and he started shaking his head frantically.

“What? No! Of course not!” He insisted. “It was...for you. I’ve had it a really long time. I was going to ask you, but it never seemed like the right time. I guess I thought you’d say no because whenever I bring up our future you kind of just shake it off.”

“You thought I’d say no?” You felt your air leave your lungs.

“Wouldn’t you have? Would you marry me?”

You chewed your lip, looking down at the ring.

“Are you asking me?” You sniffed.

“I don’t know.” Spencer spoke truthfully.

“Then I don’t know what I would say.” You snapped the box closed again, the sound causing Spencer to jump a little. You put it back in the drawer with the letters and closed it.

“Y/N,” he took hold of your hand. It was shaking. “What happens now? Are we going to get through this?”

You sighed and sniffed back your tears.

“I honestly don’t know if I can get passed the fact that you fell in love with another woman. Do you know how much that hurts Spencer?”

“I can’t imagine.” He shook his head. “It wasn’t intentional. If I could take it back I would.”

“I know Spence,” you squeezed his hand. “You aren’t a bad person. We can’t help who we fall in love with. I wish I could be mad at you but honestly I’m just...heartbroken.”

“I know.” He sobbed again. “I know. And I’m so, so sorry.”

“I know you are. I think I need some time, Spence. Alone. I need time to process everything and figure out if I can get passed this. Because right now, I’m not sure if I will ever trust you again.” You let go of his hand and stood up from the bed.

You headed to the closet and located your duffel bag. You’d already started putting clothes inside when Spencer spoke again. 

“Where will you go?” He whispered, his voice fractured. 

“I’m hoping Emily will let me stay with her a while.”

“I’m sure she will.” Spencer watched you packed. You had no idea how long you’d be gone for. 

You were both silent as you got ready to leave the apartment. It felt final for some reason, as though you were never coming back.

Maybe you wouldn’t. Maybe this really was the end of the road for you and Spencer.

You’d had five years together, albeit not always great ones. You’d overcome things you never thought you would, you’d travelled through the darkness with one another on more than one occasion.

So maybe this would be the end of your road. You’d had a good run, but you weren’t sure your heart could take anymore. You didn’t think you were able to bounce back anymore. 

Before you left the apartment Spencer wrapped you tightly in his arms, both knowing it could be the last chance he got. 

“I’ll be here.” He whispered into your hair. “I’ll wait for you for as long as you need. I feel like I’ve loved you for a thousand years Y/N. And I know I’ll love you for a thousand more.”

One final tear rolled down your cheek as you leant on Spencer’s chest. Love had been enough for the last five years but you weren’t sure it was anymore. 

Love alone couldn't keep you together this time. You just hoped one day you’d wake up and find you’d forgiven him and things could go back to how they were before Maeve was in the picture.

But in that moment, forgiveness felt like a light year away. And nothing Spencer could say would turn back the clock and undo the past. Their past was already written, fading away into history. But their future was still unpenned; their next chapter just a page turn away. You just had to decide if you were brave enough to turn it. 

**_And I will swallow my pride,_ **

**_You’re the one that I love_ **

**_And I’m saying goodbye._ **

**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. The Wound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reader is shot during a take down on an unsub and Spencer has to deal with to possibility of losing her and their unborn child.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW - Smut - penetrative sex, unprotected sex, oral (female receiving.) Mostly fluff for a change but if you’ve read the Say Something main story then you’ll know what is coming - this does involve the loss of an unborn child half way through a pregnancy. Doesn’t go into detail and I promise I will make this up to you later. Also, I know little to nothing about pregnancy so all facts were Googled.   
> Bookend quote from 10.11 The Forever People.

**_“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not, and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow._ **

**2014**

**Briscoe County, Texas**

_ Sex was usually the furthest thing from your mind when you were out of town on a case. Between the things you saw at crime scenes and morgues and the sheer exhaustion of chasing unsubs, it left little time to think unsavoury thoughts. _

_ Usually. _

_ You don’t know what it was about that day, or the way that Spencer looked but your mind had been on one thing, and one thing only, all damn day. _

_ And that was that you wanted Spencer in your bed, doing unspeakable things to you as soon you were back at the dive of a motel. _

_ “You’ve been looking at me all day.” He said as soon the rickety door of your motel room was closed behind you.  _

_ “I’m sorry,” you tilted your head to the side. “Am I not allowed to look at the man I love?”  _

_ “It’s not the looking I’m referring to necessarily.” He stepped closer to you and god you wanted him so badly. “It’s the way in which you’ve been looking at me. Undressing me with your eyes.” _

_ “What can I say?” You smirked. “Geo profiling really gets me going, Doctor Reid.” As soon as you called him that he advanced on you and kissed you hard like you’d been wishing for all day. _

_ He’d always found it so incredibly sexy when you called him Doctor Reid.  _

_ His large hands encompassed your face the way you loved so much and he was almost instantly moving you back towards the bed.  _

_ As you moved, your lips never leaving his for a second, you started unbuttoning his shirt. As he laid you down on the bed he shrugged the fabric off his shoulders and tossed it aside.  _

_ It was clear you hadn’t been the only one imaging this when Spencer practically ripped open your own shirt in an almost feral manner. His hissed at the sight of your breasts clad in that black lacy bra he brought you for Valentines last year.  _

_ “My gosh.” He panted, burying his face between your bosoms. He kissed the tender skin, his hand wandering to the button on your pants.  _

_ You bucked your hips into his hand and before long the offending item of clothing was just a distant memory.  _

_ Spencer sat back, straddling you, working on ridding himself of his own pants. Once he was free of them you could see how aroused he was, straining at the front of his boxers.  _

_ He bowed his head to kiss your lips then trailed down your neck and collar bone, gently nipping at the tender skin with his teeth.  _

_ You reached behind yourself and unhooked your bra and as soon as your breasts were free Spencer was taking one of your nipples in his mouth. _

_ He swiped his tongue over it, nibbling gently the way he knew drove you wild. He mirrored the actions on your other breast before his lips continued their descent of your body.  _

_ You were aching for him by the time he reached your panty line, teasing you with soft kisses over the sheer fabric. _

_ “Spencer, for the love of god…” you panted. _

_ He laughed, a deep, sexual laugh.  _

_ “That’s Doctor Reid to you.” He smirked as he ran his fingers over your heat and you had never been so annoyed to still be in panties. _

_ “Spence...Doctor Reid…” you corrected yourself. “Please.” _

_ “So impatient today.” He laughed again.  _

_ He hooked a finger in the side of your panties. _

_ “You want these off?” _

_ “Yes...please.” You were begging him, a complete mess already.  _

_ Spencer licked his lips as he pulled your panties down, so painfully slowly you thought they were never going to be gone.  _

_ He balled them up and brought them to his nose, taking a deep inhale. _

_ “Beautiful.” He muttered and you swore you almost came just from that.  _

_ He bowed his head again and started placing kisses on your inner thighs. You wanted to scream at him, you needed him so badly. But thankfully he could tell by the way you were rocking on the bed and he edged closer to your core. _

_ The first swipe of his tongue made your eyes roll back into your head and you moaned his name. Your fingers found his hair and threaded deep in the locks as he drank you in. _

_ It took all of three minutes for him to make you come. Spencer Reid and his immaculate tongue were a godsend. He let you ride out your orgasm and he licked up every tiny remain.  _

_ When he sat back, his eyes were dark.  _

_ He freed himself from his boxers, nestling himself between your legs. He kissed you passionately as he edged inside you. _

_ You gave a brief thought as to who on the team had drawn the short straw and was roomed next to you as you both moaned loudly.  _

_ Spencer was already on the cusp just from pleasuring you and the feeling of you wrapped around him was almost enough to send him over the edge.  _

_ He started moving as you wrapped your legs around his waist, pulling him as close as humanly possibly.  _

_ You moved together in such a synchronised fashion, the kind that came from seven years of experience with one another’s bodies. You both knew exactly what pushed the other over the edge and you used the knowledge to your advantages. _

_ You clenched yourself around him, grazing your nails over the skin of his ass. You nibbled on his bottom lip and soon he was coming undone.  _

_ He buried his head into the crook of your neck, his thrusts becoming harder and more frantic. You ran your fingers up his spine and into his hair as his orgasm consumed him. _

_ The sensation of Spencer spilling inside you forced your second orgasm over the brink.  _

_ For several minutes after he laid on top of you, panting and mumbling incoherently. Once he gained an element of composure he slid out of you gently and rolled onto his back. _

_ “Holy crap.” He mumbled. “Poor Kate.” _

_ You couldn’t help but laugh. Kate Callahan was the newest member of the team and evidently was the unlucky inhabitant of the room next door. _

_ You curled into Spencer’s side, flopping one leg over him. He wrapped you in his arms as you laid your head on his chest. _

_ “That was...exceptional.” You stifled a yawn.  _

_ “It was indeed.” He kissed your hair. “Not to say it isn’t always but there was something...special about that.” _

_ “Agreed.” Your eyelids grew heavy. _

_ Little did either of you know, there was something very special indeed about that particular time. However you wouldn’t realise why for another four weeks. _

**Four Weeks - Washington DC**

_ You were supposed to be heading to the field office for a briefing on your next case but you couldn’t bring yourself to exit the bathroom of your apartment.  _

_ Spencer had knocked on the door several times telling you you needed to leave but you’d barely registered him. _

_ Your period was over a week late which shouldn’t be cause for concern only your periods were like clockwork; you could literally set your watch by them. The last time you’d been blessed with your monthly visitor had been little over a week before Briscoe County.  _

_ You’d had sex since, but there was one detail from around that time that had risen to memory over the last few days. _

_ You’d been in a hurry the day you’d been called in for that case because of one thing or another and when you were packing your go-bag you had forgotten to pack your contraceptive pills.  _

_ You hadn’t thought much of it at the time as it was very rare you and Spencer got frisky on a case and when you had that time, you hadn’t given a thought to your forgotten pills. _

_ That was until your period was late. _

_ “Y/N,” he called through the door. “We really need to go. What are you doing in there?” _

_ You stared down at the stick in your hand, the one displaying the tiny plus symbol. You’d been staring at it for some ten minutes now and it hadn’t changed. Not that you expected it to. _

_ Your fate had already been written in that motel room in rural Texas.  _

_ “Seriously Y/N, you know I hate being late!” _

_ You exhaled heavily and stood up on shaky legs. You slowly padded across the bathroom to the door, knowing your whole world was about to change. _

_ You opened the door and couldn’t bring yourself to say it out loud so you found yourself thrusting the pregnancy test at your partner. _

_ He took it from you, staring at it. The look on his face was unidentifiable.  _

_ “What is this?” He croaked. _

_ “A pregnancy test.”  _

_ “Yes I know it’s a pregnancy test but...is it yours?” _

_ “No Spence, I found it on the sidewalk.” You rolled your eyes. “Of course it’s mine.” _

_ Spencer could hear his heart beating in his ears. _

_ “And the plus symbol means…” _

_ “It’s positive.” You snatched it back from his as he wouldn’t look away from it. He was now forced to look at you. “It’s my positive pregnancy test. I’m pregnant. I mean, we’re pregnant.” _

_ “We’re…” he choked. “We’re having a baby?” His tears overflowed in that instant.  _

_ “Yes, I guess we are.” You started to laugh as your own tears escaped. “We’re having a baby.”  _

_ Suddenly Spencer engulfed you in his arms, lifting you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist as he spun you around. _

_ “Oh my gosh!” He laughed. “I’m going to be a dad.” _

_ “You’re going to be the best dad.” You took hold of his face and kissed him as he continued twirling you around.  _

_ “And you’re going to be an incredible mom.” He set you back down with another kiss. “I can’t believe this. We’re having a baby!” _

_ He was still crying when he bent down and placed a kiss on your stomach.  _

_ “I love you so much already.” He whispered to your belly which made you giggle. _

_ “How far along are you? Do you know?” He stood back up and held your face. _

_ “I think it must have happened in Texas. Which would mean about four weeks.”  _

_ “He or she is the size of a poppy seed.” He beamed. “The embryo has three layers already - the inner layer or the endoderm will develop into their digestive system, liver and lungs. The middle layer which is called the mesoderm will be our babies heart, sex organs, bones, kidneys and muscles. And the ectoderm, the outer layer, will eventually form our baby’s nervous system, hair, eyes and outer layer of skin.” He reeled off. It didn’t even surprise you that he knew all that. _

_ “Poppy would be a cute name for a girl.” You mused, clearly only picking up the first part of what he’d said. _

_ “Poppy’s very cute. Poppy Reid.” He smiled dreamily. “Well, if he or she will be a Reid. I don’t want to assume.” He blushed. _

_ You stroked his cheek.  _

_ “I would love our baby to have your name Spence.” _

_ “Y/N?” He swallowed.  _

_ “Yes Spence?” _

_ “I’d love us all to have my name.” His blush deepened. _

_ Your heartbeat increased dramatically at his words. _

_ “What are you saying Spencer?” You chewed your lip. _

_ Suddenly Spencer darted over to his bedside table and when he returned he held a red velvet ring box you hadn’t seen in some years. _

_ You had no idea he’d kept it all this time. _

_ He dropped down onto one knee, taking hold of your left hand. _

_ Your heart was hammering.  _

_ “Y/N Y/L/N, I want us to be a proper family. When the baby comes along I want us to all be the Reid family. I hope that isn’t too old fashioned. This is probably a really long time coming,” he laughed a little. “But will you marry me?”  _

_ “Spencer,” you smiled at him. “Please don’t propose to me just because I’m pregnant. I don’t need a-“ _

_ “I’m not.” He insisted. “I’ve wanted to do this for years but...well I don’t know why I haven’t. But this seems like the perfect moment. So what do you say? Will you marry me Y/N?” _

_ “Yes! Of course I’ll marry you Doctor Reid!” You practically screamed.  _

_ Spencer breathed a sigh of relief and slid the ring on your ring finger. He stood up and scooped you into his arms again.  _

_ “God I love you Y/N. I can't wait to meet our child. And make you my wife.” _

_ “Well let's wait too long.” You kissed him with a large smile.  _

_ You couldn't believe how happy you were about this. Yesterday you weren't sure you even wanted kids and today you couldn't wait to meet the tiny baby growing inside of you. _

_ You were both snapped out of your bliss by a realisation. _

_ “We need to get to work!” Spencer suddenly let go of you, running to grab his go-bag. _

_ “Spence, let's not tell anyone about the baby just yet. It's too early. I'd like to wait until we've at least had a scan to make sure everything is ok.”  _

_ He looked a little upset by this, you knew he couldn't wait to share the news with the team. But he nodded in understanding. _

_ “Ok, that makes sense.” He kissed you once more and then grabbed you by the hand. “Let's go then, future Mrs Reid.”  _

_ Your heart swelled at his words. God that had a great ring to it. _

_ “Doctor and Mrs Reid,” you mused as Spencer led you out of the apartment. “A girl could get used to that.” _

  
  
  


**Twenty Weeks - Cleveland, Ohio**

“Ok here’s the plan.” Hotch gathered you all around the table in the Cleveland PD and went over the take down plan.

You were all suited and booted in your kevlar vests, ready for what was going to go down.

At twenty weeks pregnant your vest was very snug around your growing belly. This was to be your last case in the field on Spencer’s insistence. You tried to argue but knew he was right, it was too dangerous for you to be in the field any more in your condition.

You would still travel with the team for the next few months but you would work cases from the police department of whatever city you were in. So this was your last hurrah.

So much had changed in twenty weeks and not just your dress size. It was crazy to think just a few years ago the two of you had been at breaking point. After Maeve you were sure that spelt the end of your relationship. You had lost your trust in Spencer, and without trust a relationship crumbled. 

But somehow, you'd come through it stronger than ever. Maybe you hadn't strictly forgiven him. Some days the thought of Maeve and what Spencer did still haunted your dreams and sometimes even crossed over into your walking hours. 

You'd spent a few weeks apart and in that time you had made a decision. You had decided that your love for Spencer was stronger than the anger you felt towards him. You’d come to realise that your life no longer made sense without him in it. So you decided you could make it work. But maybe the words  _ I forgive you  _ hadn't ever left your lips, even now all this time later.

Hotch finished explaining the plan. He split you into teams - he and Rossi were taking the front of the building while Morgan, JJ and Kate were taking the back. You and Spencer were taking the out building around back. 

Spencer came to your side and placed his fingertips on your Kevlar clad stomach.

“I don't know how I feel about this Y/N.” his face was riddled with concern and he chewed his lip heavily.

“Everything will be fine Spence. And anyway, this is my last case in the field, let me go out with a bang!” You joked but the look on Spencer’s face told you he didn't find it at all funny. “Obviously not  _ literally,  _ but you know what I mean.” You cupped his cheek, trying to ease his mind.

“Just please be careful.” He pleaded.

“I always am. I love you Doctor Reid.” You got on your tiptoes and stole a kiss.

“I love you too Mrs Reid.”

  
  


**Seven Weeks - Boston, Massachusetts**

_ “She’ll be ten millimetres long now. And your womb is about the size of a lemon.” Spencer spoke, his head rested on your stomach.  _

_ “Stop calling it she.” You giggled. “We won’t know the gender for months.” _

_ “I know.” He kissed your stomach and joined you on the pillows. “I just get this feeling.”  _

_ You laughed at him and gave him a kiss, settling down into yet another motel bed. You were yet to tell the team you were pregnant and it was just about killing Spencer.  _

_ Every time you were in the field he was a little extra cautious with you and you were sure the team had noticed. You were sure they knew something was going on. Today alone you had thrown up in the PD bathroom three times, a trash can near a crime scene and had to pull your SUV over twice to vomit on a three mile drive. Morning sickness was kicking your ass. _

_ “Her brain is growing rapidly which is resulting in her head growing faster than the rest of her body.” _

_ “So I’m carrying a giant headed baby in my lemon sized womb?”  _

_ “It would seem that way.” He laughed. “She’ll have a large forehead and her ears and eyes are already starting to develop.” He beamed. _

_ “You’re going to be so disappointed when the doctor says we’re having a boy.”  _

_ “It’s a girl. I can feel it.” He put his warm hand on your stomach. “Baby Eden.” _

_ “Eden?” You smiled. “I didn’t know you’d thought of names?” _

_ “I haven’t really, just that one. It kind of stuck in my head.” _

_ “I love it. How about Eden Diana Reid?” _

_ Spencer’s eyes lit up, you could see it even in the dark. _

_ “That would be wonderful.” He sniffed, clearly trying to keep tears at bay. “And if it is a boy, which is a big if,” he chuckled. “Maybe we could call him Andrew after your dad?” _

_ It was your turn for your eyes to light up. _

_ “I’d like that.” You settled yourself into his chest. “Goodnight Spence.” _

_ “Goodnight Y/N. Goodnight Lemon.”  _

_ *** _

**Twenty Weeks - Cleveland, Ohio**

The two of you rode in the back of the SUV on your way to the warehouse you believed the unsub was holding his victims. Hotch was driving and Rossi was in the passenger's seat. 

Spencer had one arm around your shoulders, pulling you close to him in the backseat and he held your hand with the other. 

“Oh god Spence, quick!” You took his hand and placed it on your stomach in a flash.

“Is everything ok?” Rossi turned in his seat, panic in his eyes.

“Lemon’s kicking!” You replied with a bright smile. Ever since you were seven weeks pregnant the name  _ Lemon  _ had stuck. Of course you wouldn't call your baby that when they arrived but for now it was your own little pet name for your unborn child. 

“Oh my gosh, oh my gosh.” Spencer closed his eyes as the feeling washed over him. “I’ve never managed to get there in time to feel the movements.” Tears swam in his eyes. 

“And how does it stack up to your expectation?” Hotch asked over his shoulder.

“It’s so...wow.” Was all he could say. 

As soon as it started it stopped again but Spencer was more than happy with what little the baby gave him.

“That was amazing.” He sniffed back his tears. 

“I’m so happy you finally got to feel!” You squeezed his hand. 

“I’m very pleased for you both.” Hotch spoke again. “But now we need our heads in the game. We’re almost there.” 

  
  


**Eleven Weeks - Boulder City, Nevada**

_ You were ready to tell the team. Three days ago you and Spencer had your first scan and saw your baby Lemon for the first time. It had been a magical experience to say the least.  _

_ “Do you know the bones of the face have now formed and the eyelids are now closed and they aren’t going to open again for months!” Spencer excitedly bounced on the balls of his feet. _

_ “What kind of doctor did you say you were?” The sonographer frowned at your partner. _

_ “Not that kind of doctor.” You laughed. “But he is a quantifiable genius so I apologise in advance because I’m sure that won’t be his last fact.” _

_ “The head makes up a third of its length. Can you imagine?” He chuckled to himself.  _

_ You gave his hand a squeeze to calm him while the sonographer spread cool gel on your stomach.  _

_ Your bump was starting to show the tiniest amount. To anyone else it probably just looked like you’d put on a little weight.  _

_ The wand was directed at your belly and you held your breath. _

_ “The fingers and toes have started separating and get this, it will even have finger-“ he stopped ranting when a noise started pulsing through the room. “Oh my gosh.” His free hand went to his mouth. “Is that…” _

_ “That’s your baby’s heartbeat.” _

_ You looked up at Spencer and he looked down at where you lay. You were both crying.  _

_ “Oh wow.” You sniffed. “That’s incredible.”  _

_ “She’s perfect.” Spencer said looking at the scratchy image of his child. _

_ “It’s too early to tell the gender Doctor Reid.” The sonographer informed him. _

_ “He’s got a hunch. Just humour him.” You laughed through your tears.  _

_ “Can we have photos? I want tons of copies. I need to send one to my mom and I want JJ and Morgan and Garcia and-“ _

_ “Spence,” you squeezed his hand. “Stop a second. Just take it all in.” You brought him back into the room. _

_ He took a few deep breaths and looked back at the screen. _

_ “That’s our baby.” He smiled brightly. _

_ “That’s our baby.” You cooed in agreement. _

_ A few hours later you’d been on the jet on your way to Nevada for your next case, which meant you would be able to give Diana the good news that she was to be a grandmother in person.  _

_ You and Spencer had a plan for as soon as the case was over. The afternoon you’d arrested your unsub, it was time to put the wheels in motion. _

_ *** _

_ Spencer pulled Hotch aside once they had their guy in custody.  _

_ “Hotch, Y/N and I wondered if there was any chance we could spend one more night in Vegas. The whole team? It’s already getting late anyway but we uhm…” he scratched the back of his head. Why did you leave this up to him? “I can’t tell you what, but we have something we need to do this evening and we need you all here.”  _

_ Hotch frowned. He’d never had a team member ask such a favour, especially such a vague one. But he could tell by the desperate look on Spencer’s face that this was important. _

_ “I’m sure that can be arranged.” He agreed. _

_ “Thank you Hotch! All will be revealed later I promise. Can you have the team meet us at The Luxor at nine? There’s something else I need to do first.” _

_ “Ok, I’ll let the team know.” Hotch agreed. _

_ Spencer left the room with a huge smile on his face. _

_ Phase one was a-go. _

_ *** _

_ Phase two was your job. You found a quiet corner of the police station and pulled out your phone. It rang twice before her infectious voice came through the airwaves. _

_ “Quantico’s resident technical goddess. How may I outstand and amaze you today?”  _

_ “Penelope, hi!” _

_ “Y/N! I thought the case was wrapped?” _

_ “It is, but look I need a favour.” _

_ “Anything for you darling. What is it?” _

_ You chewed your lip, checking over your shoulder to make sure no one was around to overhear.  _

_ “I need you to keep a huge secret. Not for long. Five hours at most.” And then told Garcia the plan. _

_ *** _

_ It had been some years since you’d last seen Diana Reid and you weren't sure she’d even remember you. But you didn't have to worry about that as the second you and Spencer stepped into the day room of Diana’s facility she jumped up from her chair and practically pounced at you both. _

_ “Spencer! Y/N!” She pulled you both into a hug. “It's been so long.” _

_ “I know mom, i’m sorry. Things have been so hectic.” Spencer apologised as the three of you took seats around a small table. _

_ “I understand Spencer. It's so good to see you. Both of you.” _

_ You'd spoken to Diana’s doctor when you'd arrived and she’d told you Diana was having one of her good days, which was perfect for the news you had to give her. _

_ “How have you been Diana?” You asked her with a small smile. _

_ “Oh you know how it is. I have good days and I have bad days.” She shrugged. “But enough about me, how are you both? Y/N you are glowing.” _

_ You blushed at her words and looked at Spencer. He took hold of your hand. _

_ “There's a reason for that.” Spencer was already beaming. “We have some exciting news mom. Y/N is pregnant, you're going to be a grandmother.”  _

_ Diana’s hands flew to her mouth and she gasped, tears filling her eyes in an instant.  _

_ She looked from Spencer to you, as if needing some kind of clarification.  _

_ “It’s true.” You used your free hand to hold your stomach. “I’m almost twelve weeks.”  _

_ “Oh my god.” She gasped again, tears overflowing. “This is wonderful!” She was up again embracing you and then she took hold of Spencer’s face. “I am so happy for the two of you.” _

_ Spencer reached into his inside pocket and pulled out the small photo before handing it to Diana. _

_ “This is for you. It’s from our first scan.”  _

_ Diana studied the picture, running her fingers over the tiny details. _

_ “Oh she’s going to be smart, I can feel it.” _

_ “We don’t know if it’s a girl.” You laughed. _

_ “Oh it’s a girl.” Diana smiled knowingly at you. _

_ “What is this Reid intuition I’m missing out on?” _

_ “When I was pregnant with Spencer, his father was convinced he was a girl.” _

_ “Of course he was.” Spencer scoffed. _

_ “But,” Diana continued ignoring her son. “I knew he was a boy. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I knew. Like I know this is,” she pointed  _

_ at the scan. “Is a girl.”  _

_ You just laughed as the two Reid’s gave each other knowing looks.  _

_ “There’s another reason we came to see you today mom.” Spencer changed the subject, knowing time was of the essence. “We spoke to your doctor and she’s agreed to supervise you on a little trip this evening.” Spencer smiled somewhat mischievously. “How would you feel about going to The Luxor?” _

_ *** _

_ “It’s a quarter past. The kid is never late.” Morgan impatiently tapped his foot. “I’m exhausted, where is he?” _

_ “This is definitely where he said to meet?” Kate questioned. _

_ “Yes.” Hotch replied in his usual stoic manner.  _

_ “Does anyone have any idea what this is about?” Rossi directed his question at no one in particular to which everyone shook their heads. _

_ “It’s not like Spence to be so cryptic.” JJ mused.  _

_ “Oh my god, oh my god, I’m not late am I?” Garcia was suddenly barrelling towards them, met with very confused looks from the rest of her team. _

_ “Baby girl?” Morgan frowned. “What are you doing here?” _

_ “Top secret business.” She tried to say as little as possible. “All will be revealed. And don’t worry boss I flew commercial.” She winked at Hotch. _

_ “Someone needs to tell me what’s going on.” Rossi sighed. _

_ “We can do that.” You spoke as you suddenly approached the team with Diana and her doctor in tow. _

_ “What is going on?” JJ laughed awkwardly.  _

_ “Kid if you brought us here just to play poker-“ Rossi started but he was cut off by Spencer. _

_ “No, no poker playing.” He grinned.  _

_ He squeezed your hand. _

_ “There are two reasons we wanted you all here. Firstly,” you looked at Spencer who gave you an encouraging nod. “Well there’s something we wanted to tell you all together.”  _

_ “Oh my god!” JJ exclaimed. “You’re…” she trailed off not wanting to ruin their announcement.  _

_ “What?” Morgan frowned. “What’s going on?” _

_ “Ohhh I get it!” Kate agreed.  _

_ “Well I don’t.” Rossi grumbled. “Will someone please spit it out?” _

_ You laughed briefly looking at Spencer and then back at the team.  _

_ “Our team is getting a new member.” You put your free hand on your stomach.  _

_ “You’re pregnant?” Garcia screamed.  _

_ “That’s not why you're here?” Morgan frowned again.  _

_ “No! I’m here for the other thing. Not this thing. I didn’t know about this thing!”  _

_ “Congratulations.” Hotch cracked the smallest of smiles. _

_ “This is wonderful!” JJ exclaimed.  _

_ Spencer pulled out the small copies he’d made of the scan and started handing them out to the team. _

_ Everyone hugged them and congratulated them. _

_ “Well this is just fantastic news.” Rossi grinned. “Drinks are in order. Well except for you Y/N.” _

_ “Wait a second.” Morgan stopped him. “Why is baby girl here?” _

_ You and Spencer shared another look before addressing their team. _

_ “Well,” you smiled, looking at Garcia. “I couldn’t very get married without my maid of honour.”  _

_ “You’re...now?” Kate gasped. _

_ “Yep.” Spencer laughed.  _

_ “I knew that was an engagement ring!” JJ hit Spencer’s arm. “You guys are too good at lying.” _

_ “You’re getting married now? Here?” Rossi clarified.  _

_ “We are.” Spencer grinned, pulling you close. “Right now.”  _

_ Your choice of clothing made sense to them all now. You wore a white lacy summer dress, not your usual attire and Spencer’s shirt and tie combo was a little smarter than his typical get up. _

_ “Pretty boy, you got a best man lined up?” Morgan asked with a soft smile. _

_ “You know I do.” Spencer smiled back at his best friend.  _

_ “Well folks, let’s get this show on the road!” Garcia hustled.  _

_ JJ came over to you, removing her scarf from around her neck and draping it around you. _

_ “This can be your something borrowed and something blue. And your something old I guess, I’ve had it since before Henry was born.”  _

_ “Thank you.” You played with the fabric. _

_ “It can technically be your something new too, as it’s new to you.” Spencer grinned.  _

_ “Ok let’s go, let’s go!” Garcia started hurrying you all along.  _

_ Everyone started heading to the chapel at the other end of the hotel but you hung back.  _

_ “Dave, can I have a word?” You stopped Rossi as he was about to follow.  _

_ He nodded and you waited for everyone to be out of earshot. _

_ “Please feel free to say no to this, but...I guess I’ve always seen you as a kind of father figure, especially after my dad died. And I guess I was just wondering, again please feel free to say no…” _

_ “Yes Y/N?” He laughed. _

_ “Would you walk me down the aisle? It would mean the world to me.”  _

_ Suddenly you were being engulfed by Rossi and he kissed both of your cheeks. _

_ “It would be an honour Y/N.”  _

_ “Oh good.” You giggled. “Because I’d like to tell this little one that grandpa Dave walked their mom down the aisle one day.” _

_ He linked his arm with yours and the two of you headed after the others to your wedding.  _

_ *** _

_ “Do you Spencer Walter Reid, take Y/N Y/M/N Y/LN to be your wife?” _

_ “I do.” Spencer grinned brightly at you.  _

_ “And do you Y/N Y/M/N Y/LN, take Spencer Walter Reid to be your husband?” _

_ “I do.” You sniffed back tears.  _

_ “So by the power vested in me by the state of Nevada, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride.” _

_ Spencer didn’t hesitate. He took your face in his hands and he kissed you passionately.  _

_ “Congratulations Mr and Mrs Reid.” _

_ “Doctor Reid!” The whole team chorused at once making you and Spencer laugh.  _

_ Spencer took your hand and led you from the altar. His mother was the first one at your side. _

_ “Congratulations, guess there’s a new Mrs Reid in town.” She kissed your cheek.  _

_ The rest of the team congratulated you with hugs and kisses while Garcia, who was the only one who had a chance to prepare for the nuptials, tossed confetti over you. _

_ Rossi came over to the two of you and placed a hand on each of your shoulders.  _

_ “As a wedding present to you both, I am taking everyone to dinner at the Lago at The Bellagio. And the two of you will be spending the night in The Bellagio’s finest honeymoon suite.” _

_ “Oh Dave.” You smiled softly. “Thank you, that's so sweet of you.” _

_ “Thanks Rossi.” Spencer echoed.  _

_ “And as my wedding present,” Hotch stepped forward. “I am giving you a paid weeks vacation effective from tomorrow. Maybe you can stay in Vegas or something like a mini honeymoon.”  _

_ Without thinking you threw your arms around your boss, probably the first time in your nine years with the bureau you had so much as touched him. _

_ “Thanks Hotch.”  _

_ “On to The Bellagio!” Garcia instructed them all.  _

_ You let everyone go on ahead and you and Spencer slipped back. He took hold you hand and brought it to his lips so he could kiss your knuckles. _

_ “We finally did it.” He sighed in content. _

_ “Only took us seven years.” You laughed. _

_ “I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with you Y/N Reid. And I cannot wait to meet our little Lemon.” _

_ “Me either Spence. Me either.” _

_ *** _

**Twenty Weeks - Cleveland, Ohio**

Hotch pulled the SUV to a stop just round the corner from their destination. As soon the engine cut off the four of you were out the doors and onto the street.

Seconds later two more cars pulled up, Kate, JJ and Morgan jumping out of one and four officers from the Ohio PD out of the other.

“Are we all ready?” Hotch asked once everyone gathered.

“As we'll ever be.” Kate answered.

“Let's take this son of bitch down.” Morgan unholstered his gun to which everyone else followed suit. 

“Ok, lets go.” Hotch instructed and everyone started about their separate tasks.

You and Spencer headed swiftly and quietly to the back where the out building was. It was larger than it looked in Garcia’s maps of the area. 

“We might need to split up.” Spencer chewed his lip. It was the last thing he wanted to do, leaving you alone in your state but it was likely the out building would have a rear entrance and if that was the case you could let this guy escape if you didn't split up.

“We'll be fine.” You told him sensing his fear. “Lemon and I will be just fine.” You gave him a smile before you started around the back of the building.

You would be fine, Spencer kept telling himself. You would be just fine. 

But he couldn't shake a horrible feeling in his gut that told him you wouldn't be fine. And no more than two minutes later, he would wish he'd listened to that feeling.

_ *** _

**Fifteen Weeks - Indianapolis, Indiana**

_ You stretched your aching back for the third time in as many minutes. Hotch glanced up at you. _

_ “Please sit down Y/N, you're clearly in pain.” _

_ “I'm fine, and besides it hurts more when I sit.” You stretched again. You weren't even half way through your pregnancy and your back was in tatters. “I swear this baby weighs a hundred pounds. I did not think Spence would make big babies.” You grumbled. _

_ “It’s the giant brain.” JJ gave you a sympathetic smile.  _

_ “Maybe you should consider taking yourself out of the field until the baby is born.” Hotch suggested. _

_ “What? No way!” You groaned in pain as you spoke. “I already have to take maternity leave, I don’t want to be out of the field longer than necess- motherfucker.”  _

_ “I’m calling Spencer.” JJ went to get her phone. _

_ “No, no I’m fine. It’s just back pain. He’ll be back from the morgue soon enough. I can murder him then.”  _

_ “You want to murder your baby daddy already? Wait until you're in labour.” JJ laughed. _

_ “Yes I want to murder him.” You groaned again. “For putting this damn baby in me in the first place.”  _

_ “I really think you should consider taking a step back and working lighter duties.”  _

_ “Hotch, shouldn't you know better than to anger a pregnant woman?” You shot you boss a look.  _

_ “Fine, suit yourself.” He conceded. _

_ Eventually you sat down, stretching your legs out and rolling your head back so you were looking at the ceiling. _

_ “Anyway,” you groaned. “Where were we with the profile?” _

_ *** _

**Twenty Weeks - Cleveland, Ohio**

You crept around the side of the building, your gun drawn in front of you. All you could hear was the sound of your heart beating in your ears and your almost silent footsteps.

Just then you felt a flurry in your stomach as Lemon started to wriggle.

_ Not a good time buddy,  _ you thought. You tried to ignore the sensation and pushed forwards, slowly edging around the side of the building.

You saw a door ahead and trained your gun in the direction of it. All of a sudden, Lemon decided to kick you hard in the ribs and in the split second you took your eyes off the door to glance at your belly, the door flew open.

You shot your eyes back up in the direction of the door, your gun poised with your finger curled around the trigger. 

But it was too late. The unsub had a fraction of a second on when you'd been distracted and he’d already gotten off a shot. 

Everything after that happened in slow motion. You swore you saw the bulletin flying in the air towards you. You tried to dive out of its trajectory but it collided with your chest, just below your collarbone and sent you flying back to the asphalt with a thud. 

***

Spencer’s world had come crashing down in an instant from a single gunshot. 

By the time he made it to the other side of the building you were on the floor, blood pouring out of your chest. 

He dropped to his knees beside you in an instant, his hands immediately putting pressure on your wound.

“Y/N!” He screamed. “Oh my gosh Y/N! HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!” His tears were streaming down his face as he desperately fought to keep you alive. “Don’t die on me Y/N, I need you! I love you!”

With the tiny ounce of strength you had left in your body, you reached your hand up to cup Spencer’s cheek. You opened your mouth to speak but no words came out.

“Don’t speak Y/N, you don’t need to say anything. Conserve your strength beautiful.” He sobbed. 

It felt like hours but was really only minutes when help arrived in the form of Kate and Rossi followed swiftly by paramedics.

Rossi had to physically pull Spencer off your still form so the medics could get to you. He was sobbing and shaking and covered in your blood. Rossi held him tightly as he frantically tried to break free from the older man's grasp. 

Once you were on the gurney and being led to the ambulance, Rossi let him go and he sprinted after you. He grabbed your cold hand as they were loading you into the back of the vehicle and he jumped in with you.

The sirens began, their emergency melody playing out to the city. He held your hand the whole way, tears falling heavily from his eyes.

He twirled the ring around on your finger, playing with it in absent mind. You’d only been married a few months despite being together now for over seven years. And you knew why you’d finally made it down the aisle. There was only one reason for it and you both knew it.

Your head was rolled to the side so you could look at him but with the oxygen mask now over your mouth and nose you couldn’t speak.

But he didn’t need you to speak to know what you were trying to say. This was his fault. You should have stayed together but he had thought it would be better if you’d split up to cover more ground. He’d left you alone and you’d been shot. 

He blamed himself and he could see it in your eyes that you blamed him too. If he lost you he didn’t know how he would go on. If he lost you and your baby, he would never, ever forgive himself.

***

**Eighteen Weeks - George Washington University Hospital, Washington DC**

_ “She’s about fourteen point two centimetres now and weighs around a hundred and ninety grams, which is about the size and weight of a sweet red pepper.” Spencer beamed proudly.  _

_ “Again,” you sighed. “He really isn't that kind of doctor.”  _

_ The sonographer gave you an understanding smile as she placed the wand on your stomach. _

_ “It's ok.” She told you. “I’ve dealt with much worse.” She moved the wand around a little until you heard that magical sound of Lemon’s heartbeat.  _

_ “I'll never get tired of that sound.” Spencer squeezed your hand. “Oh my gosh look at her!” _

_ “Still don't know if it's a boy or girl Spence.” You laughed turning your attention to the screen. _

_ Your baby was much clearer this time than they had been all those weeks ago at your first scan. You could make out the head, body and limbs. They were starting to look like a tiny human. _

_ “Speaking of,” the sonographer spoke again. “Did you want to know the gender?” _

_ You had discussed this at length and made a decision weeks ago but you looked at Spencer just to clarify. He nodded at you. _

_ “Yes please.” He spoke for you both.  _

_ “Ok, lets see.” The sonographer moved the wand around a little more studying the screen. “Congratulations doctor and Mrs Reid, you're having a little girl.” _

_ “I knew it!” Spencer grinned as his tears started to fall.  _

_ “Eden,” you sniffed, staring deeply at your baby girl on the screen.  _

_ “I’ll give you two a minute while I go and get you some pictures.” The sonographer smiled at you both before leaving the room. _

_ Spencer threw his arms around you, avoiding the gel on your belly.  _

_ “A girl.” He was beaming so brightly. “We’re having a daughter.”  _

_ “That Reid intuition is scary.” You laughed. “I can't believe you and your mom were right.” _

_ “She's going to be thrilled she's having a granddaughter.”  _

_ You looked down at your stomach, tears rolling down your cheeks. _

_ “Hi Eden,” you said to your bump. “We are your mommy and daddy and we absolutely can't wait to meet you.” _

***

**Twenty Weeks - Fairview Hospital, Cleveland, Ohio**

It had been just two weeks since Spencer had last been in a hospital but this was for a completely different reason.

Two weeks ago you were finding out you were having a little girl and now Spencer wasn’t sure if either her or you would make it out of surgery alive. 

He sat with the rest of the team in the hospital's waiting room, tears rolling down his cheeks that threatened to never stop. 

When he closed his eyes, he saw the blood spilling out of you. He’d washed up on Rossi’s insistence but he still had a sizable amount of your blood on his clothes. 

What if that was the last thing he had of you?

Hours ticked by, each minute more painful than the last. Spencer’s mind kept running over every eventuality. He tried to remain focused on the positive outcome, the one where you and your baby would be fine. But he couldn't help but circle back to the negative. 

What if something happened to either of you? Or worse yet, what if something happened to  _ both  _ of you? How could he be expected to go on alone? 

Rossi brought him a coffee he didn't drink. JJ brought him a sandwich he didn't eat. Kate told him he needed to rest but he couldn't. 

Eventually the team started filtering out, heading back to the motel, telling Spencer to call as soon as he had news. They needed to get sleep so they could start the hunt for their unsub again in the morning. And now he'd shot an FBI agent, they were more determined than ever.

The only person who didn't leave was Morgan, refusing to go anywhere until he knew you were ok. He was not leaving Spencer alone while his wife and unborn child were in danger.

“Talk to me pretty boy.” Morgan took the seat next to Spencer, handing him another coffee.

“It's all my fault.” He croaked, sounding as though he hadn't slept in weeks. 

“Reid, this is not your fault.” Morgan spoke sympathetically.

“It is Morgan. It was my idea for us to split up, if we’d stayed together…”

“If you'd stayed together you could both be in surgery right now.” 

“Or I could have shot him first.” He brought the cardboard cup to his lips and took a sip of the coffee. “Oh jeez,” he pulled a face. “This coffee is garbage.”

“Yeah it is pretty bad.” Morgan agreed. “Look kid, whatever happens, you aren't to blame. The only person to blame is that son of a bitch who shot Y/N. And you better believe we are going to find him and I will make it my mission to see him get the needle.” 

“I wish that helped Morgan. I really wish it helped.”

***

It was still another few painful hours of waiting before finally the doctor appeared in the waiting room.

“Mr Reid?” He approached Spencer. Spencer didn't even have the energy to correct him.

“Yes? Is Y/N ok? Is my baby ok? Please tell me they are ok.” He was crying again, desperate for answers. 

“Come with me Mr Reid, we need to talk.”

_ Oh god, no please god no. _

Morgan gave Spencer an encouraging nod before Spencer followed the doctor.

“Please tell me they are ok. Please god, I need them to be ok.” He was sobbing.

“The surgery went as well as we could have hoped. We removed the bullet, it missed any major arteries but did cause some damage to the soft tissue in the front of her shoulder. Your wife will probably need physical therapy to be able to get the full use of her left arm back. She should make a full recovery and be back to normal eventually, but there were some complications.” 

“What kind of complications?”  _ How is my baby? _

“She lost a lot of blood during surgery.” The doctor informed him.

“Please doctor,” Spencer chewed his lip. “Just tell me.” 

The doctor nodded slowly and Spencer already knew what he was going to say when he saw the look in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry Mr Reid,”

“It's doctor Reid.” He finally corrected him.

“My apologies, doctor Reid. I’m sorry, but you might want to sit down for this.”

***

It was another few hours for Spencer sitting vigil at your bedside waiting for you to wake up. 

He had practically fought Morgan to leave, telling him over and over again he just wanted to be alone with you. Eventually he had left and Spencer had sat next to your bed with his head in his hands ever since.

It wasn't the worst possible outcome but why did it feel like it was? Why did Spencer feel as though his whole world had come to an abrupt stop? 

“Spence?” You croaked, your eyes fluttering open.

He jumped up from the chair, grabbing your hand.

“Y/N hi, you're awake.” He tried to smile but he couldn't.

“Where am I? What happened?” 

He stroked back your head from your sweat slicked brow and placed a kiss there.

“You're in the hospital. You were shot, do you remember?”

You closed your eyes to try and grasp at a memory.

“I was heading towards the back door and I briefly looked down at my stomach because Lemon started kicking. Oh god, Lemon! Is she...please tell me she's ok!” You tried sitting up in the bed in a panic but Spencer kept you laying down. 

The heartbreak was written across his face, the pain his eyes said it all. 

“No,” you started to sob. “No please god. Tell me she's ok Spencer. She has to be ok.” But you already knew.

“I'm so sorry.” Spencer started sobbing too. “The stress of the surgery and the blood loss was too much for her. She didn't make it.” His legs buckled as he said that and he had to use the bed to steady himself. 

“No, no please Spencer, no!” You grabbed his shirt, balling the fabric in your hand pulling him closer to you.

He buried his head in your neck and you wrapped your arms so tightly around him he could barely breathe.

And you cried together over the loss of the baby you'd never get to meet; the daughter you’d never gotten to hold. 

At some point Spencer crawled into the bed with you and you held each other while you mourned the loss of your child. Eden Diana Reid. 

You felt empty, physically and emotionally. The pain from the gunshot was nothing in comparison to the pain you felt in your heart. Nothing in the world could compare to this. Nothing in the past or anything that would happen in the future would come close to this kind of agony, the agony of losing your unborn child. 

For the next few months you would move about life on autopilot, everything and anything reminding you of what you'd lost. It would push your relationship with Spencer to the brink, to its furthest limits. 

You would shut him out entirely for months, refusing to talk about her and what happened and becoming volatile when he mentioned it. You would blame him and he would understand, because if he hadn't suggested you split up at that crime scene, your baby might have lived.

Your doctor would put you on antidepressants but you wouldn't stay on them long as they would make you feel numb and robotic and you preferred being miserable over feeling nothing. 

Eventually, things would get better but they would never quite be the same again. Maybe you would never love Spencer the same way. Maybe a part of your love for him died with Eden. So although the two of you would stay together and work through things for the most part, your relationship would never be the same. 

You would soon come to realise that love really wasn't enough. But you weren't strong enough to walk away. Being miserable with Spencer seemed easier than being miserable without him. But it was quite possible, the last time you were ever happy in your marriage was the night before Cleveland, Ohio...

***

**Nineteen Weeks, Six Days - Washington DC**

_ Spencer shut off the light and crawled into bed next to you. He kissed you before running his fingers over your belly.  _

_ “Half way there little Lemon.” He spoke to your bump. “You have no idea how excited I am to meet you.” _

_ “Oh I think she's got a good idea.” You laughed, running your fingers through Spencer’s hair as he placed kisses over your belly. _

_ “She never moves when I’m around. Do you think she hates me?” He looked up at you with sad puppy-like eyes.  _

“Spence,” you moved your hand from his hair to his cheek and stroked it. “Don’t be silly. She’s probably sleeping or something. You’ll feel her, I promise.” 

And he would. He would feel her the very next day in the back of Hotch’s SUV as he drove you towards that warehouse in Cleveland. He just didn’t know that would be the only time.

Spencer moved back up the bed and laid next to you and you curled into him which was a little harder to do now you were getting bigger. 

“I am so damn happy Y/N.” He mumbled into your hair. 

You snaked your arm around his waist, giving him a hug.

“Me too Spence, me too.” 

Little did you know. 

  
  


**_Say something, I’m giving up on you._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. The Cell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer is arrested in Mexico in the midst of his divorce. The reader has to try and put her feelings aside and help the man who is still technically her husband.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is, the final part of the Say Something Mini-Series flashbacks. There will however be an Epilogue to this as I wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye to this series, so keep an eye out for that!   
> CW - not much in the way of the prison arc as I didn’t want to write all the details of the case. Mentions of drug addiciton, Maeve, loss of unborn child. Hints of bad language and violence. Mostly told in a series of flashbacks across the years. Bookend quote from 12.13 Spencer. Vague case details from 11.14 Hostage and 2.2 P911. You might recognise a scence in here from the Say Something main story.

_“ **There are so many fragile things after all. People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts.” - Neil Gaiman.**_

**2016**

Recovery. It was a funny word. It was a word that was thrown around a lot but you were never sure you truly understood it.

Spencer had  _ recovered  _ from his dilaudid addiction. Sure you supposed to an extent he had but that didn’t stop him craving from time to time, did it? 

You had  _ recovered  _ from your fathers death but that didn’t mean you didn’t miss him all the time, did it?

You had both  _ recovered  _ from Emily’s perceived death and you’d  _ recovered _ from the lies Hotch and JJ had told you. But that didn’t mean you weren’t still harbouring a little resentment about the whole thing, did it?

You suppose you had  _ recovered _ from the aftermath of Spencer’s relationship with Maeve but that didn’t mean you’d forgiven him, did it? 

According to your doctor you had  _ recovered  _ from being shot and the residual pain in your shoulder was all but gone. According to your therapist you had  _ recovered  _ from losing your unborn daughter because she had discharged you from her sessions, but that didn’t take the pain away, did it? 

What was recovery anyway? Was it just the simple ability to be able to get on with your day without constantly losing it? Because if that was the case you supposed yes, you had  _ recovered  _ in that sense. You were ok in the sense that you could now get out of bed in the morning and carry on with your day without crying at the smallest hiccup. But you still cried yourself to sleep at least once a week. You still felt a pang in your heart when you had a case that dealt with children. You still couldn’t even begin to fathom the prospect of ever trying for a child again.

And that didn’t really feel like recovery to you. 

You and Spencer had tried to keep your relationship afloat after the loss of your baby. Well, that’s to say Spencer tried, you didn’t really do much of anything.

You loved Spencer but he was just a constant reminder of your loss and over time you found you resented him. And since you’d made that realisation, things had never been the same.

***

What had started as just a normal day at the BAU offices ended with you in Mexico, watching your drugged husband behind bars. 

Nothing in the world could have prepared you for this. Maybe if you’d pried a little more, asked more questions about his trips to Houston you would have been able to help him sooner. Maybe it wouldn’t have gotten this far. Maybe your husband wouldn’t have been arrested for drug possession and accused of murder.

But, you supposed, to have done that, you would have had to speak to each other and that was something you hadn’t done, outside of a working environment for almost four months.

_ “I’m going to stay with Garcia.”  _

_ “What do you mean?” Spencer frowned over his newspaper.  _

_ “I’m leaving.” You clarified, standing up from the table, a half finished bowl of cereal still in front of you. _

_ “What’s going on Y/N? I’m confused.” He folded the newspaper and stared at you, waiting for an explanation. _

_ “I’m leaving. I’m leaving you. I can’t do this anymore.” You walked to the bedroom, located your duffel bag and started emptying the contents of your wardrobe into it. _

_ “Y/N where has this come from?” He followed you. “I thought everything was ok between us?” _

_ “Ok?” You scoffed. “Spencer, things have been far from ok for a long time.” _

_ “Is this because of Eden?” _

_ “Don’t say her name.” You spat, tears immediately brimming in your eyes. “No, this isn’t about her. This is about you and me. This is about…” you trailed off trying to find the right words. “It’s about the fact that I don’t love you how I used to.”  _

You’d moved out of the apartment that day, staying with Garcia until around a month ago when you’d signed a lease on your own place.

The divorce papers had been sitting on his bookshelf for two weeks. You had signed them around the time you moved into your new place and were waiting for him to send them back to his lawyer so the two of you could make things official. You’d tried your best, or at least you both told yourselves that. 

_ “Seriously?” Spencer cornered you in the kitchen at work and brandished the papers in your face. “Could you not have done me the courtesy of giving me a heads up?” _

_ He wanted to scream at you but he didn’t want to make a scene. The rest of the team didn’t know you were separated and he didn’t want them finding out like this. _

_ “Are you surprised?” You folded your arms, leaning back against the counter. “Every time I’ve tried to talk to you in the past three months you’ve been given me the cold shoulder. I tried to give you a heads up Reid but you didn’t let me.” _

_ “Can you blame me?” He spat venomously. “Is it really a surprise I've been a little hostile towards the woman who decided over breakfast one day to just leave after almost nine years together?”  _

_ “We’d been heading that way for a long time Spencer. I left yes, but did you try and fight for me? No. So you shouldn’t be shocked that after three months of radio silence from you, I decided this was the only option.” You pointed at the divorce papers in his hands. _

_ “After everything we’ve been through, this is how you want this to end? Fine.” He practically growled. “I’ll sign then when I’m ready and have them sent to your lawyer.”  _

Maybe the two of you were never fated to be happy. Not alone and not together. But after years of going around in the same circles you knew you would be better off without each other. At least you hoped you would. Things couldn’t get much worse.

Or so you thought. But then Spencer had been arrested. And that changed everything.

***

Less than twenty minutes after Emily had gotten the call that Spencer had been arrested, she, Rossi, you and new recruit Luke Alvez were on the jet flying to Matamoras. 

Things had changed a lot at the BAU as of late. Kate had left the unit before you’d returned to work after your shooting and was replaced by Doctor Tara Lewis, a brilliant mind with a background in forensic psychology. A few months later, Morgan left following the birth of his son Hank. Luke had joined the team as his replacement. 

A few months ago, around the time of your separation Hotch had been forced into the witness protection program to protect his son Jack from Mr Scratch. His wish upon leaving, that Emily return in his place as the new unit chief. 

The team had taken some devastating blows over the last few years but nothing compared to finding out one of their own had been arrested. 

Emily filled you all in on everything she knew. Spencer had been involved in a high speed chase through Matamoras when he’d been stopped by the Mexican authorities. When they’d pulled him over they had found thousands of dollars worth of heroin and cocaine in the trunk of the truck he was driving. The police report stated they believed him to be on something.

Nothing made sense. Spencer was supposed to be in Houston, something about his mothers treatment and medication you had overheard him telling Emily. Spencer rarely drove so the idea of him being involved in a high speed chase seemed ludicrous to you. And there was no way he was selling drugs and even less chance he would have taken something, not after he worked so hard to get clean all those years ago.

“Are you ok?” Luke’s voice snapped you from your thoughts. You looked up at him, your mind whirring.

“I don't know.” You replied honestly. “I really don't know what to think. This is all so unlike Spencer.”

“He never mentioned anything about Mexico?” Rossi asked you now.

“No, nothing.” You shook your head.

Garica was the only person you had confided in that your relationship was over and god bless her heart for the first time in her life she had kept a secret. You and Spencer were able to remain professional and no one had been the wiser. The two of you had excellent poker faces.

You still wore your wedding rings and as far as everyone knew you still went home together at night. Honestly, you weren't sure why you hadn't told them. They were your friends, practically family but you'd been scared to tell them the truth. 

Maybe telling them would make it too real. Maybe you worried they would blame you for the downfall of the relationship and take Spencer’s side. And maybe he thought the same as he hadn't told anyone either. 

***

The Matamoras police station where Spencer was being detained in a holding cell, was put bluntly, a dive. You’d been in nicer crack dens. 

The cops regarded you all with disdain, like they didn't appreciate you encroaching on their territory. They didn't want you here sniffing around. Spencer had been arrested on their turf and the fact that he was an FBI agent didn't mean they were willing to hand him over to federal custody.

_ “ _ SSA Reid?” the officer approached as he spoke. 

You chewed your lip, it was still so awful hearing that name now. 

“SSA Y/L/N.” you corrected him although you weren't sure why. It hadn't been your plan for your team to find out about your split this way. 

Emily, Rossi and Luke to exchange confused looks.

The officers eyebrows furrowed looking at the four of you for some kind of clarification.

“Are you doctor Reid’s wife?”

Well there was a loaded question. But legally, there was only one answer.

“Yes.” 

“Follow me.” he motioned for you to follow him and you did.

Behind you, you heard Emily, Rossi and Luke muttering amongst themselves and you knew exactly what it would be about so you pushed passed it.

The officer led you to the holding cell where Spencer was being detained. As soon as your eyes landed on your husband, your heart leapt into your throat. 

His eyes that usually held so many emotions were bloodshot and devoid of any warmth. His hair was matted and messier than usual, his face held a few days worth of stubble growth. 

When he saw you, you saw in his eyes that he didn’t recognise you at first. You wished it hurt more than it did. The officer unlocked the cell and slid open the bars, motioning you inside.

You sat down on the bench opposite him and put your hands on his knees.

“Spence,” you whispered. “It’s me, Y/N.” 

He stared at you blankly, seemingly looking through you rather than at you. 

“Spence, do you understand?” 

He nodded stiffly.

“We’re going to get you out of here, you know that right?”

Again he just nodded.

“Spence, please say something. I need to hear your voice.” 

_ “Y/N, please say something, I need to hear your voice.”  _

_ You stared at him blankly as he sat down next to you on the bed where you had been curled up for four days. _

_ “What do you expect me to say?” You croaked. “Our baby is dead Spencer. Nothing I can say will bring her back so why bother?” You spat at him before rolling over away from him.  _

_ You winced in pain a little as you did you, your arm and chest feeling as though they were on fire. Getting shot hurt like a bitch but losing Eden hurt more. Losing her hurt more than anything else in the whole world. You would take several bullets if it meant bringing her back. _

His eyes went dark as if telling you he didn’t owe you anything. It was you who had finally given up on the two of you. It was you who had moved out. It was you who had served the divorce papers. So if you needed to hear his voice, he didn’t much care.

“Spence,” a few tears rolled down your cheeks. “Please baby, I know things aren’t great with us right now but we’re still friends right? Please Spence, say something, anything at all.”

But he didn’t, not to you anyway. 

He turned his attention away from you towards the officer who was standing on the other side of the bars.

“We’re done here.” he croaked at him before turning his whole body away from you.

It hurt, my god it hurt so much. But it should have hurt more. 

With a sign you pushed yourself up from the bench and exited the cell. Your three fellow agents watched you as you slumped back towards them.

“That was fast.” Emily frowned.

“Hmm he didn’t want to talk to me.” You mumbled. “I need some air.” You barely stopped before you carried on walking past them towards the exit. 

Once outside you leant against the wall and let out a sigh that felt years in the making. Maybe you should be upset that Spencer didn’t want to talk to you, but you weren’t. You were just annoyed. 

It wasn’t long before Rossi found you, you knew if anyone came after you it would him.

“So,” he cocked his eyebrow at you. “When were you going to tell us that you and Reid split up?”

“Honestly I don’t know Dave.” You admitted.

“How long has it been?”

“About four months. I was staying with Garcia until recently when I got my own place. I served him divorce papers a few weeks ago.” 

“Damn.” Rossi pulled a face. “I thought you two would last a lifetime.”

“Me too.” You shrugged. “But I don’t think we ever got past what happened in Ohio. I don’t think we ever will. At some point I just decided it wasn’t worth fighting anymore. I feel like our whole relationship has been one obstacle after another, like the universe has been trying to keep us apart. Eventually it takes it toll Dave. Too much has happened, too much has changed between us. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Kid,” he looked at you a little sternly. “Take it from someone who has had his fair share of love and divorces. What you and Reid have is special, the kind of love that only comes around once in a lifetime. If you let it go, you’ll regret it the rest of your life.”

“Maybe.” You sighed. “But I’ve reached my limit Rossi. I don’t love him like I used to.” You shrugged. 

Rossi sighed, clearly wanting to say more on the matter but he refrained. 

No one could say you were giving up easily, without a fight, because you felt like all you’d done for years was fight. Just because two people loved each other, didn’t mean they weren’t toxic for one another. Sometimes we just reach breaking point and from there, there is no return.

_ “I can’t help you fix yourself!” Spencer raised his voice a little bit but you barely registered it. “You’ve got to want to get better Y/N. And coming off your meds isn’t the way to go about that.” _

_ “I don’t like the way they make me feel, or the way they stop me feeling. Some things you need to feel Spencer, and this is one of them.”  _

_ “It’s been eight months Y/N.” He softened, crouching down on the floor next to the bed where you were sitting.  _

_ “So?” You snapped. “I didn’t realise there was a time stamp on my grief.” _

_ You’d just gotten back from a case in Missouri where young girls had been held captive for years by a man who repeatedly raped and beat and made them refer to him as “daddy”. It had triggered something in you. It made you think of what your own child would be like at their age and you found yourself spiralling when you’d put yourself into the shoes of their parents. _

_ It wasn’t as though you didn’t think about her every day anyway but this case had brought it to the surface.  _

_ She would have turned a year old last month. Would have. If Spencer hadn’t made the decision for the two of you to split up at the warehouse and you hadn’t been shot.  _

_ “Of course there isn’t.” He placed his hand on your knee. “But you don’t seem to be getting any better. I’m worried about you.” _

_ “Well don’t be.” You grumbled. “Just leave me alone.”  _

_ “Y/N.” He sounded hurt. “Please, don’t push me away. I lost her too.” _

_ “Leave. Me. Alone.” You repeated slower.  _

_ Spencer sniffed, chewing his lip. He stood up with a sad nod. _

_ “Ok, if that’s what you want.” _

_ “I do.”  _

_ “I’ll be out there if you need me.” He pointed towards the living room. _

_ “I won’t.” You flopped back onto the bed and turned away from him. _

_ Spencer managed to stem his tears until he was back in the living room and then they escaped with vengeance.  _

_ He’d already lost his daughter, he couldn’t lose you too. _

***

You weren’t much use on the case at all but no one expected you to be. You spent the most part of the day staring at your hands, running over the last few months wondering if you should have seen the signs.

Just because you and Spencer weren’t living together anymore, didn’t mean you understood him any less. You should have known when he was lying, you should have seen the look in his eyes that always told you when he was struggling. 

And maybe you had seen those things. Maybe you’d just ignored them. It was possible you hadn’t  _ wanted  _ to see the signs. You’d told yourself it wasn’t your problem anymore, you and Spencer weren’t together anymore so it shouldn’t have to be something for you to worry about.

But you never thought it would end like, with him in a Mexican holding cell. 

“I should have known.” You spoke for the first time in what felt like hours and maybe it had been.

Your three team members' heads snapped up from the table to look at you.

“No one could have known. He didn’t want any of us to know.” Emily told you.

“I know him better than anyone. I must have seen this coming, I think I just chose to ignore it.” 

“Kid don’t beat yourself up over this.” Rossi spoke softly. “You had your own things going on.”

“I know this probably isn’t the time,” Luke added. “But I’m sorry about you and Reid.”

“Probably should have told you all before he ended up in a prison cell.” You shrugged. You couldn’t focus on your failed relationship now. 

Just then Emily’s phone rang and you were thankful as it meant the conversation was over.

“Garcia, what have you found?” Emily put the phone on speaker so everyone could hear.

“They’ve just put through Reid’s transfer request.” She sounded panicked.

You blood ran cold. Spencer  _ could not  _ be transferred into a Mexican prison. Spencer had to come back to the states. The thought of him in prison was bad enough let alone the prospect of him being so far away.

“Is there a “but” Garcia?” Luke asked.

“Is there a  _ but?  _ Is there a  _ but?”  _ She scoffed dramatically. “Yes newbie of course there is a but, there is always a but with me.” 

“Well Garcia?” Rossi hurried her along.

“Nadie Ramos split her time between Matamoros and Houston. She had  _ joint  _ citizenship.” 

“So we have jurisdiction?” You shot up from your chair. “We can expedite him?”

“That is correct my fine furry friend. See newbie, why can’t you be as astute as Y/N?” 

Luke rolled his eyes at Garcia’s dig.

“We need to go and put a stop to this transfer.” Emily jumped up, grabbing her phone.

“You’ll need to hurry, they are putting a rush on it!”

Emily hung up the phone and the four of you flew from the room at lightning speed.

It wasn’t over. You still had to get Spencer out of prison. But it was a start. He was coming back to DC. He was coming home.

***

_ “Where have you been?” You growled at Spencer from your spot on the couch as soon as the apartment door opened. _

_ “I went to see Morgan.” He ignored your tone and hung up his bag and jacket without looking at you. “And Hank.” _

_ His name sent a pang to your heart. What a cruel twist of fate it was that just after you’d lost your baby, Morgan’s partner had conceived. _

_ You don’t begrudge Morgan and Savannah their happiness, but it stung a little. You’d met Hank once right after he was born and it had been too hard on you. It was too raw. It probably always would be. _

_ “Playing happy families with someone else's family.” You commented bitterly.  _

_ “I’m not doing this Y/N.” He still didn’t look at you as he walked past you to the bedroom. “We are not having a fight right now.” _

_ You followed him to the bedroom where he started stripping off his clothes before he tossed them in the laundry basket.  _

_ “That could have been us.” You spat. “That should have been us.” _

_ Spencer turned on his heels, glaring at you now. It was hard to take him seriously now he was just in his boxers. _

_ “But it isn’t us. And that’s my fault isn’t it?”  _

_ You’d never said as much. You’d never said out loud that you blamed him. But you did, you both knew it. _

_ “You hold me responsible for what happened that day. You always will. You’ve not looked at me the same since because you blame me for her death.” _

_ “Yes.” You confessed. “Yes I do.”  _

_ And now it was out there, it could never be taken back.  _

_ Spencer stumbled backwards a little at your words. He knew how you felt but hearing it out loud was different.  _

_ “I am sorry I made the decision for us to split up, it seemed like the only option. But I am not the one that shot you Y/N. That isn’t on me.” His tears started to fall as if out of nowhere. “She was my baby too.”  _

_ You didn’t have anything to say to that, not anything that wouldn’t cause irreparable damage to your relationship anyway so you forced yourself to say nothing.  _

_ Instead you slumped into bed and rolled to the furthest edge of the mattress.  _

_ You felt the bed shift under you as Spencer slid in moments after you. It was several long silent minutes before he spoke again. _

_ “We should be grieving together, not apart. I need you so much right now but you feel as though you’re thousands of miles away.” He sniffed. _

_ You didn’t reply, you just pretended to be asleep. _

***

The jet was awash with silent tension. Spencer had been released into the custody of the BAU under the agreement they took him straight to the prison in the district upon landing. 

At some point, Emily, Rossi and Luke had all disappeared further down the aircraft leaving you and Spencer at a stalemate. 

So many words clung to the air but you didn’t know what ones to grasp at. Small talk seemed so menial in this situation and the last time you’d really spoken was when he’d received the divorce papers.

“Do you want me to visit your mom? She’s still staying with you right?” It seemed the safest topic of conversation right now.

“Yes please.” He nodded. “She needs to know what’s going on, although I’m not sure how much she’ll understand or even remember.”

“It’s ok, I’ll go and see her first thing in the morning.” You agreed. “Spence, if there’s anything else you need, I’m here.” 

He wanted to laugh, because really, were you there? It hadn’t felt like you’d been there for a long time. But he didn’t have the energy. 

“I do have one favour to ask.”

“Anything.”

He chewed his lip wondering if he should ask or not but your eyes encouraged him.

“Can you just...hold me for a while? I have no idea how long I’m going to be away for and I just need...I need to feel close to you.” A small tear escaped his eye and it broke your heart.

You got up from your seat without a word and came to sit next to Spencer. You wrapped an arm around his shoulder and he leaned into you. You used your other hand to stroke his matted hair.

He just wanted to forget everything that had happened between the two of you the last few months, even if only for a moment. He just needed a brief reprieve from the fighting and the heartbreak and just for a second pretend things were ok between you. 

You couldn’t deny him that. 

For the rest of the flight you held him this way, periodically placing soft kisses in his hair. 

You’d told him you didn’t love him the same anymore. But in that moment, you felt that giddy sensation you’d felt the first time you met. You swore in that instant, you fell in love with him all over again. 

***

_ Jason Gideon was not at all like you pictured him to be. Aaron Hotchner was exactly how you pictured him to be. You couldn’t be right all the time. _

_ It was your first day at the BAU and you were so excited you’d barely slept last night. You’d worked so hard in the academy for this exact opportunity and for them to take a chance on someone so young was almost unheard of. You were going to make every second count.  _

_ Gideon and Hotchner led you through to what they referred to as “the round table room” where they held their case briefings to introduce you to the rest of the team. _

_ Five eager sets of eyes landed on you as you entered and you found yourself shyly chewing your lip. _

_ “Everyone this is our newest recruit, Y/N Y/L/N. Y/L/N this is the team.” Hotchner began. “Derek Morgan, Elle Greenaway,” he started motioning to the faces standing around the table. “Our Media Liaison Jennifer Jareau and Technical Analyst Penelope Garcia.” Everyone waved a little as Hotchner introduced them, which you returned. _

_ “And this,” he motioned to the last man in the room.  _

_ You felt time slow down as your eyes landed on him. You don’t know how you didn’t notice him before.  _

_ “This is our resident genius, Doctor Spencer Reid.”  _

_ He gave you an awkward wave which you matched. His eyes locked on yours, they were a beautiful hazel colour ringed with gold flecks, hidden behind thick rimmed glasses. _

_ “It’s nice to meet you.” You smiled softly. “Uhm all of you.” You corrected yourself.  _

_ Spencer played with his shirt which seemed to be a size too big for him, and his tie seemed too long, as though he was wearing his fathers clothes. His hair was parted to the side and flopped onto his face. You thought he looked more like a teacher's assistant than an FBI Profiler but he was just about the most gorgeous man you’d ever laid eyes on. _

_ “I’ll let you all get acquainted.” Hotchner informed you all before he and Gideon took their leave. _

_ “It’s so nice to have another woman around!” The woman Hotchner had introduced as Penelope beamed at you, before engulfing you in a tight hug.  _

_ “Really good to meet you.” Derek agreed.  _

_ Small talk ensued, the team asking you lots of questions to get to you know. When the fuss died down you sidled closer to Spencer who hadn’t been involved in the grilling. _

_ “So, genius huh?” You smiled shyly as him.  _

_ “He was exaggerating.” Spencer shrugged. “I mean, I do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and I can read 20,000 words a minute.” He chewed his lip as you stared slack jawed. “Ok so I’m a genius.” _

_ “Yeah, I’ll say.” You laughed.  _

_ “Pretty boy,” Morgan shocked him when the older man slapped his hand down on his shoulder. “Stop flirting with new girl, we got a case.” _

_ Spencer blushed about fifty different shades of red. _

_ “I...I wasn’t...I wasn’t…” he stuttered.  _

_ Morgan laughed heartily, giving his shoulder a squeeze. _

_ “I’m yanking your chain. Jeez pretty boy lighten up.”  _

_ Spencer’s blush deepened if anything. And you thought it was the cutest thing you’d ever seen.  _

_ It’s not as though you fell in love with him right there on the spot, things like that were reserved for fairytales. But in that moment you knew that this man would be very special to you. You knew he would play a big part in your life.  _

_ You had no idea how right you were. _

_ *** _

Days turned into weeks. Everyday when you woke up you had a brief moment of peace before you remembered. The memory would hit you like a freight train every morning.  _ Spencer was in prison.  _

You hadn't been sleeping properly as it was since you'd moved out. You'd shared a bed with Spencer for so many years that sleeping alone was so alien to you. You would lie awake for hours and when you did sleep you would wake up grasping for Spencer only to be met by an empty bed. 

The team was doing all they could to prove Spencer’s innocence and free him from his own personal hell but so far they were hitting wall after wall.

Emily had tried to remove you from the case, claiming you were too close to it but you had told her she would have to fire you to get you to stop working on this case.

Other cases came in which you had to all work alongside trying to free your husband which was distracting to say the least. You wanted to spend all your time working on Spencer’s case, it was the only thing that was important to you. But serial killers didn't take time off unfortunately. 

The BAU had enlisted the assistance of Matt Simmons from the International Response Team to work on Spencer’s case. Emily had found him an amazing lawyer. They were doing everything they could but it didn't seem like enough. 

The rest of the team now knew that you and Spencer were separated and you were a little sick of the pity they kept throwing your way. 

You had put off going to visit him, because honestly you didn’t know you were strong enough to see him like that. But you knew you had to go. No matter what had happened between you he was still technically your husband and he needed you. 

It took three weeks before you made that drive to the prison. 

You took a seat behind a thick plexi-glass partition and waited. You played with your hands on the small desk in front of you, willing yourself not to throw up or worse, cry. 

Honestly, you had no idea what you would say to him. But if you knew what to say to Spencer your relationship probably wouldn't be heading for divorce. You hadn't known what to say to him for a long time, not sitting at home on the couch and certainly not in a prison.

An alarm sounded, startling you out of your thoughts and then the barred door on the far side of the room creaked open. A guard stepped in, motioning out the prisoners. You stared at the faces as they entered the room, peeling off towards their loved ones. And then you saw him. 

Your eyes found each other in an instant the way they always seemed to so naturally. It had always been as though you were trained to find the other in any crowded room. You still got breathless looking into those hazel eyes even after over a decade of looking into them. 

The weight seemed to lift slightly as he saw you, the smallest of smiles creeping to his lips. He picked up his pace across the room and you stood as he approached. 

He made a motion to grab you into a hug over the partition but before he even so much as touched you he was being yelled at by a guard. He sighed and took a seat and you did the same.

He looked, for lack of a better term  _ a fucking state.  _ His hair was wet and swept back off his face, his cheeks and chin covered in scruffy stubble. He had a black eye, a bruised cheek and a cut lip.

“What happened Spence?” You felt tears swim in your eyes.

He shrugged, chewing his lip.

“Got on someone's bad side. It doesn't matter.” His voice was broken in every sense of the word. You weren't even surprised.

“Oh Spencer,” you sniffed, a few tears escaping your eyes. “We’re doing everything we can to get you out of here.”

“I know.” He was still chewing his lip despite the cut on it. “I didn't think you'd come.”

“Yeah, I'm sorry. I was being selfish. I was scared to come here, to see you like this but I realised that didn't matter. No matter how scared I was to see you, it didn't compare to how scared you must be being in here.”

“They took my wedding ring when I was arrested.” He looked down at his empty hand. “But I guess I should get used to not wearing it.”

“Spence,” you looked down at your own ring subconsciously. “Please, let's not talk about that right now.”

“If they find me guilty at trial you'll have to wait a little while for that divorce I'm afraid.”

“Spencer.” More tears fell. You knew you couldn't be upset at him, not when the divorce had been your idea. 

“What?” He frowned. “I'm really not sure what else we’re supposed to talk about Y/N. It's hard to make small talk with the woman who’s divorcing you while sitting in prison for something I didn't do.” 

It was strange how quickly his demeanour had shifted. A few minutes ago he'd been trying to hug you and looked genuinely happy to see you and now he was being hostile.

“I knew I shouldn't have come.” You wiped your tears on your sleeve.

“Maybe you shouldn't have.” 

“I'm sorry I hurt you Spencer but you can't pretend you didn't see this coming. We’ve never exactly had a healthy relationship and you know that. We were just kidding ourselves into thinking love was enough all these years.”

“Clearly I've been kidding myself into thinking you loved me at all.”

“Spencer-”

“Just don't.” He shook his head. “If you keep talking I'm going to end up saying something you don't want to hear and I don't want to deliberately upset you.”

“Like what? Anything you have to say to me Spencer, just say.” You crossed your arms over your chest.

“Fine,” he spat. “The reason we've ended up where we are is because of you, not me. I tried, I tried so damn hard for  _ years.  _ I did everything right, with the exception of  _ one  _ slip up years ago. But you don't try. Things get tough and you shut down. You shut me out and you push me away and I have to be the one that holds us both together. It's been the same for years and I was ok with it because I love you and you loved me and it seemed worth it. But now I realise I tried my best just for you to throw in the towel. And that’s bullshit to me.” He sniffed, desperate not to cry. He pushed his chair back and stood up, now towering over you. “So please Y/N don't come and visit me again. I have much bigger things to think about right now than you and our relationship. So do us both a favour and stay away from here.”

He didn’t give you a chance to respond before he was turning away from you and heading back where he’d come from. 

You sat there for another few minutes in tears. You knew he was right and you weren’t mad at him for telling it like it is. But you’d hoped maybe you could put your difference aside for now so you could be there for him. If you could be there for him now, maybe it would resolve your guilt.

He was right, you didn’t try hard enough. He was the one that had kept you together all these years. Perhaps you’d hoped he would fight for you one last time. But you knew now, you’d taken all the fight out of him. He had nothing left. 

***

_ “I can’t keep doing this. I feel like I’ve been walking on eggshells for months.” Spencer’s words made your head snap up from your book. _

_ “What?” You frowned at him, although you knew what he was talking about.  _

_ “You moved back in, you said you wanted to work on us. But you’ve been distant and shutting me out still. I can’t live like this. If you want us to be together you have to try!” _

_ “I am trying.” You grumbled. _

_ “No Y/N you’re not. I’ve told you hundreds of times how sorry I am for Maeve. If you want us to work you need to make the effort. I can’t be the only one trying here, it’s exhausting.”  _

_ “I am trying.” You repeated, pushing yourself up from the couch. “I am trying not to spend every waking minute thinking about you and her. I am trying to believe you every time you tell me you love me and that you're not thinking of her when you say it. I am trying not to lose my damn mind whenever I hear her name.” You pushed passed him towards the front door. You frantically threw some shoes on your feet. _

_ “So how dare you tell me I’m not trying.” You grabbed a coat from the rack without looking. It wasn’t until you started getting into it that you realised it was Spencer’s but you’d committed to it now. _

_ “Y/N.” He softened, taking a few cautious steps towards you. “I thought we were passed this?” _

_ “Do you still think about her?” You glared at him.  _

_ You noticed something flicker in his eyes. He was thinking about lying to you, but he changed his mind. You would have seen through it anyway. _

_ “Yes.” He admitted.  _

_ “Then how can we be passed this? As long as she’s still on your mind, she’s still on mine.” You spun on your heels and threw the door open. _

_ You thought for a brief second Spencer might try to stop you leaving. But he didn’t. And you weren’t even that surprised. _

_ *** _

You had your head buried on one of Spencer’s case files, rereading it for what felt like the thousandth time. There must be something you’d missed. There had to be something in here, a tiny detail that could set him free.

It had been seven weeks since he’d been arrested and it felt like you were no closer to freeing him today than you had been yesterday. Or the day before. You were starting to worry you might never get him out. 

You heaved a sigh as JJ sidled up to your desk. You smiled sadly at her which she returned.

“How is he? God that’s such a dumb question.” You shook your head.

“He’s...coping the best way he can.” JJ shrugged. “Honestly I think his giant brain is the only thing keeping him sane. Having an eidetic memory means he at least has a lot of stuff in his head to occupy him.”

“He’s not equipped for prison.”

“He’s stronger than you think. He’s going to be ok.” JJ gently put her hand on your shoulder. “He wanted me to give you a message.” 

Your eyes lit up a little but you scalded yourself as you knew it probably wouldn’t be a positive one. But JJ was smiling a little.

“What did he say?” You chewed your lip.

“He says he’s sorry.” She began. “He said he doesn’t want things to be this way between you, not while he’s in there. He wants you to visit him, but he understands if you won’t.”

Your heart swelled at her words, hearing Spencer speak them in your head. You hadn’t been to see him since the first time because Spencer had made it clear he didn’t want you there. And you missed him, you missed him so much. 

“Of course I will. When would it be my turn again?”

“I’ve already spoken to Emily. She’s meant to be going tomorrow but she’s happy for you to take her slot.”

“Ok.” You nodded. “Tomorrow. I’ll see him tomorrow.” 

The brief happiness you’d felt hearing he wanted to see you was quickly replaced by a feeling of dread. You wanted to see him, more than anything, but seeing Spencer in prison was the scariest thing you’d ever dealt with. 

You just had to do this for Spencer. You had to push past your fears, because no matter how bad they were, his were worse. 

You just had to try.

***

Walking into the prison the second time was just as terrifying as the first. You tried to focus on the fact that Spencer wanted you here this time. Last time you’d been scared because you hadn’t known what to expect. This time, he’d asked you to come, but it didn’t make it any less fearful.

You sat and waited behind the partition, playing with your hands on the desk just like last time. 

Just like you remembered, the alarm sounded and the doors on the far end slid open with a creak. A few other prisoners stepped out before him, but when he did, your eyes found his in an instant like they always did.

His whole face lit up when he saw you, a large smile came to his lips, probably his first one in a long time. It made your heart soar to see that smile again. 

By the time he reached you, tears were rolling down his cheeks.

“You came.” He sniffed, smiling through his tears.

“Of course I did.” Seeing him cry forced a few of your tears to fall. 

“I missed you.” He chewed his lip. “I really, really missed you.” 

_ “I missed you.” You threw your arms around his neck the second he was close enough. “I really, really missed you.” _

_ Spencer returned your embrace and held you tight. _

_ “I missed you too. But I was only gone for four days.” He chuckled a little.  _

_ You pulled back and looked up at him.  _

_ “It felt like longer.” You gave him a shy smile.  _

_ You’d only be with the team little over six months but you and Spencer had become best friends.  _

_ When you had days off you spent them together, wandering museums and parks and frequenting coffee shops and bookstores.  _

_ Somewhere between the aisles of dusty old books and copious amounts of black coffee, you had started falling in love with him. _

_ He’d been gone four days visiting his mother in Vegas but it felt like he was gone for a lifetime.  _

_ “Well I’m back now.” He smiled softly at you. “And I’m not going anywhere.”  _

_ Those words made your heart melt. You hoped he meant it. You hoped he’d never go anywhere ever again. Not without you. _

“I missed you too.” You found yourself placing your hand on the glass partition, wishing you could touch him, feel his skin on yours. 

He mirrored your action and placed his hand over yours on the glass. 

“I’m really sorry.”

“It’s ok Spence, don’t worry about it. It’s not important right now.”

“Ok.” He agreed. “Do you know what I’ve found myself thinking about a lot recently?” 

“What’s that?” 

“The Crimes Against Children case. Maryland.”

You frowned for a moment but it only took a few seconds for you to register what he meant.

_ “We did it. He’s alive. We’ve got him.” Hotch’s voice carried down the phone back into the Maryland FBI office.  _

_ The “he” he was referring to was a young child named the Crimes Against Children Unit had dubbed “Peter” who had been abducted some years ago and was being auctioned off to pedophiles on the dark web.  _

_ You’d been so overwhelmed with emotion, to discover he’d been found, alive. It had been your first case with the team involving children and it had hit you hard. But in that moment, the emotions consumed you and couldn’t refrain from throwing your arms around Spencer’s neck.  _

_ What happened next was only brief, but it would imprint itself into his mind for the rest of his days. _

_ Your lips found his, brushing so gently against them that he barely noticed you doing it until it was over. _

_ Once you stepped back you were blushing. _

_ “Oh god, I’m sorry.” You flustered with embarrassment. _

_ “It’s...it’s ok.” He croaked.  _

“Oh.” You blushed a little. It was weird, you hadn’t blushed around Spencer in years. 

“I think that was when I knew.” 

“Knew what?” You raised an eyebrow at him. 

He was moving his thumb over the glass as though he was stroking your finger. 

“That’s when I knew you were the woman I’d been waiting for. The woman I would spend the rest of my life with.” 

“Spence,” you sniffed. 

“It’s ok. Even I’m wrong every now and again.” He dropped his hand to his lap.

“Spencer,”

“It’s ok, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to-“

“I ripped up the divorce papers.” You cut him off. “I called my lawyer and told her that those irreconcilable differences I stated, we’re starting to look as though they could be reconcilable after all.”

“I...I…” he stuttered, staring at you wide eyed. “When?”

“You remember last time I was here and you asked me to check on your mom?” You asked and he simply nodded. “I found the papers when I was at your apartment. Called my lawyer the same day.”

More tears fell from his eyes.

“You didn’t have to. Not because I’m...because I’m here.”

“That’s not why I did it.” You sniffed. “For the life of me Spence, I just don’t make sense without you. I love you Spencer Reid. I always have and I always will.”

“I love you Y/N Reid.” He smiled through his tears. “So much.” 

“We are going to get you out of here, soon I swear. And we’ll make things work.”

“Please feel free to stay in the apartment while I’m here. I know my mom and her nurse are there, but I’d like to know you were there too.”

You blushed.

“I’ve kinda been staying there for a few weeks.” You confessed. “I needed to feel close to you. To us.”

“God I wish I could hold you Y/N.” He sniffed. 

“Soon Spence, I promise.”

You both knew it wasn’t something you could promise him but he appreciated the sentiment. 

You spent the next fifteen minutes of visitation talking the way used to when you first started dating. 

You promised to visit every week and you would keep that promise. Every week for the next two months you were there come hell or high water. 

***

After almost four months for Spencer being incarcerated, the team caught a break. It turned out you’d been barking up the wrong tree all along because you never would have expected Cat Addams to be behind this. 

Of course it made sense when you thought about it. Ever since Spencer had taken her down she’d been hell bent on revenge, but it was more than that. She’d had a crush on him. You’d seen it in her eyes when you’d watched them in that restaurant from the surveillance van across the street.

You’d almost missed it. She had an amazing poker face and you were almost too wrapped up in the pity that came with hearing Spencer talk about wanting to kill his pregnant wife just months after you’d lost your baby, that you almost didn’t spot it.

But you did. 

_ “She had a crush on you.” You spoke without emotion as the two of you headed down in the elevator that night. _

_ “What?” _

_ “Cat. She had a crush on you.” _

_ “Don’t be ridiculous Y/N. She hated me. I told her I wanted my pregnant wife killed…” he trailed off when you glared at him. “Oh, that’s what this is about.” _

_ The elevator came to a stop and the second the doors opened you were out like a shot. Spencer followed hot on your heels. _

_ “Y/N, come on it was just an act. I had to tell her something that she wanted to hear.” _

_ “Yeah well, hearing that when I’ve just lost a baby, our baby doesn't feel too good.” You threw open the door of the building and exited it onto the street.  _

_ “I didn’t think.” Spencer was jogging to keep up with your pace. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think.” _

_ “No, you didn’t.” You carried on storming in the direction of the metro station.  _

_ “I’m sorry,” he called after you. “I’m really sorry!” _

_ But you just ignored him and carried on your way. _

“Spencer!” You practically screamed as he stepped out of the prison gates. 

He looked better than when you’d see him last week, able to dress once more in his usual smart suits. But he looked tired,  _ exhausted  _ even. You couldn’t imagine what it had been like for him.

As soon as he saw you his face broke out into the biggest smile. He practically sprinted towards you and engulfed you in a hug that felt years in the making.

“Y/N,’ he breathed into your hair. “Oh god I’ve missed the way you feel.” 

You wrapped your arms tightly around his waist and buried your head into his chest. He was warm and strong and smelt the way you remembered. Like home. He smelt like home.

You held each other on the dark street outside the prison with your team looking on for almost five minutes. You didn’t want to let go, not now or ever. 

In that moment you couldn’t believe you’d ever thought divorce was an option. You knew now that living without this man just wasn’t feasible. 

He was the air in your lungs. He was the blood that kept your heart pumping. He was your whole world.

“I hate to break this up.” Emily’s voice snapped you back to reality, out of your temporary revere. “But we have a black widow to talk to.”

Spencer let you go but not without placing a gentle kiss to your lips. In that kiss you tasted all your memories, good and bad. And you tasted your future. 

In that moment you were sure everything would be ok. You knew it would be a long and bumpy road to get there but you were willing to put in the effort.

You and Spencer were meant to be, and that’s all that mattered, right?

***

**Six Months Later**

A long silence stretched out in front of you, neither of you having the words left to say that would make this ok. 

Spencer had been cleared and released from prison almost half a year ago and the two of you had decided to put your divorce on hold and see a marriage counselor. It had worked for a time, but honestly, you knew your relationship was past the point of saving. 

You were toxic for one another if truth be told. You’d once thought you could save each other, that somehow all your broken pieces would fit together and make you both whole. But if anything, you’d broken each other more.

There were too many scars on your relationship that just refused to heal because they were opened time and time again. When you needed each other most you shut the other out and pushed them away rather than being vulnerable and asking for help from the one person that loved them most. 

You were sitting between Spencer’s legs, his arms wrapped around your waist as you lean your back against his chest. He nuzzled his head into the crook of your neck taking in your scent, knowing it very well could be the last time. 

You laced your fingers in his with a sigh. Despite everything that had happened, you always felt safe in his arms. But you hadn’t felt happy in them for a long time and you knew he hadn’t either. 

You still loved him, you knew you always would. He was your one great love story but even the most beautiful tales didn’t always have happy endings. 

He held you like that until the sun came up, not another word spoken between you. Because what was left to say? You’d said everything you possibly could, at this point words had become redundant.

You both knew it was time to make a decision and this time it had to be final. You had to decide which path to take, to save your marriage or to give up on each other one last time. 

Could you come back from all that happened between you? Could love be enough? Were you able to fight for Spencer when you didn’t feel as though you had any fight left in you?

Spencer gave your hand a squeeze and kissed your cheek. Neither of you needed to speak because there were so many unspoken words flying between you. All the  _ I love you’s, I’m sorry’s _ and cries for help filled the room to the point it was almost stifling. 

If you decided to stay, would things ever really get better? Could  _ you  _ be better for Spencer and could he be better for you? 

You wished you could leave the past in the past and look towards a future with Spencer. But unfortunately with the two of you, history had a horrible way of repeating itself so maybe you never really stood a chance. 

Maybe it was time to accept you couldn’t fix each other. Or maybe all it would take was for one of you to say something, tell the other they were worth fighting for and that they wouldn’t give up. 

“Say something,” you whispered, your voice croaky. “Please god say something.”

Spencer cupped your face and turned your head so your eyes could meet.

“What do you want me to say?” he asked softly.

“Is it worth it Spence? Tell me if all of this is worth it.” 

He wanted to, he wanted to tell you that more than anything else in the world but he didn’t know how. He didn’t know how to tell you those things because he didn’t know if he would believe his own words. 

You’d been through so much together,  _ too  _ much. Most relationships would have crumbled long ago, but somehow yours had come through it. Addictions, deaths of family members and friends and your unborn child, being lied to by team members, the other woman and a prison stretch. 

At some point it became too much. One thing or another pushed you both over the edge, too far gone by now to make this work any longer. 

Instead of giving you an answer, he inched closer and placed a delicate kiss on your lips. 

But that one kiss told you everything you needed to hear. That one kiss spoke louder than any words ever could. It held every word you’d ever shared, the good and the bad. The,  _ I hate you’s  _ and the  _ I miss you’s,  _ all in one. All your excited hellos and fraught goodbyes. 

He tore his lips away from yours and rested his forehead on yours. 

“Stay with me awhile.” he muttered softly. 

For the first time in years you were on the same page. And finally, the silence between you was a comfortable one. 

  
  


**_Don’t speak, I don’t need your reasons_ **

**_Don’t tell me cos it hurts._ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Don’t Speak (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The universe hands Spencer and the reader one last chance to make things right in the form of David Rossi’s forth wedding. Has enough time passed to heal their wounds and forgive and forget?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final part of the Say Something mini-series.  
> CW - nothing really, just some long overdue fluff! Vague smut mentions and vague mentions of addiction, loss of a child and Mave. Both bookend quotes from 10.9 Fate and quote in picture from 9.13 The Road Home. Part of Emily’s speech from Rossi’s wedding in 14.15 Truth or Dare used here. Song lyrics in bold italics are No Doubt’s Don’t Speak and song lyrics during the dance are Elvis Presley I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You. 

_ “ _ **_Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.” - John F Kennedy_ **

**2019**

Receiving an invitation to David Rossi’s forth wedding wasn’t what surprised you. What surprised you was the fact he was remarrying one of his ex-wives.

You’d heard tales of the infamous Krystall in your years at the BAU. Now you looked back on it, there was always that underlying tone that she was the one that got away.

_ Good for Rossi,  _ you’d thought when you’d received and promptly RSVP’d to the invite. You hadn’t thought about the implications involved in you going. You tried to push those to the back of your mind. If you dwelled on it too long you wouldn’t go. And you couldn’t miss Rossi’s wedding.

Not because of Spencer Reid.

***

You did a good job of putting wedding thoughts aside until the day itself rolled around. 

As you dressed in your lacy, red, tight fitting dress and applied a matching lipstick, the reality of what was ahead stared back at you in the mirror.

You took a deep breath to compose yourself, grabbed your clutch bag and jacket and left the apartment. 

It was a warm day in late April, the trees starting to regain their glorious colours that fall’s assault had stripped them of. You tried to focus on that and not on what was impending. You focused on seeing the team again, certain members anyway, it had been some four or five months since you’d last seen Dave and you couldn’t wait to see your surrogate father married. 

Today would be interesting that was for sure. You just hoped enough time had passed that the two of you could be civil, at least for today. For Rossi and Krystall. But you wouldn’t blame him if he couldn’t do that. 

You caught a cab to the venue, a huge country house double the size of Rossi’s own mansion. You cautiously took to the decadent front staircase and were met at the entrance by a man dressed in suit and tails.

“May I take your name?” He asked with a polite smile.

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N.”

He scanned down a relatively short list of names before he found yours and nodded approvingly.

“Welcome Miss Y/L/N. Please allow me to take your coat.”

You shrugged your jacket off and handed it to him and watched him hang it on a rack behind him. He turned back to you and handed you a small gold token.

“Just present this to me when you wish to receive your coat.”

“Thanks.” You smiled, slipping the token into your bag.

“The guests are waiting in the bar. Take the hall to the end, it’s the last door on the right.”

You nodded your thanks and started down the grand hallway. 

Your heels clicked on the marbled floor. The closer you got to the bar, the more your breathing heightened. You felt your hands clamming up and you chewed your lip as you approached the door. 

_ This is it _ , you told yourself.  _ You can do this Y/N.  _

One last deep breath and you stepped over the threshold. 

“Y/N!” Garcia spotted you from her position behind the bar and was instantly toddling over to you on too high heels.

“Penelope!” You threw your arms around the other woman as soon as she was in reach. She hugged you so tightly you felt the air leave your lungs.

“It’s been too long!” 

“It’s been two weeks Pen.” You laughed, kissing her cheek.

“That’s far too long.” She pulled back and pouted at you. “I miss seeing you everyday.”

“I know, me too.” You agreed a little sadly. 

Soon Emily was on you too, and JJ, hugging you and mirroring Garcia’s sentiments. 

It had been coming up to two years since you’d left the BAU and you missed your old team dearly still. You still see them as often as you could, anything from coffee dates and dinners to girls nights out. 

It wasn’t the same, but it was never going to be. But the job offer had come at a time when you were questioning your place within the team and taking it had seemed like your only option.

“It’s so good to see you.” JJ smiled at you.

“It’s so good to see you all too.”

Your eyes started scanning the room because you knew he was here, you could feel it. 

Just as you’d thought, it wasn’t long before your eyes landed on his. You got that breathless feeling you hadn’t had in a long time. You always got it when you looked into those eyes.

“Excuse me a moment.” You told the girls before stepping passed them. You took a few deep breaths, smoothing down the front of your dress as you headed his way. 

Two years had gone by so slowly but it still felt as though the last time you’d seen him could have only been yesterday. You slowly made your approach, you had no idea what to expect. 

**_You and me, we used to be together_ **

**_Every day together, always_ **

_ “Were you going to tell me? Or we’re just hoping to slip out without me realising?” _

_ You froze at his voice, your hand was gripping a photo frame that was halfway to the box on the desk. You set the picture of you and your dad back down and turned to face him. _

_ “Of course I was going to tell you.”  _

_ “When? Once you’d already gone?” _

_ “I don’t know.” You told him honestly. _

_ “Counterintelligence huh?” He sighed a little as he spoke. _

_ “Yeah, they head hunted me, I wasn’t looking to leave.” _

_ “You don’t have to explain. Least of all to me.”  _

_ “It’s too weird working here now Spencer. After everything-“ _

_ “After our divorce you mean.” He cut you off.  _

_ “Yeah.” You shrugged. “I’m sorry.”  _

_ “I’m sure you are Y/N. I’m sure you are.” He shook his head as he walked away from you. _

“Hi Reid.” You smiled softly at him as you approached, having no idea how he was going to react to your presence.

The day he’d found out you were leaving the BAU was the last time you’d seen him. Your divorce had been finalised less than eight months after Spencer left prison. 

“Hey Y/N.” He smiled back at you and it seemed genuine. “You look good.”

“Thanks.” You blushed, why did he always have the effect on you? “So do you Doctor.” 

“If it isn’t Y/N Y/L/N, do my old eyes deceive me?” 

“Dave!” You spun to face the older man and were quickly pulled into his arms. “Congratulations.” 

“Thank you Y/N.” He kissed both your cheeks. “You look good kid.”

“So do you. The silver fox look suits you.” You teased him. 

“Ok everyone it’s time to start!” Garcia’s voice carried across the room. 

“That’s my queue.” Rossi grinned. “It’s so good to see you kid.”

“And you Dave.” You watched him, momentarily forgetting Spencer was behind you. 

You turned back him with a half-smile. 

“Catch up later?” You asked and he nodded before he walked away. 

Being friends with the man you divorced was never going to be an easy feat. Especially when you were still in love with him. 

  
  


**_I really feel that I'm losin' my best friend_ **

**_I can't believe this could be the end._ **

**_***_ **

“I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride.”

The small group of you cheered as Rossi kissed Krystall. You wiped at a tear in your eye, taken back to your own wedding day. Even though you and Spencer had married with next to no planning in a chapel in Vegas, it had been the happiest day of your life. 

You briefly averted your gaze from the happy couple and looked over him.

He was already looking back at you. You knew he was thinking the same thing you were. 

You gave him a small smile before you turned away. Now was not the time to be pining after your ex husband. 

Everyone soon took their seats. You were on a table with Penelope, Luke and Emily. Probably for the best you thought. Knowing Rossi had he probably thought he was doing you a favour keeping you and Spencer separate, which he was you supposed. But you yearned to be closer to him. 

Soon it was time for the speeches and a waiter handed out glasses of champagne. You watched Spencer across the room politely decline the alcohol in lieu for a glass of water. It made you smile.

“Break a leg Em!” Garcia patted Emily’s shoulder as the older woman got up from the table and made her way to the front of the room.

“When Dave got engaged, he pulled out all the stops…”

Emily’s words became faint in your ears as your eyes found the side of Spencer’s face. He was smiling at Emily’s words, laughing when appropriate. 

How did you get here? You married five years ago and had been divorced after only three years of marriage. You’d been in love with him for almost fifteen years and you missed him every single day for the last two years. 

Did he miss you? Did he even still think about you? 

_ “It’s official.” You croaked, not quite believing the day had actually come. _

_ “Yep.” Spencer croaked down the phone. “Our marriage is over.” _

_ You’d gotten the call from your lawyer that afternoon that the divorce had gone through. You were officially no longer married. No more Mrs and Doctor Reid.  _

_ “We tried.” _

_ “Yeah.” He sighed heavily. “This isn’t the way I ever imagined things going. I thought once we got married, it’d be forever.” _

_ “Me too Spence.” You sniffed, desperate not to cry. “I should go, I just wanted to call and let you know.” _

_ “Ok.” He sniffed too. “See you at work tomorrow Y/N.” _

_ “See you tomorrow…Reid.” _

**_It looks as though you're letting go_ **

**_And if it's real, well, I don't want to know._ **

“Dave and Krystall are twin flames, two souls that are always meant to be together.” 

You tuned back in to Emily’s speech. 

“Sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes a parallel universe or something, but the thing about twin flames is that nothing can keep them apart. They are a magic unto themselves.”

Spencer looked over at you but you didn’t notice as your attention was back on Emily. 

He wondered if there was a parallel universe that existed where the two of you made it work. Maybe there was an alternate plane of existence where the two of you had come to Rossi’s wedding together, where you were sat listening to Emily’s speech while he had his arm around your shoulders and got to hold your hand.

Maybe another universe existed where he wasn’t abducted by Tobias Hankel and got addicted to dilaudid. One where Emily hadn’t had to fake her own death, Maeve hadn’t existed and your baby had survived. 

“And together, they light the way for all of us. To Dave and Krystall.” 

Everyone raised their glasses in a toast. Your eyes glanced at Spencer and once again he was already looking right at you. 

_ Twin flames. Sometimes it takes time. But the thing about twin flames is that nothing can keep them apart. _

Those words swirled around your brain as you locked eyes across the room. Could it be possible you and Spencer were twin flames? 

You shook the thought off and broke eye contact. You’d had your time. You’d tried and it didn’t work out. You wondered how long it would take you to finally forget him and move on. 

The cake was cut and the bouquet was thrown, something you sat out for. Rossi and Krystall shared their first dance while Johnny Mathis crooned. 

Slowly people started joining them on the dance floor. JJ and Will, Matt and Kristy. Luke danced with Garcia and Tara and Emily joined them. 

You were taking it all in, sipping your champagne when you felt a gentle tap on your shoulder. 

You turned to see Spencer stood behind you, looking slightly uncomfortable. In that moment he reminded you of the awkward, glasses and ill fitting clothes wearing twenty four year old he’d been when you first met.

Only now he was the much broader, much more chiseled and better dressed thirty eight year old man holding his hand out for you.

“Care to dance?” He asked somewhat shyly.

You smiled, placing your drink on the table and taking his hand. 

As he led you to the dance floor, the music changed to a much slower one all of a sudden. You blushed a little, chewing your lip as you moved closer to him.

He cautiously placed one hand on your waist and kept the other in yours. You pressed your body into his and wrapped your arm around his neck. It felt so natural.

**_“_ ** _ Wise men say  _

_ Only fools rush in.  _

_ But I can’t help falling in love with you.  _

_ Shall I stay? _

_ Would it be a sin _

_ If I can’t help falling in love with you?” _

The lyrics washed over you as you swayed with Spencer. It felt like you were the only two people in the world.

“I was really worried about coming today.” You whispered.

“Why?” 

“I didn’t know how things would be between us. We didn’t exactly leave things on good terms.”

“I know and I’m sorry about that.” He held you closer. 

_ “Like a river flows _

_ Surely to the sea _

_ Darling, so it goes _

_ Some things are meant to be.” _

He felt something stirring inside him at the words, he tried to ignore it. 

“So how’s counterintelligence?” He asked, trying to take his mind off the lyrics that seemed to be just for the two of you.

“It’s great actually, I love it.” You spoke but he sensed that wasn’t it.

“But?”

“You always did know me so well.” You chuckled looking up into his eyes. “Let’s just say it’s not the BAU.”

He nodded his understanding.

“ _ Take my hand _

_ Take my whole life too. _

_ For I can’t help falling in love with you.” _

“You can feel that right?” Spencer asked suddenly.

For a brief moment you thought he was talking about the feelings that were flowing between you but you shook that off before you could say something stupid, realising what he was talking about.

“You mean the dozen eyes on us? Yes I feel that.” You looked over Spencer’s shoulder and sure enough all your old team were staring at you. 

“Do you want...do you want to maybe go somewhere more private and catch up? I hear they have a really nice uhm...nice garden.” Spencer asked tentatively as though he wasn’t sure he should be asking.

You smiled and nodded in agreement. He let you go, leaving you feeling cold and empty from the lack of touch. You ignored it and started following him. You glanced over your shoulder as you went to see Garcia and JJ making kissy faces in your direction. 

You flipped them the bird before you carried on walking, following Spencer outside.

“So, are you still teaching at Georgetown?” You asked as you followed him down the steps towards the lush garden. 

“Yeah I am. It’s great actually. People seem really receptive to what I have to say.” He smiled happily.

“Confession time.” You started ambling down a path lined with perfectly trimmed hedges. “I went to one of your lectures once.” You blushed a little.

“What?” He laughed. “No way. What one?”

“ _ Psychological theories of crime: biological and personality explanations of crime _ . I was curious so I snuck in the back.” You were blushing deeply now.

“Wow, what did you think?”

“You were amazing. You talk with such passion you had me...I mean you had  _ everyone  _ hanging off your every word.”

“Thanks.” He blushed now too. “You should have come and said hi afterwards. It would have been good to see you.”

You shook your head looking at the floor as you walked. 

“It wasn’t long after I left and I didn’t think you’d want to see me.” 

“I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” 

“It’s not you who should be apologising.” You looked back at him. “I’m the one who’s sorry.”

He stopped walking and frowned at you.

“What are you sorry for?”

“For not trying hard enough. For not fighting for us. For giving up.”

“Hey,” he stepped closer and cupped your cheek in his hand. You sighed in content at the feeling. God you loved the way his skin felt on yours. “It was a long time ago, it’s water under the bridge.” 

“You can seriously forgive me for ending our marriage?” 

He stepped even closer now, his thumb caressing circles on your cheek. You felt your breath catch in your throat.

“Already forgiven. And besides, I’m not without blame.” He stood staring deep into your eyes for several long minutes. You had no idea what he was thinking but you wanted it to be about kissing you. “Y/N? Do you think there’s a parallel universe where...you know…”

“We were happy?”

“Yeah.” He chewed his lip.

“I don’t know Spence.” You sighed. “But honestly, this universe version of me is pretty happy right now.”

He smiled at you, a smile that lit up his eyes.

“This universe version of me is pretty happy too.” He agreed. “There is….one thing that could make me...even happier.” He stuttered as he spoke, nervously.

“What’s that Spencer?” You croaked. God you hoped it was what you were thinking too. 

“Would it be...would it be too much if I…no never mind.” He stepped back, his hand dropping from your cheek to his side.

“No, tell me.”  _ Please god. _

“Honestly, it was dumb. I was just getting caught up in the romance of the wedding and I-“

You put your finger to his lips, shushing him softly. 

“Spencer Reid, will you just kiss me already?” 

You didn’t have to ask him twice. In an instant, his hands found your face and his lips found yours in a deep and passionate kiss. 

**_Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin'_ **

**_So please stop explaining_ **

**_Don't tell me 'cause it hurts_ **

**_Don't speak, I know what you're thinking_ **

**_I don't need your reasons_ **

**_Don't tell me 'cause it hurts._ **

The kiss was just about the most amazing the two of you had ever shared. When he pulled back you were both panting.

“I can’t stay away from you.” He confessed, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“Then don’t.” You giggled. “Look I know this is probably a terrible idea...but I think I heard there are some hotel rooms upstairs…” you trailed off, letting his mind fill in the blanks.

“Yes.” He nodded frantically. “Yes, let’s go.” And with that he took hold of your hand and led you back through the garden. 

He paid for a room and as you were heading upstairs you saw Garcia stood in the hall smirking in your direction. You chose to ignore it and followed Spencer to your room.

***

**_Our memories, well, they can be inviting_ **

**_But some are altogether mighty frightening._ **

You and Spencer made love twice. The first time was fast, frantic almost. Two people who hadn’t experienced each other’s bodies for two years and desperately needed closeness to one another.

The second time was slower, careful and gentle like your first time together all over again. Spencer kept eye contact with you the whole time, placing gentle kisses on your lips and stroking back your hair. 

Afterwards you laid in his arms, your head on his chest in post coital bliss. It felt as though the last two years had never happened and you were still together. Like nothing had changed. Like everything was right with the world.

“I’ve missed you so much Y/N.” He whispered into your hair. 

“I missed you too Spence.” 

He guided your head up with his finger under your chin so you were looking at him. He was frowning slightly. 

“What’s wrong?” He looked concerned.

It was only then you realised you were crying. 

“I don’t know.” You sniffed. “I’m a little overwhelmed, I suppose. It feels like no time has passed, it feels like the last two years never happened. And I wish they didn’t. I wish we didn’t waste so much time apart.” 

He wiped at your tears with his thumb and kissed you softly. 

“We were destroying each other Y/N.” He chewed his lip. “We would have ended up hating each other if we stayed together.” 

“I know.” You sniffed. “So where does that leave us now?”

Was this just a goodbye? Was this closure? Were you going to go your separate ways now?

“I don’t know.” He licked his bottom lip in contemplation. “I would really like to see you again though. Maybe get coffee?”

Your eyes lit up and you nodded.

“I’d really like that.” 

“Good.” He kissed you again softly. 

At that moment you didn’t think you’d ever been happier in your life. 

You settled back onto his chest and he wrapped you tightly in his arms. 

For the first time in two years things felt like they were looking up. It felt like you were right where you were supposed to be. Back in the arms of the only man you’d ever loved. Was there a chance things could work between you this time? Had the universe brought you back together for a reason? Or were you just setting yourself up for heartbreak all over again?

**_As we die, both you and I_ **

**_With my head in my hands, I sit and cry?_ **

***

The next morning you awoke still wrapped in Spencer’s loving embrace. You smiled to yourself, sighing in contentment.

This was exactly where you were always meant to be.

“Morning beautiful.”

You jumped a little at his words, not realising he was already awake. You maneuvered so you could look up at him and as soon as you did he stole a chaste kiss from your lips.

“Good morning doctor.” 

“I’ve missed this sight. You, first thing in the morning. It’s magical.” He stroked your cheek. 

You found yourself blushing at his words. 

“Not so bad waking up next to you either.” You nudged him a little in the ribs. 

He kissed you again and rolled on top of you. You were both still naked from last night and you could feel he was already hard.

You made slow, sleepy love to one another. Afterwards you showered together, caressing each other’s bodies under the warm flow of water. 

You dressed in silence and an awkward air fell over you as it was time to leave.

“I’m lecturing for the next few weeks so my hours are much more normal.” He told you as you left the room together and headed down the staircase. “I only have one class on Fridays, in the mornings. If you aren’t working maybe we could meet on campus for coffee?”

You stopped in the lobby and looked up at him.

“I’m sure I can make something work. For you Doctor.” You gave him a shy smile. 

He bowed his head and placed a gentle kiss on the corner of your mouth.

“I’m looking forward to it already.”

You smiled and turned to walk away. You could feel him watching you go.

You turned to look at him over your shoulder.

“Goodbye Doctor Reid.” You called back to him.

“Goodbye Y/N.” 

**_Don't speak, I know just what you're sayin'_ **

**_So please stop explaining_ **

**_Don't tell me 'cause it hurts, no, no, no_ **

**_Don't speak, I know what you're thinking_ **

**_And I don't need your reasons_ **

**_Don't tell me 'cause it hurts._ **

***

You’d been needed on a case that Friday but the next Friday you were free and arranged to meet Spencer for coffee at Georgetown.

You changed your outfit  _ four _ times. You wanted to look like you tried but not like you’d tried too hard. You tried to tell yourself it was just coffee. Coffee with your ex husband. Coffee with your ex husband you had slept with and who you were very much still in love with.

It was late spring so you settled on a cute polka dot dress and pumps, pairing it with a leather jacket. 

You spent the whole metro ride to campus nervously playing with your hair and adjusting your make-up in your pocket mirror.

Why were you so nervous? You felt like a teenager going on a first date. 

When you arrived at the campus, Spencer was already stood by the coffee cart, two takeaway cups in his hands. 

He smiled brightly at you as you approached.

“Hi,” he handed you the coffee. “I hope your coffee order hasn’t changed.”

“I’m committed to my coffee choices.” You smiled in thanks as you took the cup. 

“You look...as beautiful as always.” Spencer blushed not sure he should be saying such things.

“Oh stop.” You tried to be coy but the blush that was also spreading on your cheeks gave you away. 

You started strolling the grounds of the campus, along the winding path that led through the grassy area littered with students, studying and conversing.

_ Oh to be eighteen again,  _ you briefly thought.

Spencer’s hand brushed against yours a few times. At first you thought it accidental but after the fifth time you knew he was doing it deliberately. And then he took the plunge and encased your hand in his much larger one, entwining your fingers.

“Is this ok?” He glanced at you and you laughed.

“Spence, we slept together three times at Rossi’s wedding. I’d be a little offended if you didn’t hold my hand.” 

“Ok.” He laughed. “Sorry, this is all so strange. I don’t know the first thing about dating an ex. Not to say this is a date. It doesn’t have to be a date, I don’t mean to be presumptuous it’s just-“

“Spencer,” you cut him off laughing. “I think it’s safe to say it’s a date.”

“Ok, good.” He smiled at you before sipping his coffee. Your words seemed to have calmed him.

“Maybe you should ask Rossi for some tips. He seems to have the whole dating an ex wife thing down.” 

“Maybe I will.” Spencer chuckled. 

“So how was class doctor?”

“It was good. I was distracted the whole time though.”

“Why?” You looked up at him with a small frown.

“Why?” He smirked at you. “Because I had a beautiful woman meeting me for coffee afterwards. It made it a little hard to concentrate.”

“Oh, I see.” You smiled shyly.

“You know after you cancelled last week, I didn’t think I’d see you again.” He chewed his lip. 

“What? Why?” You squeezed his hand. 

“I’m a perpetual pessimist with a lifetime of disappointment under my belt.” He laughed before he continued. “I already found the woman of my dreams once and I lost you. I never thought I’d get that lucky again.”

You tugged his hand a little, pulling him to a stop so you could look at him properly. 

“We were dealt a lot of hard blows in our relationship Spence. The fact that we made it ten years was a miracle in itself.” You ran your thumb over his knuckles. “But every once in a while, the universe deals us an ace, a second chance. Maybe enough time has passed now that you and I can be better for each other this time. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot since our divorce. And I know now exactly what I want in life.”

“What’s that?” He asked, barely above a whisper. 

You laughed and gave his hand another squeeze. 

“You, Spencer Reid. I want you.”

With that he let go of your hand and cupped your cheek. Your lips met in an explosion of longing in the middle of the Georgetown campus. 

**_It's all ending_ **

**_We gotta stop pretending_ **

**_Who we are_ **

**_You and me_ **

**_I can see us dying_ **

**_Aren't we?_ **

***

_ “It’s your turn.” Spencer rolled over, putting his pillow over his head.  _

_ “It’s always my turn.” You grumbled.  _

_ “Not true.”  _

_ You sighed, knowing between you and sleep, sleep would always trump for Spencer. _

_ You sat up and slung your legs out of the bed. You wrapped your robe around your body before you left the room. _

_ At the other end of the hall you opened the door a few inches. Sure enough there was a small light emanating from under the duvet.  _

_ “Andie Diana Reid, it is almost midnight, what on earth are you still doing awake?”  _

_ The duvet flew back revealing a messy haired, bespectacled five year old.  _

_ “I wanted to finish this chapter!” She whined, producing the book and flashlight. _

_ “Sweetheart,” you walked into the room and sat on the bed. There will be plenty of time for that. Just not in the middle of the night.”  _

_ “Tell me a story mommy.” She beamed at you, that smile that was identical to her fathers. “Pleassssse!”  _

_ “A quick one.” You mussed her hair with a sigh. “What story do you want to hear?” _

_ She chewed her lip the way both you and Spencer always did.  _

_ “I want to hear the story of you and daddy!” She bounced up and down a little on the bed. _

_ “That my dear,” you laughed. “Is not a short story.” _

_ “Pleasssssee!” She whined, giving you those puppy dog eyes you know she learnt from Spencer.  _

_ You sighed. You never got your own way in this house.  _

_ “You can hear the beginning. Tomorrow you can hear the rest.” _

_ “Ok!” She grinned, laying down on the pillows. _

_ You stood up, moving the book and flashlight off the bed. You slid her glasses off her face and placed them on the nightstand.  _

_ “Once upon a time, there was a princess named mommy,” self indulgent you know, but she’s five so it seemed fitting. “And all princess mommy wanted in the whole world was to meet her prince.” _

_ “Daddy!” She squealed. “Daddy’s the Prince!”  _

_ You leant over and tucked the covers around your boisterous daughter.  _

_ “Yes, yes is he. But the Prince and the princess had a lot of…monsters to fight on their journey. And I will tell you all about that, after you’ve slept.” _

_ You bowed your head and kissed Andie’s forehead.  _

_ “But I’m not tired.” She whined, stifling a yawn. _

_ “Goodnight angel.” You chuckled, leaving the room.  _

_ Spencer stood in the hallway, a playful smile on his lips. _

_ “I’m a Prince huh?” He cocked an eyebrow at you. _

_ “Don’t let it go to your head doctor.”  _

_ You fell about laughing as you headed back to your bedroom. You knew you would never get tired of laughing with him. You knew now, this was where you were always supposed to end up. _

_ The bumps in the road had made you stronger, as had your time apart. If you hadn’t been through everything you had, you wouldn’t have ended up here.  _

_ The universe was a funny thing, but you should have known it had a bigger plan for you and Spencer. You should have trusted the process and realised fate was always on your side. _

_ You slid into bed and Spencer went to speak again but you placed your finger to his lips. _

_ “Don’t speak Spence, we’ve said everything there is to say.”  _

  
  


**_“When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn. And where we end up is really in fact where we always intended to be.” - Julia Glass_ **


End file.
